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[quote=Anonymous]This framing, of rights and responsibilities, is not good. Like "what are the rights and responsibilities of being a friend?" Rights and responsibilities are for power imbalances - the government. Small children. Classrooms.

I do think you have a responsibility to pay for at least some of college if you are able and they want to go, and are accepted.

Beyond that: Your child is an adult, you're building toward an adult relationship.

So, treat your child kindly. If they bring up something that they feel hurt by from their childhood, listen. Respond empathetically. Apologize if you think you made a mistake. If they ask for something you're unwilling or unable to give, let them know politely. Treat them as an adult. Don't dictate, converse. Respect their preferences and priorities the same way you would a friend.

Ask for what you'd like. Recognize that they're adults and do not have to listen to you. Set boundaries as needed. It's fine to say "if you're living at home, you need to contribute" in whatever way that is (picking up after yourself in common spaces, chores, rent, buying groceries, whatever) but recognize that you can't enact consequences, as they are adults. You can say they're not welcome to stay with you without contributing.

If what you're asking for is control (call me when you get there, come home by X time, keep your room neat, don't major in that, you need a better job) then you need to realize you had your chance to parent, it has past, your kid is going to do what they're going to do, and you're at high risk of souring (potentially permanently) your relationship. [/quote]

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