Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad was like this. My well intentioned mom stressed that he loved us and sort of just couldn’t be there because of vague reasons (alcoholism and being generally irresponsible, I understand as an adult.)

I give her lots of credit for doing what she thought was the right thing but I actually fee it was harmful in that it was clear he didn’t love me the way other kids’ dads loved them, so I ended up feeling sort of confused and guilty if I had critical thoughts about my deadbeat dad.

Not that I think she should have badmouthed him either, but acknowledging the loss/anger as kids get older is probably wise. It’s a hard balance to find-good luck!

Yeah. It’s a very hard balance to navigate but refusing to acknowledge it doesn’t help (especially for older kids). My kid’s dad is present, but has some pretty serious flaws as a parent that result in my kid being pretty angry at him from time to time. So I have to acknowledge that he’s not wrong to be mad, but at the same time, not devolve into bashing my ex (which of course is HARD when you see a grown man being a d*ck your kid.) But at the same time I have a strong drive to make my kid feel safe and loved. It’s very hard!

Navigating this now with a young teen. It’s a hard line to walk when your kid is rightfully angry about something. I try really hard to steer things away from “I hate him” and toward “I hate when he does X” and acknowledging that the hurt and anger are intertwined. It completely sucks to feel like I’m defending the jerk hurting my kid.

With a very young child like OP’s, I’d lean heavily on a well-regarded psychologist and therapist. It’s much easier (on me) with an older kid who has friends to vent to and a better ability to talk out frustrations.

OP here,

I don’t feel like he needs a therapist now, although older siblings have them, because he doesn’t yet realize something is wrong. In his mind “Mommy” is a person he sees for very short periods of time once in a while, kind of like a cousin twice removed you see at weddings and funerals. He doesn’t have any sense that he is supposed to see her more often.

I feel like that day is coming when he realizes that mommies don’t usually behave like that.

Anonymous wrote:We don't know the whole story. Mine allowed me to see my kid only when he was around. The kid was so scared of upsetting their father they simply sat and looked at their phone the whole time 20 minute meeting usually.
The dad was happy as this showed him how the kid doesn't care.
Had we been allowed by dad to be alone, we would have hugged, played, laughed, and be able to say how much I missed them.
Do your best to meet with the mom as much s possible, but I have feeling you want to hang round, but I don't know why.

I don’t know why you have that feeling because it couldn’t be further from the truth.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad was like this. My well intentioned mom stressed that he loved us and sort of just couldn’t be there because of vague reasons (alcoholism and being generally irresponsible, I understand as an adult.)

I give her lots of credit for doing what she thought was the right thing but I actually fee it was harmful in that it was clear he didn’t love me the way other kids’ dads loved them, so I ended up feeling sort of confused and guilty if I had critical thoughts about my deadbeat dad.

Not that I think she should have badmouthed him either, but acknowledging the loss/anger as kids get older is probably wise. It’s a hard balance to find-good luck!

Yeah. It’s a very hard balance to navigate but refusing to acknowledge it doesn’t help (especially for older kids). My kid’s dad is present, but has some pretty serious flaws as a parent that result in my kid being pretty angry at him from time to time. So I have to acknowledge that he’s not wrong to be mad, but at the same time, not devolve into bashing my ex (which of course is HARD when you see a grown man being a d*ck your kid.) But at the same time I have a strong drive to make my kid feel safe and loved. It’s very hard!

Navigating this now with a young teen. It’s a hard line to walk when your kid is rightfully angry about something. I try really hard to steer things away from “I hate him” and toward “I hate when he does X” and acknowledging that the hurt and anger are intertwined. It completely sucks to feel like I’m defending the jerk hurting my kid.

With a very young child like OP’s, I’d lean heavily on a well-regarded psychologist and therapist. It’s much easier (on me) with an older kid who has friends to vent to and a better ability to talk out frustrations.

Anonymous wrote:There is probably far more going on. Make it easy for her to see the kids and be involved.

Nope. Primary parent does not need the added responsibility of making the deadbeat parent seem better than they are. We have way too much on our plate as it is.

Anonymous wrote:We don't know the whole story. Mine allowed me to see my kid only when he was around. The kid was so scared of upsetting their father they simply sat and looked at their phone the whole time 20 minute meeting usually.
The dad was happy as this showed him how the kid doesn't care.
Had we been allowed by dad to be alone, we would have hugged, played, laughed, and be able to say how much I missed them.
Do your best to meet with the mom as much s possible, but I have feeling you want to hang round, but I don't know why.

Huh? How do you only have a supervised 20 minute visit with your kid?

You read books about all different types of families. Two daddy families, families with grandparents, families with single moms, etc.

