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[quote=Anonymous]I'm 18 months out from my ex leaving me for his affair partner. I was already taking an SSRI for anxiety and I'm sure that helped me have a baseline. The affair partner's ex found that he had to go the medication route too. He tried so hard with talk therapy, support groups, physical activity, etc., but he just could not get out of the bell jar.

You have a high energy job and young kids. If you want to get in bed and rest on your days without the kids, there is nothing wrong with that! You're cocooning. You're just a butterfly that's inside its crysalis right now. This is an opportunity to have time to yourself. That's not something I ever thought I wanted or needed but I am really glad to have it now.

Just, a lot of it is how you frame it, and while we don't have complete control over our emotions, we can choose to reframe things. If you want to have lots of pajama time and catch up on your sleep, then do that, without pressure on yourself. The pity you hear in your friend's voices . . . it's concern. It's wanting to help, but not knowing how. And there's a reason that divorced women seek each other out . . . it's a sisterhood of people who can understand. Let those women in your life.

My divorce buddy (the ex's AP's ex) and I talk a lot about the power of spite. We're the kind of people who have spent our whole lives studying compassion and trying to be better people. And that's worthwhile, of course. But spite is angry little warrior inside of us that says, f%ck you, I'm not going to let you betray me and reject me and disrupt all of our lives and just take it lying down! One time I wanted to stay inside in my pajamas, but my ex said with a lot of pity, "I just hate to think about you sitting all alone in your house" (he was offering me more time with the kids that day, since he was busy) and you know I f%cking got myself invited to a garden party and took a picture of myself looking really hot. I used that anger to fuel me.

The scuzzy cheater leaving their faithful spouse is a tale as old as time, isn't it? It happens over and over and over again, because (some) people are selfish and weak. It hurts, and it's a trauma, but it's also a card that a lot of people get dealt. So find a group of people to support you, and go kick life's arse.

And look, if me getting all mad about your dumb cheater isn't helping, and you just want to cocoon a bit more, that's OK too! But please know that you WILL be happy again. You did NOT cause this. And your ex and his AP are not living "happily ever after," because they're stuck with each other. You're free. My very first mantra, when I was still weeping every day and unable to eat, was "Thank you for letting me go." Words are powerful. Pick some.

"Thank you for letting me go."
"I am complete and loved, just as I am."
"I could never be safe with an unsafe person. I'm safe now."
"What a gift to get to steer the next stage of my life."
"I can't wait to see who I grow up to be." 
"I open my heart to love, even if it looks different than I thought."

I've just started EMDR for the sticky stuff, and it's really helping me.

And I found a lot of solace in poetry.

How the Worst Day of my Life Became the Best by Andrea Gibson
Greensickness by Laurel Chen
Instead of Depression by Andrea Gibson[/quote]

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