I'm 18 months out from my ex leaving me for his affair partner. I was already taking an SSRI for anxiety and I'm sure that helped me have a baseline. The affair partner's ex found that he had to go the medication route too. He tried so hard with talk therapy, support groups, physical activity, etc., but he just could not get out of the bell jar.

You have a high energy job and young kids. If you want to get in bed and rest on your days without the kids, there is nothing wrong with that! You're cocooning. You're just a butterfly that's inside its crysalis right now. This is an opportunity to have time to yourself. That's not something I ever thought I wanted or needed but I am really glad to have it now.

Just, a lot of it is how you frame it, and while we don't have complete control over our emotions, we can choose to reframe things. If you want to have lots of pajama time and catch up on your sleep, then do that, without pressure on yourself. The pity you hear in your friend's voices . . . it's concern. It's wanting to help, but not knowing how. And there's a reason that divorced women seek each other out . . . it's a sisterhood of people who can understand. Let those women in your life.

My divorce buddy (the ex's AP's ex) and I talk a lot about the power of spite. We're the kind of people who have spent our whole lives studying compassion and trying to be better people. And that's worthwhile, of course. But spite is angry little warrior inside of us that says, f%ck you, I'm not going to let you betray me and reject me and disrupt all of our lives and just take it lying down! One time I wanted to stay inside in my pajamas, but my ex said with a lot of pity, "I just hate to think about you sitting all alone in your house" (he was offering me more time with the kids that day, since he was busy) and you know I f%cking got myself invited to a garden party and took a picture of myself looking really hot. I used that anger to fuel me.

The scuzzy cheater leaving their faithful spouse is a tale as old as time, isn't it? It happens over and over and over again, because (some) people are selfish and weak. It hurts, and it's a trauma, but it's also a card that a lot of people get dealt. So find a group of people to support you, and go kick life's arse.

And look, if me getting all mad about your dumb cheater isn't helping, and you just want to cocoon a bit more, that's OK too! But please know that you WILL be happy again. You did NOT cause this. And your ex and his AP are not living "happily ever after," because they're stuck with each other. You're free. My very first mantra, when I was still weeping every day and unable to eat, was "Thank you for letting me go." Words are powerful. Pick some.

"Thank you for letting me go."
"I am complete and loved, just as I am."
"I could never be safe with an unsafe person. I'm safe now."
"What a gift to get to steer the next stage of my life."
"I can't wait to see who I grow up to be."
"I open my heart to love, even if it looks different than I thought."

I've just started EMDR for the sticky stuff, and it's really helping me.

And I found a lot of solace in poetry.

How the Worst Day of my Life Became the Best by Andrea Gibson
Greensickness by Laurel Chen
Instead of Depression by Andrea Gibson

My marriage ended similarly. I really struggle on the weekends when my kids aren’t here. I’m so sorry, OP. It has been the hardest time of my life. Things are slowly getting better for me, but heavy emphasis on slowly. I don’t really expect to ever fully get over it, but I’m rebuilding my life on my terms. You can do it, too.

I joined a small gym and it helped me meet new people. And I must say my arms have never looked better.

I also have a small dog who adores me. He is always happy and he loves to cuddle. Divorce is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. You will one day feel better. I hope you find peace.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have depression. I have had it too. Sitting at home alone is not helpful. You HAVE to develop things you look forward to on the weeks your kids are gone. And you have to force yourself because you will never, and I mean never, feel like doing it spontaneously. Do you work? How do you stay in bed when they're not there?

Do a fun class. Go on casual dates. Hang out with friends. Go to church. Do something that is scheduled and you can't mope in your house, you have to get up and get dressed and get to it. Get out of your own head and fake it until you've made it.

Yes, I work. I don't stay in bed all day, but the weekends are definitely the hardest. I am a teacher so I wake up early, go to work, come home and almost immediately crawl into bed for the rest of the day.

Therapist who just replied. Sounds kinda normal to me. The end of a marriage especially the ways yours ended would lead to me doing this for a while. Glad you’re in therapy. I suggest going out to walk daily for 20 mins even if the thought of it feels horrible. It will help.

Anonymous wrote:You know what they say is the best way to get over someone....

your case is no different

Dumbest suggestion ever. I’m 100 percent sure you are
a man, right?

Anonymous wrote:My husband, now ex, decided to cheat and then move out. It's been about a year and on the days that my children aren't with me, I struggle to get out of bed and do basic self-care tasks. When my kids are around, it's totally different and I am able to to magically pull it together, but we alternate weeks so every other week is a nightmare. The challenge is being away from my kids and then when they come back, hearing them talk about my husband's affair partner as a wonderful new mom to them. They are young, which is a blessing for them and their resiliency but so hard for me to be away from them. I do have friends who try to reach out, but I can't stand seeing their happy husbands or feeling the pity in their tone. I have a therapist and it helps, a little, but at night the thoughts creep in that this is it for me, I will never be happy, again, I will limp through the rest of life. I vacillate between extreme anger and hatred for my ex and periods of intense self hate where I think about everything I have ever done wrong that pushed him away and ruined my life. Clearly I need help. I know I'm not the only one in this situation. How did you deal?

It’s called grief not necessarily depression. The belief that your family would last but your ex blew it up, the loss of what was (before cheating), what you hoped it would be and it’s not etc, and why it never will be again; not seeing your children daily etc. So sorry. When I was divorcing I set the arrangement so that I would see the kids each day if only briefly. I would take to school every day regardless of where they spent the night. Sorry. It’s hard. I would suggest finding a good therapist if you don’t have one already. Signed clinical therapist.

First, nothing about this is weak or dramatic. You’re grieving a marriage, your daily life with your kids, and the version of your future you thought you had. Of course the kid-free weeks knock the wind out of you. That makes so much sense.

The anger and the self-blame swinging back and forth are totally normal. Your brain is trying to make sense of something that feels senseless. Him cheating wasn’t a referendum on your worth. It was a decision he made. Full stop.

On the weeks (especially weekends) without your kids, lower the bar to the floor. Shower. Walk around the block. Text one friend. Eat something that isn’t coffee. Structure helps, even stupid small structure. An exercise class, a standing dinner, volunteering, a haircut. You need anchors on those weeks. Try to make that structure ahead of time, maybe even schedule your plans for upcoming weeks and weekends on the weeks when your kids are with you. I know if I was in climb in bed mode I just wouldn’t get it done.

And when your kids gush about her, it’s okay to feel like you’ve been punched. But their ability to attach doesn’t erase you. You are their mother. That will never change.

If the “this is it for me” thoughts start getting louder or darker, please tell your therapist exactly that. If you ever feel unsafe or like you might hurt yourself, call or text 988. It’s there for moments like this. You are not meant to white-knuckle this alone.

This may not feel survivable right now. But you’re already surviving it. And one day the alternating weeks won’t feel like a cliff edge … they’ll just feel like time.

Good luck to you. This is the hard stuff no one prepares you for.