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[quote=Anonymous]DH has several mental health issues (some diagnosed, some suspected by therapist but not officially Dx (namely BPD) - he engages mildly in therapy but doesn't put in the actual work to change. Take as a given that the way he is no is the way he's going to be for the foreseeable and there is no "asking" or "insisting" on change.  His mental health got much worse with kids (who are 3 and 5) - obviously there were flags but I was not knowingly signing up for this

DH will not take responsibility for ANYTHING domestic related (house or kids).  Its not that he does nothing - some days he'll clean the whole kitchen or decide to take a kid to an activity - but its only on his terms.  He would never follow through with an agreement to cook dinner every sat night or do monday school drop offs or regularly participate in bedtimes.  He also leaves his trash and laundry around - he'd get it cleaned up eventually but I can't wait that long for it and it drives me crazy. I also don't want to role model that for our kids and have them also just leaving their trash and things around.  When I push for things he either agrees and doesn't follow through or verbally lashes out using his mental health as a cover (eg "how can you expect me to care about my trash when i'm struggling to get out of bed some days"....but said on a day he's not in a deep depression struggling to get out of bed).

We both work - he works more and makes more than I do but I would fully support him changing careers / making less if he wanted (he does not want to).  He doesn't work much on weekends and doesn't pick up his share then either.

I see my options as 1) fully capitulate and accept i'm responsible for 100% and even need to pick up after him if I don't want to live with his trash around and somehow make peace with that, 2) bang my head against the wall continually asking for changes i won't get, or 3) divorce.  I do worry a lot about all scenarios of divorce in terms of the impact on the kids - if I thought he was a guy who would magically get it together when divorced and be able to safely care for kids that would be the obvious answer, but unfortunately I don't think that'd be the case.  I could see him doing anything from fighting for 50% (even though he travels 80% and plays no dependable day to day role in their lives now) to walking away from them and basically never seeing them again - both would be horrible for the kids.

I hate the idea of divorce and putting my kids through that.  I also hate them seeing this marriage and division of labor.  I know many many would say just divorce, i'm specifically curious what though with a very high bar for divorce would do in this situation. [/quote]

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