Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised you only now told him what you’ve been observing for 15 years. And he seemed surprised. Do you not discuss things on a deeper, personal level, in general?

This is where I am. I don’t understand at all how he seems surprised by you telling him this. If you have just sweetly been his buffer with his mom for 15 years, you need to stop doing this. You don’t have to spend extensive time with this woman — nor do you need to spend hours or days picking up the pieces with him when he gets his heart broken (if this is happening). I’m not saying you need to be a jerk with no empathy, but there comes a point when you have to say “this is your relationship to manage both physically and emotionally. I’m not doing this.”

That said, what a holiday looks like depends on how far away this person is and whether you have kids. If you have to physically travel, then I would just say that I wasn’t willing to host her this year and that if he wants to go there (and perhaps take the kids), then you guys could have your big meal on Sunday when they return. If she lives close by, you could tell him that he should just run over there for a different meal time. Other local alternatives would include deciding to meet at a restaurant if you think you could tolerate two hours but not an all day thing at your house. There are lots of ways to do this.

And you are generally right that once you are no longer acting as a buffer, he may very well spend less time interacting with her. This could be very good for both of you.

I’m surprised you only now told him what you’ve been observing for 15 years. And he seemed surprised. Do you not discuss things on a deeper, personal level, in general?

My mother is the toxic one and growing up with someone like that makes you think and act crazy even though it is not you, it is the parent who is lousy at taking care of their mental health and lousy at parenting.

As frustrating as it is, OP, only he can realize when his mother has crossed the red line and that will be when he emotionally disengages. And she may need to do something absolutely nightmarishly terrible for him to reach that point.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you encourage your husband to get into therapy?

Oh, he’s in therapy, and his therapist had told him he doesn’t need to have a relationship with her, if he wants to cut ties. I don’t think he’s ready to do that, but I am.

He has to be ready to on his own. You can limit your time with her but you pressuring him before he's ready is only going less to him resenting you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you already know, OP. Yes, you set boundaries for how you will/won't spend your time. Telling your husband how to spend his isn't your place, and is highly likely to backfire, but you don't have to be part of it.

"Every time your mother hoovers you back in, it hurts my heart because I know how likely it is that she's just going to discard you, again, in a few month's time. I understand you want to spend time with you mom, but I don't. You deserves consistent, respectful love and it's hard for me to be around people who aren't willing/able to show you that love. I'll be at _______. Call me when you're back home."

And then you walk. Be there for him, be willing to listen if/when he wants to debrief, but you don't have to be there to witness this anymore. You've seen enough to see the pattern, and have communicated it to him. What he does with that is his business.

I'm sorry. This dynamic is rough. He's lucky to have someone who can help him get some perspective on her mess.

This is actually really helpful. Thanks for posting this. I know it’s what I have to do, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Im copying your script into my Notes app. Thanks again!

Glad it was helpful (minus the typos, but... yeah ). BTDT with my ex and his family, who tried to blame me, of course. The key is not to tell him he can't see his family. That way, when they try to triangulate you into it, and make you responsible for any argument or separation that might happen, you're clear. My ex still doesn't speak to his family and we've been split for 5+ years now; clearly it wasn't me. He finally came to see his family for who and how they are, and I spoke my piece and then stayed out of it.

Knowing it's right doesn't make it easier to do, but it'll make it easy for you to sleep at night. Best of luck with it!

Thanks! I have a feeling that without me holding his hand, he’s not going to want to make as much effort as he did in the past. I think he liked the idea of a “normal” family gathering, and will feel my absence. I definitely don’t want to prevent him from visiting by himself; more power to him!

I’m curious, with the holidays approaching, what did your first year of holidays look like? We typically host, so I don’t know what that will look like. Again, I don’t care if he goes alone, but I’m worried he will be annoyed or resentful that things don’t look/feel “normal”, even though it has NEVER been normal!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you already know, OP. Yes, you set boundaries for how you will/won't spend your time. Telling your husband how to spend his isn't your place, and is highly likely to backfire, but you don't have to be part of it.

"Every time your mother hoovers you back in, it hurts my heart because I know how likely it is that she's just going to discard you, again, in a few month's time. I understand you want to spend time with you mom, but I don't. You deserves consistent, respectful love and it's hard for me to be around people who aren't willing/able to show you that love. I'll be at _______. Call me when you're back home."

And then you walk. Be there for him, be willing to listen if/when he wants to debrief, but you don't have to be there to witness this anymore. You've seen enough to see the pattern, and have communicated it to him. What he does with that is his business.

I'm sorry. This dynamic is rough. He's lucky to have someone who can help him get some perspective on her mess.

This is actually really helpful. Thanks for posting this. I know it’s what I have to do, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Im copying your script into my Notes app. Thanks again!

Glad it was helpful (minus the typos, but... yeah ). BTDT with my ex and his family, who tried to blame me, of course. The key is not to tell him he can't see his family. That way, when they try to triangulate you into it, and make you responsible for any argument or separation that might happen, you're clear. My ex still doesn't speak to his family and we've been split for 5+ years now; clearly it wasn't me. He finally came to see his family for who and how they are, and I spoke my piece and then stayed out of it.

Knowing it's right doesn't make it easier to do, but it'll make it easy for you to sleep at night. Best of luck with it!

