Anonymous wrote:I don't think there are any. You have rights and responsibilities as an adult, but you don't owe anyone else rights or responsibilities.

Even if parents did their best. Even if parents did not. Just because someone birthed you doesn't mean you owe them money, time or anything. Parents who count on that or who birth children to be their caretakers in old age are irresponsible imo. There are no guarantees in life.

Agree with this. Asians will not agree with us.

Anonymous wrote:parents are still together and did their level best (physically, emotionally and financially) towards children if not perfect.

This is doing A Lot of work here.

How would the adult children describe their parenting?

Adult kids and parents both have a right to fall of the planet Earth and not communicate with anyone they don't want to. I think once somebody starts going on about the rights and responsibilities between parents and their adult children... they're at the point where an adult child doesn't want anything to do with them for one reason or another. I'd say you did something unpleasant and didn't take responsibility when it was time. You assumed you're allowed certain behaviors that are not normal between adults, but because they're your child, you thought you'd get away with it. Maybe you tried to control, maybe you were pushy, maybe you criticized, maybe you were unpleasant to their spouse, maybe you were entitled towards your grandchildren. You wanted something that you normally would not demand from another adult. Your adult child didn't like that and now avoid you, because you overstepped your boundaries.

Rights and Responsibilities? Odd. Op, what is your problem? Most families love each other

I don't think there are any. You have rights and responsibilities as an adult, but you don't owe anyone else rights or responsibilities.

Even if parents did their best. Even if parents did not. Just because someone birthed you doesn't mean you owe them money, time or anything. Parents who count on that or who birth children to be their caretakers in old age are irresponsible imo. There are no guarantees in life.

This framing, of rights and responsibilities, is not good. Like "what are the rights and responsibilities of being a friend?" Rights and responsibilities are for power imbalances - the government. Small children. Classrooms.

I do think you have a responsibility to pay for at least some of college if you are able and they want to go, and are accepted.

Beyond that: Your child is an adult, you're building toward an adult relationship.

So, treat your child kindly. If they bring up something that they feel hurt by from their childhood, listen. Respond empathetically. Apologize if you think you made a mistake. If they ask for something you're unwilling or unable to give, let them know politely. Treat them as an adult. Don't dictate, converse. Respect their preferences and priorities the same way you would a friend.

Ask for what you'd like. Recognize that they're adults and do not have to listen to you. Set boundaries as needed. It's fine to say "if you're living at home, you need to contribute" in whatever way that is (picking up after yourself in common spaces, chores, rent, buying groceries, whatever) but recognize that you can't enact consequences, as they are adults. You can say they're not welcome to stay with you without contributing.

If what you're asking for is control (call me when you get there, come home by X time, keep your room neat, don't major in that, you need a better job) then you need to realize you had your chance to parent, it has past, your kid is going to do what they're going to do, and you're at high risk of souring (potentially permanently) your relationship.

parents are still together and did their level best (physically, emotionally and financially) towards children if not perfect.