Your child is 18. She is barely an adult. You don’t cut her off after a few bad choices because she’s 18. You continue to support her - with boundaries. And you continue to do what it takes to help her to move on. What are you thinking. She’s 18. How can she have made so many adult choices that you are willing to cut her off.

And before anyone castigated me, I have a mentally ill child and have been supporting, making and enforcing boundaries, doing everything I can to help them be successful and six long years after entering adulthood there is success. I get the hardship. But you don’t quit.

New subjected her to an abusive father I believe you owe her a little bit more than giving up on her at 18 FFS.

She’s not really an adult.

Is she going to college?

Make sure she’s on really good birth control.

Get her a really good therapist doesn’t sound like the one she has is all that great. Or call the therapist she has and express your concerns.

Even if she supports herself, she could still see the guy
Living on her own doesn't mean she'll break up with him.

I would say nothing about him anymore but you also don't have to act like you like him. All you can hope is that she comes to her senses. I think kids cling harder to the person if the parent disapproved.

How long did it take you to get away from her abusive dad? I would think you'd be more empathetic and understanding not only because you've had an abusive partner but because her issues with this guy stem from her issues from her abusive dad.

Is her BF a student or working? How old is he? Other than your subjective perception of him being controlling, what are the factual red flags?

However, no need to give him access to your home if you don't find it safe. She is free to visit him or get a job to get an apartment with him.

If she lives on campus and finds a friend group and good dating options, she may not have time or interest for him.

Who is paying for her car, food, phone, rent, clothes, internet? Is she an addict yet?

You go to AlAnon. Learn to detach with love.
She may not be welcome to live at home after high school. Tell her she gets help to deal with her codependence and daddy issues and separate from the abuser boyfriend or she must find a new home because it's toxic for the rest of the family,

You told her she’d have to live on her own but now you just don’t want to follow through? Grow a pair!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s an adult. Stay out of it. MYOB. Seriously.

I definitely would if she didn't live in my home, but I care a lot about my home being a safe space for myself and the people in it (my other child too). I didn't have a safe home most of life and inviting control and abuse dynamics is not something im interested in.

So you would prefer her to spend the night at his place? Fine. Tell her to do it then.

Anonymous wrote:She’s an adult. Stay out of it. MYOB. Seriously.

I definitely would if she didn't live in my home, but I care a lot about my home being a safe space for myself and the people in it (my other child too). I didn't have a safe home most of life and inviting control and abuse dynamics is not something im interested in.

You've told her how you feel. That's really all you can do. Very often it doesn't work.

She's making the same mistake you did. It can't be that surprising.

Send her away to college.

She’s an adult. Stay out of it. MYOB. Seriously.

DD graduated high school, 18, and planning to live at home for a few years as she starts and settles into uni.

Through high school, she had two separate runs with a really controlling guy who would give her 'permission' for things with friends and would cut her down and pout whenever he was upset (with her, his friends). And just a long list of red flags even her friends (as kids) could also see.

She has a psychologist she sees occasionally but does not talk about this guy with the psychologist (what she tells me).

When talking to this guy, she changes. It feels like she's throwing her life away. She had a very abusive dad growing up.

I told her after the last time that she decided the harm of this guy wasn't worth it, that her being entangled with him wasn't something I would support anymore, and that if she wants that for her life she will have to do that on her own.

And now here she is, happily re-engaging.

I feel used, like she wants all the good things I do for her, some of which are very hard as a single parent but yet wants to choose destruction and her delusional hook on this guy. She blocked him last time, then I find out they're talking again because she shows me something on her phone and he messages at that moment.

I just feel done with trying to care about her and help her build future if she just wants to throw it away. It's painful for me personally and as her mother. She's been a lot to raise her and I'm also just tired of self-sacrificing to try to help her when she chooses what she does.

How do you let go? If your adult child makes toxic choices, when do you send them out to deal with that alone? Just struggling a lot with this. Sorry if I'm not making sense.