Ehhhh. That’s his mother.

You sit him down and describe the cycle, with dates if you can recall them. Tell him this is not a normal way to live, and that he needs to read up on this and keep his mother at a distance permanently.

For example, she's not welcome in your home. If he wants to meet her somewhere, he can go and meet here somewhere. Tell him you do not want her around for any Holiday organized by your household. If someone else invites everyone over for Christmas or something, fine, you can see her there. But you will not invite her for Thanksgiving, go to Mother's Day brunch with her, or any of that stuff. If you have kids and he's fine with bringing the kids to see her by himself, you're OK with that.

OP I ceased a relationship with my BIL for similar reasons and it's been fine. Better than fine, it's been really liberating and removed a huge weight from my shoulders.

I do still see him sometimes at family gatherings, but keep my distance and am simply polite. I don't get drawn into conversation.

I know at first he was very angry but my husband stood up for me and the rest of the family understood and were accepting of my choice. His mental health issues have been a family burden for decades and I spent about 10 years after first meeting him trying to maintain a functional relationship, but then there were multiple incidents over the course of a few years, including threats of violence and meltdowns while visiting our home. The last came shortly after our first child was born and the stress I felt at having him in our house with my infant daughter was intense. That was when I decided that I would simply be removing myself from the relationship.

I also think that my choice has been beneficial for my DH even though he maintains a relationship with his BIL. It has helped give DH some internal permission to set stronger boundaries and to detach emotionally from BIL. My MIL continues to be a major enabler but that's her choice. And by ending my relationship with BIL, I feel I have more bandwidth to listen to and support DH when he is dealing with challenges with his family, because I am not totally drained as I used to be when I was dealing with BIL directly.

It's been healthier for both of us, I strongly encourage you to go for it. It will be hard at first but if you stay calm and secure in your decision, eventually people will accept it.

Anonymous wrote:Can you encourage your husband to get into therapy?

Oh, he’s in therapy, and his therapist had told him he doesn’t need to have a relationship with her, if he wants to cut ties. I don’t think he’s ready to do that, but I am.

Anonymous wrote:I think you already know, OP. Yes, you set boundaries for how you will/won't spend your time. Telling your husband how to spend his isn't your place, and is highly likely to backfire, but you don't have to be part of it.

"Every time your mother hoovers you back in, it hurts my heart because I know how likely it is that she's just going to discard you, again, in a few month's time. I understand you want to spend time with you mom, but I don't. You deserves consistent, respectful love and it's hard for me to be around people who aren't willing/able to show you that love. I'll be at _______. Call me when you're back home."

And then you walk. Be there for him, be willing to listen if/when he wants to debrief, but you don't have to be there to witness this anymore. You've seen enough to see the pattern, and have communicated it to him. What he does with that is his business.

I'm sorry. This dynamic is rough. He's lucky to have someone who can help him get some perspective on her mess.

This is actually really helpful. Thanks for posting this. I know it’s what I have to do, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Im copying your script into my Notes app. Thanks again!

Can you encourage your husband to get into therapy?

I think you already know, OP. Yes, you set boundaries for how you will/won't spend your time. Telling your husband how to spend his isn't your place, and is highly likely to backfire, but you don't have to be part of it.

"Every time your mother hoovers you back in, it hurts my heart because I know how likely it is that she's just going to discard you, again, in a few month's time. I understand you want to spend time with you mom, but I don't. You deserves consistent, respectful love and it's hard for me to be around people who aren't willing/able to show you that love. I'll be at _______. Call me when you're back home."

And then you walk. Be there for him, be willing to listen if/when he wants to debrief, but you don't have to be there to witness this anymore. You've seen enough to see the pattern, and have communicated it to him. What he does with that is his business.

I'm sorry. This dynamic is rough. He's lucky to have someone who can help him get some perspective on her mess.

You just drop the rope!

I’ve spent 15 years watching my husband get caught in the same abusive cycle with his mother, who has untreated BPD. After a particularly rough year in my own life, I’ve reached my breaking point. I just can’t do it anymore.

The cycle is always the same:
She creates some sort of drama and cuts him off. Then, after a while, she returns with fancy dinners, expensive gifts, and promises. Things are okay for a bit, and then she discards him again. This year alone, they’ve gone no-contact three separate times. And every time they’re not speaking, it is so peaceful.

I think he keeps going back because, deep down, he still wants the loving, safe mother he never had as a child. I understand that. I really do. But I can’t sit by and be part of this anymore. I can’t keep watching him get hurt. I can’t keep watching him light up with hope when she pulls him back in, only to see that hope crushed again and again.

This past week was especially tough for me personally, and it coincided with her pulling him back in again after weeks of not speaking. I finally blew up and told him what I see happening, the cycle I described above. He seemed shocked to hear it laid out that way, and maybe some of it landed? But I’m under no illusions; he’ll keep doing this dance with her.
What I need to figure out now is how to get off this train. I can’t stop him from having a relationship with her, but I don’t want to be involved anymore. I can’t keep showing up, smiling, and pretending like I don’t know how this will end.

So how do I step back? Do I stand my ground and say I don’t want to see her for a while? Has anyone else been in this position and if so, how did you protect your own peace without destroying your marriage in the process?