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[quote=Anonymous]We are in crisis because I am at my breaking point. I am at an extremely stressful job place right now with deadlines I am missing and far too much work to get done in the day. DH is in a new job (has changed jobs numerous times int he last couple years, so he's been in a new job forever, it seems). We have a baby and toddler. We have a great nanny, but she does not drive, clean, etc. As for the heavy duty cleaning, we have someone every other week for that....so mostly house stuff is intense organization/decluttering and light cleaning.

Our fight tonight, which is essentially every fight, is that I feel like I bear 90 percent of the burden for running the household. We split "hands on" child care more or less evenly, as well as laundry and dishes ( although he often leaves the hand wash items on the sink, as if some magical gremlin is going to do it).  The issue is everything else. He thinks everything is equal, but honestly, I don't see it .

What I do exclusively: all the finances (setting a budget, bills, insurance and reimbursement, repairs, researching all investment/college savings, taxes, even sorting out his benefits--he's got a horrible track record of ignoring stuff to our detriment, so I've had to take it all over). All the shopping for the kids (clothes, shoes, appropriate toys/games,), plus sorting toys, cleaning clothes, etc. Most of the grocery shopping (I do pea pod now, which helps), open/sort/file all the mail; water plants; plan all of our vacations/trips; do all the research on daycares and preschools; deal with all of our various and sundry (and unfortunately frequent) house repairs; and declutter the house daily--I literally find DH's dirty socks under the dining room table every morning, and am constantly putting things away that he takes out but forgets to put back. When he takes the kids out, he leaves bags of random stuff around the house and in the car--diapers, half eaten  bagels, dirty clothes, dirty bottles, and doesn't put this stuff away.

More generally I have do to all the organization of spaces--like organizing the bathrooms, which then get cluttered in a few weeks (I try to sort things into boxes/categories, DH just takes stuff out and leaves it everywhere) or the drawers in the kitchen, or our dining room, where DH will just pile up papers and bags for weeks. I've tried ignoring it, but I can't stand living like that and its embarrassing when people come over. Oh, and I also cook dinner every night. If I don't cook dinner because I am working late, he will make something like grilled cheese for the kids. He cooks family dinner, or a real dish, maybe every 6 months. Sometimes I am too tired to cook and he will make himself a sandwich---not offer to cook for me.

So, now that I have a shit storm of stuff at work, I need time to work at home, and a reduction of this burden, but DH will not pick up the slack and I lose it. Or he says  "what can I do to help?" and I'll tell him something specific--like, please deal with X, but then he doesn't do it, which really pisses me off (I asked him to look into a specific repair and get quotes, and also to look into a specific financial issues--he's done neither, despite repeated requests over months).  THen he tells me that maybe I should't worry so much about stuff (like paying our bills? applying for preschool?). And he never says thank you or acknowledges all that I do (yes, I acknowledge what he does). So I've just had it. I'm angry and stressed out all the time and as a result, we're fighting all the time and not enjoying each other's company. In fact, I dream of just leaving. The times when he is out of town is paradoxically easier--I only have myself and two kids to clean up after and deal with. But I don't want to live this way and I don't want a divorce. I just want to get out of this horrible place where I am constantly on the brink of losing it. Sometimes it is 10pm and I am finishing up dishes and settling down to  work and he is snoozing on the couch and I want to fucking deck him because I would like to be snoozing on the couch, but I had to make dinner, clean up, do bills and then sit down to work.

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