Reply to if you're a "no divorce expect with abuse / cheating" person

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Reply to "if you're a "no divorce expect with abuse / cheating" person - what would you do in this situation"

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[quote=Anonymous]This is my marriage except the diagnosis is ADHD (he won't bother treating at this point), one kid has autism, and we have an added complicating layer of foreign service lifestyle. The short of it is that I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt so I can have peace of mind.

I put my efforts to ensuring that "my cup is filled", my coparenting burden is shared through my mostly female social network, and he and I make time to be fun/friends together. So far I have managed to stave off resentment by hiring help and frankly putting myself first wherever possible - mid-day naps, my money is my money even if means we live "less", and work travel. It is easier because my kids are slightly older (8 and 10), so if I blow off bedtime one night, the world does not end. I would say most of your misery is just the kids ages.

Overall we live "a lesser life" and not one that resembles what I thought I'd have at this age. A real low point was hiring out someone to teach our kids to ride bikes because he absolutely abdicated any interest/responsibility on this, zoning out on video games while paid coaches cheered our kids on with me. Having grown up with a dad exactly like this, brilliant and high earning but stressed and unavailable, I really really invest in my village. My uncles taught me to ride bikes, my neighbors shared the carpool, etc., I think that's right, honestly. It's too much pressure for 2 people.

I've now come to see the video games as his social and processing time, and as long as he's putting in 8-10 hour work days at a super stressful job, okay. He's incapable of any more.

I've done a lot of reading on what relationships really are, what I need, what he needs, and I'd recommend doing the same. Harriet Lerner's The Dance of Intimacy changed my entire outlook. But I also learned a lot about how to "work" with men in The Truth About Cheating by M. Gary Neuman. Do I love my spouse? Sure. Would I be fine without him? You betcha. But I'm not interested in anyone else, or looking for anyone else, so if we're in these rough years of childrearing together (with his role being provider, and I truly let him take that mental stress on solo because I'm carrying the "are the kids okay" stress solo) then we may as well be buddies in the trenches.

I also got separate everything - comforters, towels, bathroom. Good luck. Things change. Take it one day at a time. [/quote]

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