Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive parent of a 13yo here. We had a lot of sessions with Tony Hynes. You can Google him. He’s an adult black man adopted by 2 white women.
He advised our group if they had bio siblings or if we had any other bio info to tell the child as soon as possible.
If it’s part of the conversation from toddlerhood it’s not a huge shock. We told DD when she was 6 about bio siblings because that’s when we had the discussion with Tony.
She knew she grew in someone else’s tummy from when she was about 2. There are so many books out there to help you.

She developed in another woman's womb not her stomach! There is a huge difference as well as being impossible for a fetus to develop in a stomach.

Where did she use the word stomach? You are literally yelling at her for some something she didn’t say.

Is it possible that you don’t know that tummy (or belly) is a synonym or euphemism for
abdomen, the larger section of the body where the womb (or uterus) is located and thus a correct way to refer to a fetus’s position?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive parent of a 13yo here. We had a lot of sessions with Tony Hynes. You can Google him. He’s an adult black man adopted by 2 white women.
He advised our group if they had bio siblings or if we had any other bio info to tell the child as soon as possible.
If it’s part of the conversation from toddlerhood it’s not a huge shock. We told DD when she was 6 about bio siblings because that’s when we had the discussion with Tony.
She knew she grew in someone else’s tummy from when she was about 2. There are so many books out there to help you.

She developed in another woman's womb not her stomach! There is a huge difference as well as being impossible for a fetus to develop in a stomach.

She was 2. Tummy was fine.
Good grief.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive parent of a 13yo here. We had a lot of sessions with Tony Hynes. You can Google him. He’s an adult black man adopted by 2 white women.
He advised our group if they had bio siblings or if we had any other bio info to tell the child as soon as possible.
If it’s part of the conversation from toddlerhood it’s not a huge shock. We told DD when she was 6 about bio siblings because that’s when we had the discussion with Tony.
She knew she grew in someone else’s tummy from when she was about 2. There are so many books out there to help you.

She developed in another woman's womb not her stomach! There is a huge difference as well as being impossible for a fetus to develop in a stomach.

You must be fun at parties.
WE all knew what she meant. And it was an appropriate anatomical comment for a two year old.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive parent of a 13yo here. We had a lot of sessions with Tony Hynes. You can Google him. He’s an adult black man adopted by 2 white women.
He advised our group if they had bio siblings or if we had any other bio info to tell the child as soon as possible.
If it’s part of the conversation from toddlerhood it’s not a huge shock. We told DD when she was 6 about bio siblings because that’s when we had the discussion with Tony.
She knew she grew in someone else’s tummy from when she was about 2. There are so many books out there to help you.

She developed in another woman's womb not her stomach! There is a huge difference as well as being impossible for a fetus to develop in a stomach.

Tummy mommy
Tommy tenant

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive parent of a 13yo here. We had a lot of sessions with Tony Hynes. You can Google him. He’s an adult black man adopted by 2 white women.
He advised our group if they had bio siblings or if we had any other bio info to tell the child as soon as possible.
If it’s part of the conversation from toddlerhood it’s not a huge shock. We told DD when she was 6 about bio siblings because that’s when we had the discussion with Tony.
She knew she grew in someone else’s tummy from when she was about 2. There are so many books out there to help you.

She developed in another woman's womb not her stomach! There is a huge difference as well as being impossible for a fetus to develop in a stomach.

Would you recommend telling your child that they were adopted when they are young? Older? Does it depend on the age when they do get adopted?

Younger. Like an earlier pp mentioned the earlier that you lay it all on the table then the earlier a kid has time to process the truth rather than being shocked later on which would feel like a betrayal.


Do you hate the idea of “gotcha” days or celebrations honoring the day you were adopted?

I don’t really love the idea myself. It would seem forced and just amplify my “otherness” in a way that feels unnatural. Adopted kids still like to celebrate their birthday and they don’t really associate it with a family that they never met so it seems like an awkward way to “solve” a problem that doesn’t really exist in the first place.


