Reply to Oprah podcast on estranged families

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[quote=Anonymous]  Thoughts?

I personally thought it was decent, but missed the mark in a few areas. I thought those who shared their stories on both sides were brave. I thought Lindsay Gibson was as empathetic, insightful and incredible as her books and Nedra Tawwab (another favorite author) offered some valuable insights as well. I wasn't a fan of Joshua Coleman, but I also didn't like his book either. I think he had some useful things to say, but lacked enough reflection. I agree that a lot of parents who have challenging relationships with their adult kids had challenging parents themselves, but I think he missed the mark claiming everything is abuse these days. A lot of times, there is multi-generational abuse that gets written off because it wouldn't be worthy of a CPS report back then. They also left out the Golden child scapegoat dynamic. My own mother, the Golden child, talks about how tough her mom was, but because mom was such a good girl she was treated well. She describes behavior toward her siblings that was clearly emotional and verbal abuse with some incidents of physical abuse, but she cannot see it that way because she escaped it just by being 
"the good girl." She would say her own behavior is/was not abuse, because if I had been a good girl like my sister I would not have experienced it even though my sister often showed far worse behavior.

My heart went out to the young adults sharing their stories and I will be honest that I related more to them. One mother in particular seemed so defensive and cluessless and she did the classic "my boys think I am a great mother" and trying to portray her daughter terribly. I may post about abusive things my mother does on DCUM, but to anyone who knows her I simply refrain from discussing her. I don't want to tarnish her reputation or make anyone take sides I simply don't have the energy for any more abuse.

Along those lines, I think Gibson nailed it when she said young people are facing so much stress these days though no longer have the energy for the emotional work of trying to work around challenging behaviors and the days are gone where the role usurps the relationships. Just because you are mother doesn't mean you must be honored regardless of how you treat your kids.

I do think Oprah should have mentioned her own history with estrangement for full disclosure, so people understood she was bringing her own stuff there too, but overall it was fine.[/quote]

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