We don't know the whole story. Mine allowed me to see my kid only when he was around. The kid was so scared of upsetting their father they simply sat and looked at their phone the whole time 20 minute meeting usually.
The dad was happy as this showed him how the kid doesn't care.
Had we been allowed by dad to be alone, we would have hugged, played, laughed, and be able to say how much I missed them.
Do your best to meet with the mom as much s possible, but I have feeling you want to hang round, but I don't know why.

Anonymous wrote:There is probably far more going on. Make it easy for her to see the kids and be involved.

If the ex were a He you would excoriate him and scream about his duty to his children. The children are better off without someone who might be there for them on a "once in awhile" basis!

Anonymous wrote:My dad was like this. My well intentioned mom stressed that he loved us and sort of just couldn’t be there because of vague reasons (alcoholism and being generally irresponsible, I understand as an adult.)

I give her lots of credit for doing what she thought was the right thing but I actually fee it was harmful in that it was clear he didn’t love me the way other kids’ dads loved them, so I ended up feeling sort of confused and guilty if I had critical thoughts about my deadbeat dad.

Not that I think she should have badmouthed him either, but acknowledging the loss/anger as kids get older is probably wise. It’s a hard balance to find-good luck!

Yeah. It’s a very hard balance to navigate but refusing to acknowledge it doesn’t help (especially for older kids). My kid’s dad is present, but has some pretty serious flaws as a parent that result in my kid being pretty angry at him from time to time. So I have to acknowledge that he’s not wrong to be mad, but at the same time, not devolve into bashing my ex (which of course is HARD when you see a grown man being a d*ck your kid.) But at the same time I have a strong drive to make my kid feel safe and loved. It’s very hard!

Anonymous wrote:My dad was like this. My well intentioned mom stressed that he loved us and sort of just couldn’t be there because of vague reasons (alcoholism and being generally irresponsible, I understand as an adult.)

I give her lots of credit for doing what she thought was the right thing but I actually fee it was harmful in that it was clear he didn’t love me the way other kids’ dads loved them, so I ended up feeling sort of confused and guilty if I had critical thoughts about my deadbeat dad.

Not that I think she should have badmouthed him either, but acknowledging the loss/anger as kids get older is probably wise. It’s a hard balance to find-good luck!

I was a Mom in this position with a neglectful father. I had full custody. In the early days when the kids were little, I tried to foster a positive relationship and encourage and support his parenting. On the surface, this seemed like the right thing to do, underneath it often put me in the position of normalizing his neglectful behavior or covering for him. I don't think this was helpful to my children.

In middle school and high school, I tried to be more truthful about the neglectful behavior and talk about it with my kids in a kind way to ensure that they understood his neglect was about him and not a reflection of their worthiness, but it was too difficult for me to be the one to do that because my message could be perceived by them and by my ex as criticizing and undermining him. So I got them both therapists, and I think the therapist was better able than I was to help them identify neglectful and abusive behavior and set boundaries.

there is a real long-term cost to these kinds of neglectful parents – in our case, it says both of our kids up to be people pleasers to be vulnerable to abuse in intimate relationships because they didn't know what a healthy intimate partnership looks like. (I never dated or remarried, because I didn't want to introduce more complications into their situation. I preferred to be the very stable and available parents. That choice might've come from a scarcity mindset, but I believe it was the right one.)

So, therapy can be helpful. For both parent and child. More therapy for me might have helped me set boundaries earlier and empowered me to get out of the scarcity mindset and bounce back more quickly from the trauma.

My dad was like this. My well intentioned mom stressed that he loved us and sort of just couldn’t be there because of vague reasons (alcoholism and being generally irresponsible, I understand as an adult.)

I give her lots of credit for doing what she thought was the right thing but I actually fee it was harmful in that it was clear he didn’t love me the way other kids’ dads loved them, so I ended up feeling sort of confused and guilty if I had critical thoughts about my deadbeat dad.

Not that I think she should have badmouthed him either, but acknowledging the loss/anger as kids get older is probably wise. It’s a hard balance to find-good luck!

Time for a child therapist. It’ll be play therapy at this age.

Anonymous wrote:There is probably far more going on. Make it easy for her to see the kids and be involved.

I have tried very hard to do that.

There is probably far more going on. Make it easy for her to see the kids and be involved.

My ex has lost interest in parenting. She hasn’t seen the kids or responded to texts or calls from the older ones in months. She and I recently came to an agreement that gives me primary custody but she still has opportunities to see them that she doesn’t take.

My youngest, who is three, doesn’t remember living with her. He is just starting to figure out that Moms are things most children have. How do I talk to him about this?