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[quote=Anonymous]Would you recommend telling your child that they were adopted when they are young? Older? Does it depend on the age when they do get adopted?

Younger. Like an earlier pp mentioned the earlier that you lay it all on the table then the earlier a kid has time to process the truth rather than being shocked later on which would feel like a betrayal.

Do you hate the idea of “gotcha” days or celebrations honoring the day you were adopted?

I don’t really love the idea myself. It would seem forced and just amplify my “otherness” in a way that feels unnatural. Adopted kids still like to celebrate their birthday and they don’t really associate it with a family that they never met so it seems like an awkward way to “solve” a problem that doesn’t really exist in the first place.

How do you feel about integrating the culture of the family you were adopted into? (I.E. You are for all intensive purposes Italian if the family is Italian - they then verbally express this to others and you do as well)

I think it would be totally normal to have a shared cultural identity. Genetics don’t make you a cultural Italian, language and customs do. Later on when the kid is a teenager you may want to give them space to explore other identities or re assess their personal understanding of their identity. But you should definitely give them the opportunity to bond with their other family members in this way until they decide otherwise. Adopted kids are often desperate for an identity and cultural experiences can help that.

Names - How do you feel about name change or incorporating the birth name?

This one is complicated. I didn’t find out that my name was changed until I was an adult. It feels a bit like I was viewed as a piece of property that the adults in my life would try to own. Like my old name had to be erased in order to protect me? But I wish that I had known. On the other hand I am not sure how I would have felt if I had a different name than my other family members. That may not be great either. I would be very open from a young age so that the child can process the truth more than finding out later. I would keep their first name and maybe middle but the last name could be changed to match. I would be very cautious about changing the first name because it could feel like living a lie when the child gets older. This one is complicated and could play out in unexpected ways. Just allow the child to navigate based on their own feelings and makes sure not to use pressure or comments to malign their old name or strongly promote their new name. The kid gets to decide how they feel about it without the pressure of the adults.

What other details did your family overlook or miss that you wish you had experienced?

They tried to hide my bio father from me for my own “protection” but that ended up causing far more trauma than being open. My parents also always had a lot of negative things to say about my bio family and that has driven a wedge between us in an unnecessary way. I basically just endure their comments but inside I am sick of hearing them trash my bio family. They think that they can just ignore that part of my life because it was “bad” but it’s not so simple for me. I still feel a connection to my bio parents and am resentful of anyone who tries to damage or ignore that reality. So just keep things neutral and let the kid process the situation when they get older but don’t try to influence their perception because we can sense that from a mile away and it builds distrust.

Other tips for adoptive parents?

Remember that this is all normal to the child so don’t blow it out of proportion. The kid only knows this reality so it’s not necessarily as burdensome as some people imagine. With that said however there are clear differences between my experience and other “normal” people so don’t try to ignore that either. Just be neutral and allow space for the child to explore their own identity without strong influence by the adults. This is a personal journey for the adoptee and they need to go through their own process. 
Also, a key piece of advice: Don’t EVER even hint at the idea that they are genetically predisposed to being delinquent or different from the rest of the family. I have seen adoptive parents blame their teenage child’s life struggles on their genetics and that cuts deep n the most painful of ways. Don’t go there even if you think it to yourself.

I also think that people who adopt out of kindness are some truly amazing people and I have boundless respect for someone who can do that.

Wish you the best!

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