How do you feel about integrating the culture of the family you were adopted into? (I.E. You are for all intensive purposes Italian if the family is Italian - they then verbally express this to others and you do as well)

I think it would be totally normal to have a shared cultural identity. Genetics don’t make you a cultural Italian, language and customs do. Later on when the kid is a teenager you may want to give them space to explore other identities or re assess their personal understanding of their identity. But you should definitely give them the opportunity to bond with their other family members in this way until they decide otherwise. Adopted kids are often desperate for an identity and cultural experiences can help that.


Names - How do you feel about name change or incorporating the birth name?

This one is complicated. I didn’t find out that my name was changed until I was an adult. It feels a bit like I was viewed as a piece of property that the adults in my life would try to own. Like my old name had to be erased in order to protect me? But I wish that I had known. On the other hand I am not sure how I would have felt if I had a different name than my other family members. That may not be great either. I would be very open from a young age so that the child can process the truth more than finding out later. I would keep their first name and maybe middle but the last name could be changed to match. I would be very cautious about changing the first name because it could feel like living a lie when the child gets older. This one is complicated and could play out in unexpected ways. Just allow the child to navigate based on their own feelings and makes sure not to use pressure or comments to malign their old name or strongly promote their new name. The kid gets to decide how they feel about it without the pressure of the adults.


What other details did your family overlook or miss that you wish you had experienced?

They tried to hide my bio father from me for my own “protection” but that ended up causing far more trauma than being open. My parents also always had a lot of negative things to say about my bio family and that has driven a wedge between us in an unnecessary way. I basically just endure their comments but inside I am sick of hearing them trash my bio family. They think that they can just ignore that part of my life because it was “bad” but it’s not so simple for me. I still feel a connection to my bio parents and am resentful of anyone who tries to damage or ignore that reality. So just keep things neutral and let the kid process the situation when they get older but don’t try to influence their perception because we can sense that from a mile away and it builds distrust.


Other tips for adoptive parents?

Remember that this is all normal to the child so don’t blow it out of proportion. The kid only knows this reality so it’s not necessarily as burdensome as some people imagine. With that said however there are clear differences between my experience and other “normal” people so don’t try to ignore that either. Just be neutral and allow space for the child to explore their own identity without strong influence by the adults. This is a personal journey for the adoptee and they need to go through their own process.
Also, a key piece of advice: Don’t EVER even hint at the idea that they are genetically predisposed to being delinquent or different from the rest of the family. I have seen adoptive parents blame their teenage child’s life struggles on their genetics and that cuts deep n the most painful of ways. Don’t go there even if you think it to yourself.

I also think that people who adopt out of kindness are some truly amazing people and I have boundless respect for someone who can do that.

Wish you the best!

Have you thought through the implications of genetic testing? This is a reasonably new development.

It means, in practice, that your kid will nearly always be able to determine their bio parents except in rare circumstances (assuming US birth).

I have been listening to a podcast called Adoption: The Making of Me and recommend you listen to it. They recommend a lot of books & resources & also discuss many of the topics you raised.

Anonymous wrote:My father was adopted and loved his adopted family dearly. I plan to adopt and have begun researching the initial steps and processes.

In doing so, I’ve come across a lot of different opinions from people who were adopted which are different than those my father had (positive - he’s since passed say so I can’t ask him some of these). He was also adopted as a teen. The other children in the home were all adopted as well into this family (some as babies, others older children or teens) and raised alongside the biological daughter as siblings.

How do you feel about:

Would you recommend telling your child that they were adopted when they are young? Older? Does it depend on the age when they do get adopted?

You tell them young so it’s their normal. No it does not matter the age.

Do you hate the idea of “gotcha” days or celebrations honoring the day you were adopted?

We don’t celebrate it. Just birthdays.

How do you feel about integrating the culture of the family you were adopted into? (I.E. You are for all intensive purposes Italian if the family is Italian - they then verbally express this to others and you do as well)

We keep in touch with an open adoption so yes.

