Reply to I need to get off the emotional rollercoaster with my husband’s BPD mom

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[quote=Anonymous]I’ve spent 15 years watching my husband get caught in the same abusive cycle with his mother, who has untreated BPD. After a particularly rough year in my own life, I’ve reached my breaking point. I just can’t do it anymore.

The cycle is always the same:
She creates some sort of drama and cuts him off. Then, after a while, she returns with fancy dinners, expensive gifts, and promises. Things are okay for a bit, and then she discards him again. This year alone, they’ve gone no-contact three separate times. And every time they’re not speaking, it is so peaceful.

I think he keeps going back because, deep down, he still wants the loving, safe mother he never had as a child. I understand that. I really do. But I can’t sit by and be part of this anymore. I can’t keep watching him get hurt. I can’t keep watching him light up with hope when she pulls him back in, only to see that hope crushed again and again.

This past week was especially tough for me personally, and it coincided with her pulling him back in again after weeks of not speaking. I finally blew up and told him what I see happening, the cycle I described above. He seemed shocked to hear it laid out that way, and maybe some of it landed? But I’m under no illusions; he’ll keep doing this dance with her.
What I need to figure out now is how to get off this train. I can’t stop him from having a relationship with her, but I don’t want to be involved anymore. I can’t keep showing up, smiling, and pretending like I don’t know how this will end.

So how do I step back? Do I stand my ground and say I don’t want to see her for a while? Has anyone else been in this position and if so, how did you protect your own peace without destroying your marriage in the process?[/quote]

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