Reply to Caring or supporting for an elderly parent with a rotten personality

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Do not act like the hired help, OP. Do not clean. Do not cook. Do not fetch groceries yourself. Your sibling shouldn't do that either. Your parents need to feel the pressure to have an aide around the house, and they won't feel that pressure until you two stop doing stuff for them!!!

My husband compartmentalized and did what he could when his bipolar father, who had terrorized his family for years, became infirm and needed a lot of medical care. Distance really helped - we couldn't pop in because we lived on a different continent. DH is a doctor, and he reviewed his father's medical files, asked for extra tests, suggested medications, directed what sort of home accommodations he needed, questioned his father over the phone about his side effects, and his siblings were the people on the ground. The siblings tried to minimize actual contact with their father, which was necessary. My MIL sadly bore the brunt of his moods, but she hired helpers for the house, so she wasn't physically doing any grunt work. She had a gardener, a housecleaner who also did laundry, and she hired a caterer to occasionally cook some meals for them.

So I would advise you to maintain your distance, as much as you can. I know elders in nursing homes are better cared for if there's always the possibility of a drop-in from a relative, but in your case... he has not earned that from you, so don't worry about it. They can go to separate nursing homes, so that your mother can have relief from him, and you can visit her if you want to - you might find she changes her tune rapidly when she's not in his company! When they get too old and infirm, they can get on the list of a Medicaid home, and spend down their assets, and that will be that.

But before this time, DO NOT create the expectation that the two adult children have to travel to them and help them out.[/quote]

Family of monsters. How did you and your DH find each other? Wow.[/quote]

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