Names - How do you feel about name change or incorporating the birth name?

[b]We agreed on the first and middle name and changed the last name. Choice is yours.

What other details did your family overlook or miss that you wish you had experienced?

None

Other tips for adoptive parents?

Relax

Anonymous wrote:It’s “all intents and purposes,” not all intensive purposes.

OMG I was gonna write this. Pet peeve.

I’m an adoptive parent of three young adults. None came as newborns. The oldest at arrival was 7. Here’s what I can offer in answer to your questions.

How do you feel about:

Would you recommend telling your child that they were adopted when they are young? Older? Does it depend on the age when they do get adopted?

I think it’s best to always be open and honest. That means that they should always know. I mean, unless you move to a new area where you know no one and never have contact with people who knew you didn’t have a baby, you can never keep adoption a secret. It would be awful to learn that you were adopted from someone besides your family.


Do you hate the idea of “gotcha” days or celebrations honoring the day you were adopted?

We don’t celebrate. We did once and my son looked at us and said why would I ever want to celebrate that I was abandoned. We never did again. But lots of people think it’s a special day to celebrate.

How do you feel about integrating the culture of the family you were adopted into? (I.E. You are for all intensive purposes Italian if the family is Italian - they then verbally express this to others and you do as well)

We don’t really have a family culture. But my immediate family (spouse and kids and me) are really close and enjoy our lives together. We have developed our own set of traditions and habits.

Thing is though, we are not all the same race and it is really important to my kids that we all remember that.

Names - How do you feel about name change or incorporating the birth name?

Other than last names, we did not change names. I think that may not have been that important to them. But it didn’t feel right to me.

What other details did your family overlook or miss that you wish you had experienced?

My kids are pretty open and I can’t think of anything. There are issues, like FASD with resulting permanent disabilities, and that is hard for the two that have this. Really hard sometimes. And there are attachment issues - my kids were like Velcro far longer than you would expect. They have been recently talking about that a lot - in a very good way in that they are really appreciative of our patience and gentleness with that.

Good luck in your journey.

Adoptive parent of a 13yo here. We had a lot of sessions with Tony Hynes. You can Google him. He’s an adult black man adopted by 2 white women.
He advised our group if they had bio siblings or if we had any other bio info to tell the child as soon as possible.
If it’s part of the conversation from toddlerhood it’s not a huge shock. We told DD when she was 6 about bio siblings because that’s when we had the discussion with Tony.
She knew she grew in someone else’s tummy from when she was about 2. There are so many books out there to help you.

I'm adopted with a very positive experience. Absolutely recommend it being something that is always known. It seems hiding it would cause a lot of problems.

Personally, I'm not a fan of "gotcha" days. The point is that adopted kids are just your kids. It feels weird to me to celebrate them differently.

I don't have much of an opinion on this. I think there's been research out there on it though.

I don't like changing kids names if they are old enough to know their name. I was 3 months old so changing my name was no big deal. And my middle name was derived from my foster moms name and I have always loved that.

My parents never hid my story from me. They answered any questions they could.

It’s “all intents and purposes,” not all intensive purposes.

My father was adopted and loved his adopted family dearly. I plan to adopt and have begun researching the initial steps and processes.

In doing so, I’ve come across a lot of different opinions from people who were adopted which are different than those my father had (positive - he’s since passed say so I can’t ask him some of these). He was also adopted as a teen. The other children in the home were all adopted as well into this family (some as babies, others older children or teens) and raised alongside the biological daughter as siblings.

How do you feel about:

Would you recommend telling your child that they were adopted when they are young? Older? Does it depend on the age when they do get adopted?

Do you hate the idea of “gotcha” days or celebrations honoring the day you were adopted?

How do you feel about integrating the culture of the family you were adopted into? (I.E. You are for all intensive purposes Italian if the family is Italian - they then verbally express this to others and you do as well)

Names - How do you feel about name change or incorporating the birth name?

What other details did your family overlook or miss that you wish you had experienced?

Other tips for adoptive parents?