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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My dad was like this. My well intentioned mom stressed that he loved us and sort of just couldn’t be there because of vague reasons (alcoholism and being generally irresponsible, I understand as an adult.)

I give her lots of credit for doing what she thought was the right thing but I actually fee it was harmful in that it was clear he didn’t love me the way other kids’ dads loved them, so I ended up feeling sort of confused and guilty if I had critical thoughts about my deadbeat dad.

Not that I think she should have badmouthed him either, but acknowledging the loss/anger as kids get older is probably wise. It’s a hard balance to find-good luck! [/quote]

Yeah. It’s a very hard balance to navigate but refusing to acknowledge it doesn’t help (especially for older kids). My kid’s dad is present, but has some pretty serious flaws as a parent that result in my kid being pretty angry at him from time to time. So I have to acknowledge that he’s not wrong to be mad, but at the same time, not devolve into bashing my ex (which of course is HARD when you see a grown man being a d*ck your kid.) But at the same time I have a strong drive to make my kid feel safe and loved. It’s very hard![/quote]

Navigating this now with a young teen.  It’s a hard line to walk when your kid is rightfully angry about something.  I try really hard to steer things away from “I hate him” and toward “I hate when he does X” and acknowledging that the hurt and anger are intertwined.  It completely sucks to feel like I’m defending the jerk hurting my kid.

With a very young child like OP’s, I’d lean heavily on a well-regarded psychologist and therapist.  It’s much easier (on me) with an older kid who has friends to vent to and a better ability to talk out frustrations.

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