Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

we all have heard that she never wants to have a kid.

From my understanding, it is more her husband's wish of having a child and she removed her uterus in early 20s because she never wants to be a mother for whatever reasons.

but I have a gut feeling that she may not want to act like a real mom.

Her husband seems to be more excited than her.

I think I would never understand what a common mother - adopted daughter relationship feel like.

All of these statements stood out to me. Your office does an awful lot of gossip. You don't even know these things are true. You heard. You have a feeling. Her husband seems.

As a mother of foster and adopted kids, all adopted at older ages, here is what I can tell you. The adoption process is long, hard and uncertain. I would never have talked about it to anyone but my best friends and clearly you aren't her best friend since all you know about her is your assumptions and what you heard through the grapevine. Your surprise is probably what most people felt each time I showed up with another kid and that's fine since it's ok to decide to keep your adoption journey private.

I can also tell you that it is no picnic adopting an older child. It's not like they move into your house and fit in and behave like a perfect 9 year old. The issues that can arise are much harder than babies that cry and keep you up all night. Even if you don't experience things like rages and food insecurity and things like that, it's still a lot of work to develop a relationship and form your family. Mere presence doesn't turn you into a family - it's trust, respect and love, all of which take time to build and sometimes never happen. And, it's so different than with babies and little kids where you build the trust by cuddling and taking care of their basic needs. Older kids take care of their own needs and you have to work to figure out how to bond and develop the trust that turns you into a family.

As for what you should do, probably nothing since you will admittedly will never understand that her relationship with her adopted daughter is a parent-child relationship with it's own unique features, emotions and characteristics - exactly like every other parent-child relationship, including those that have blood in common.

Anonymous wrote:Our company culture likes to talk about their own children at break time among women. We ard small company. One late 20s married coworker just adopted a 9 year old girl. Our team were shocked because we all have heard that she never wants to have a kid. From my understanding, it is more her husband's wish of having a child and she removed her uterus in early 20s because she never wants to be a mother for whatever reasons. We congratulates her but I get the feeling from her that it seems she is feeling a bit awkward and weird to be called mom. She tells us that her husband is more the primary caregiver.

I am a mother of 3 ES kids. I have 1 son and 2 daughters. 2 other women in our team have MS/HS/college kids. I am trying to understand if I should treat her as a mom to talk about kids at office for chit chat from now on. Our office is small, so everyone can hear each other. I do not want her to feel excluded but I have a gut feeling that she may not want to act like a real mom. Her husband seems to be more excited than her. She, her DH and the girl all are different races. I think I would never understand what a common mother - adopted daughter relationship feel like.

All of these statements stood out to me. Your office does an awful lot of gossip. You don't even know these things are true. You heard. You have a feeling. Her husband seems.

As a mother of foster and adopted kids, all adopted at older ages, here is what I can tell you. The adoption process is long, hard and uncertain. I would never have talked about it to anyone but my best friends and clearly you aren't her best friend since all you know about her is your assumptions and what you heard through the grapevine. Your surprise is probably what most people felt each time I showed up with another kid and that's fine since it's ok to decide to keep your adoption journey private.

I can also tell you that it is no picnic adopting an older child. It's not like they move into your house and fit in and behave like a perfect 9 year old. The issues that can arise are much harder than babies that cry and keep you up all night. Even if you don't experience things like rages and food insecurity and things like that, it's still a lot of work to develop a relationship and form your family. Mere presence doesn't turn you into a family - it's trust, respect and love, all of which take time to build and sometimes never happen. And, it's so different than with babies and little kids where you build the trust by cuddling and taking care of their basic needs. Older kids take care of their own needs and you have to work to figure out how to bond and develop the trust that turns you into a family.

As for what you should do, probably nothing since you will admittedly will never understand that her relationship with her adopted daughter is a parent-child relationship with it's own unique features, emotions and characteristics - exactly like every other parent-child relationship, including those that have blood in common.

Anonymous wrote:

we all have heard that she never wants to have a kid.

From my understanding, it is more her husband's wish of having a child and she removed her uterus in early 20s because she never wants to be a mother for whatever reasons.

but I have a gut feeling that she may not want to act like a real mom.

Her husband seems to be more excited than her.

I think I would never understand what a common mother - adopted daughter relationship feel like.