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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My dad was like this. My well intentioned mom stressed that he loved us and sort of just couldn’t be there because of vague reasons (alcoholism and being generally irresponsible, I understand as an adult.)

I give her lots of credit for doing what she thought was the right thing but I actually fee it was harmful in that it was clear he didn’t love me the way other kids’ dads loved them, so I ended up feeling sort of confused and guilty if I had critical thoughts about my deadbeat dad.

Not that I think she should have badmouthed him either, but acknowledging the loss/anger as kids get older is probably wise. It’s a hard balance to find-good luck! [/quote]

I was a Mom in this position with a neglectful father. I had full custody. In the early days when the kids were little, I tried to foster a positive relationship and encourage and support his parenting. On the surface, this seemed like the right thing to do, underneath it often put me in the position of normalizing his neglectful behavior or covering for him. I don't think this was helpful to my children.

In middle school and high school, I tried to be more truthful about the neglectful behavior and talk about it with my kids in a kind way to ensure that they understood his neglect was about him and not a reflection of their worthiness, but it was too difficult for me to be the one to do that because my message could be perceived by them and by my ex as criticizing and undermining him. So I got them both therapists, and I think the therapist was better able than I was to help them identify neglectful and abusive behavior and set boundaries.

there is a real long-term cost to these kinds of neglectful parents – in our case, it says both of our kids up to be people pleasers to be vulnerable to abuse in intimate relationships because they didn't know what a healthy intimate partnership looks like. (I never dated or remarried, because I didn't want to introduce more complications into their situation. I preferred to be the very stable and available parents. That choice might've come from a scarcity mindset, but I believe it was the right one.)

So, therapy can be helpful. For both parent and child.  More therapy for me might have helped me set boundaries earlier and empowered me to get out of the scarcity mindset and bounce back more quickly from the trauma. [/quote]

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