OP, could you consider a larger age gap between the kids if you decide to have a second? Eg do you feel less anxiety about the possibly if your daughter were at least 8 years older? That would mean any potential son would not even go thorough puberty before your daughter is out of the house for college.

OP, I am a survivor of something similar. It is a life sentence for us, and I am sorry.

I am going to be super blunt. Your therapy is not working. You need to try other forms of therapy.

In my experience, having children has brought out so much pain and trauma from my childhood. You HAVE to deal with it.

In your shoes I would not risk having a son. I'm so, so sorry for putting it so bluntly. I can't imagine how much it hurts to hear. But, having a daughter and working through your own trauma is enough.

You've been through a lot. You are a warrior. Sending you hugs.

One and done, OP.

My mom is a sexual abuse survivor. She did not get any help or try to get help. It impacted my entire childhood.

Anonymous wrote:You should not have any children.
Please don't have any more.
Get yourself to therapy and start saving for your daughter's therapy because you are going to inflict major damage.

This.

Anonymous wrote:You chose the sex of the first one, I don’t know why you didn’t choose to have two girls. Sisters are great. Can you choose a girl?

My roommate at college said that her brother used to come into her room at night and touch her everywhere. Her parents are immigrants and when she told her mother she didn’t do anything. It only came out when she was drunk and she wasn’t always coherent but it bothered her a lot .

OP only had one female embryo. The others are male. That’s not on her since women don’t have the ability to determine the sex.

One and done for you and find a new therapist.

One important (huge) difference is that you know what to look for and you wouldn’t ignore it if something did happen. But most brothers never abuse their sisters to begin with. It’s very unlikely to be an issue.

Please don’t have a boy child if you cannot imagine raising a loving child who doesn’t abuse others.

If you are so fearful of having a boy child near your daughter, don’t. I think more therapy before having child #1 would have made sense, as I cannot imagine walking around carrying the worry that you do for your daughter.

But please, do not bring another child into this world thinking they are primed to cause harm. It isn’t fair to that child.

Hope this is some rage bait/grade A trolling.

You chose the sex of the first one, I don’t know why you didn’t choose to have two girls. Sisters are great. Can you choose a girl?

My roommate at college said that her brother used to come into her room at night and touch her everywhere. Her parents are immigrants and when she told her mother she didn’t do anything. It only came out when she was drunk and she wasn’t always coherent but it bothered her a lot .

You should not have any children.
Please don't have any more.
Get yourself to therapy and start saving for your daughter's therapy because you are going to inflict major damage.

I haven’t read the article, but - and I know this is not remotely the same - I read a book about the jonbenet Ramsey case about 8 years ago and I’m convinced the older brother was abusing jonbenet prior to her murder.

I have two older brothers and fortunately nothing like that ever happened. my brother three years older than me is one of my best friends - but as kids, we fought a lot and he was bigger and stronger than I was and it was intimidating.

My son is three years older than my daughter. They are young kids. He is mildly on the spectrum, but is also the kindest, sweetest soul. But I am still careful about the kids, especially because sometimes my son struggles with understanding social nuances. I don’t allow them to sleep in each others rooms, they don’t take baths together etc. and I try to supervise them very closely. Sometimes I think I am nuts (and maybe I am) but I will never shake what I read in that book about jonbenet Ramsey regarding what likely transpired between her and her brother and what was likely going on leading up to those events.

The reason this kind of thing “runs in families” isn’t that it is genetic. It is that dysfunctional families produce dysfunctional children who grow up to start dysfunctional families and so on. My grandfather molested all of his daughters but one (big family). Many of his daughters went on to marry men who were similarly inappropriate with women or girls. I was not molested and neither was my father (sons being exempt for this particular perpetration), but I have still had to work hard to break cycles that I can recognize as grooming behavior (e.g., as a kid my dad would regularly tickle us or play rough even if we said to stop). This type of boundary-pushing was normalized in my dad’s family or origin bc of the abuse and even though he never sexually abused me, he did perpetuate some of that grooming behavior which makes sibling relationships more likely to cross inappropriate boundaries.

