Reply to Boundaries - DD 18 choosing messy boyfriend entanglement

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[quote=Anonymous]DD graduated high school, 18, and planning to live at home for a few years as she starts and settles into uni.

Through high school, she had two separate runs with a really controlling guy who would give her 'permission' for things with friends and would cut her down and pout whenever he was upset (with her, his friends). And just a long list of red flags even her friends (as kids) could also see.

She has a psychologist she sees occasionally but does not talk about this guy with the psychologist (what she tells me).

When talking to this guy, she changes. It feels like she's throwing her life away. She had a very abusive dad growing up.

I told her after the last time that she decided the harm of this guy wasn't worth it, that her being entangled with him wasn't something I would support anymore, and that if she wants that for her life she will have to do that on her own.

And now here she is, happily re-engaging.

I feel used, like she wants all the good things I do for her, some of which are very hard as a single parent but yet wants to choose destruction and her delusional hook on this guy. She blocked him last time, then I find out they're talking again because she shows me something on her phone and he messages at that moment.

I just feel done with trying to care about her and help her build future if she just wants to throw it away. It's painful for me personally and as her mother. She's been a lot to raise her and I'm also just tired of self-sacrificing to try to help her when she chooses what she does.

How do you let go? If your adult child makes toxic choices,  when do you send them out to deal with that alone? Just struggling a lot with this. Sorry if I'm not making sense.[/quote]

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