It makes sense that you feel afraid, because these situations are real and unfortunately do happen — especially given your experience of being abused so horribly and the added trauma of your parents finding out and not protecting you. That kind of betrayal leaves a lasting imprint, so of course you’re thinking about every possible “what if” now that you’re a parent.

At the same time, not all boys or men grow up to be abusers. A younger son would generally be less likely to abuse or get away with something like that, especially with an involved, aware parent. An older daughter, particularly as she becomes a teenager, would hopefully be mature enough to understand boundaries, say no, stand up for herself, and tell you immediately if anything inappropriate ever happened — and you’ve already shown you’re the kind of parent who would listen and act.

When I was 17, I had brothers who were 14 and 16, and sisters who were 10 and 5. I was very mindful of dynamics like that, and worried about abuse. I talked to my sisters about privacy, consent, inappropriate touching, and the importance of speaking up. I kept a close eye on them around my brothers and often took on babysitting responsibilities. Open conversations and supervision can make a real difference.

As for your concern about having a son, that’s such a tough and deeply personal decision. I don’t think there’s one right answer. Maybe spacing the children so your daughter is five or six years older could provide some added reassurance. And it’s also completely valid if you ultimately decide that one child feels safest and healthiest for you.

I’m truly sorry for what you went through. The fact that you’re in therapy, reflecting this deeply, and determined to protect your daughter already shows how different you are from the environment you grew up in. Your feelings are real and valid, and whatever you choose is absolutely okay. I wish you the best.

Sibling on sibling abuse happens with all combinations of genders and age gaps, so just stick with one child and you won't be plagued by this anxiety.

Trigger warning - childhood abuse

I'm a survivor or childhood sexual abuse by my older brother. This went on from the age of 4-11 It's a long story but my parents found out and basically didn't do anything. They continued to favor him and while I have gone no contact with all of them they still have a relationship with him.

I read the recent CUT article on sibling abuse and both families described a family history of it happening continuous with various generations.

I have a daughter through IVF. And I did choose the embryo because I knew I didn't want the same sibling dynamic- older boy/younger girl. I don't think I'd feel the same with just a boy or two boys but my daughter is here and we are talking about a potential second child. That child would be a boy with our remaining embryos and I just can't shake the feeling of what if. what if this cycle of abuse continues. What if it's genetic. What if despite him being younger he goes on to abuse my daughter. I know how unfair it is to put that on a child who isn't here and has no sign of being an abuser and I know how unfair that would be to treat him like that. I also fear the whole we create the monsters by treating them like monsters. What if I inadvertently treat him differently and he can feel that and resents his sister and me for it.

I just want to know has anyone else been in this boat and is raising a boy? How did it feel to watch them go through puberty and navigate big conversations around consent and sex. Especially if you also have a daughter.

Has anyone else read the cut article? Thoughts on the cycle of it happening again and again I'm certain families despite parents trying and being aware of the dangers?

I am in therapy. A lot. Twice a week, psychiatrist and group therapy also! I'm just genuinely curious if anyone else has walked this path and how they may have navigated. I also know the answer for us might just be to have one child only.


https://www.removepaywall.com/search?url=https://www.thecut.com/article/sibling-abuse-parents-families-when-your-son-abuses-your-daughter.html?&utm_source=ig&utm_medium=social_paid&utm_campaign=hardpaywall_test&utm_content=6864573928207&utm_id=6864573928407&utm_term=6864573928207&fbclid=PAaWdyZAPQd1VleHRuA2FlbQEwAGFkaWQAAAZSyN4PL3NydGMGYXBwX2lkDzU2NzA2NzM0MzM1MjQyNwABpwTQhNykoQP7xah9_Vg714BwUReBTYke8W22Lz6ueZ2arSEJ3W1VohhuVFCd_aem_uaKyyBp_n96fes9RaO3aKg