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[quote=Anonymous]I’m a Fed. My prior manager (let’s call her A) promoted about a year ago and since then I’ve worked with a different woman, “B” as my manager. I was on a project where I worked with B on a daily basis. That project ended and now I work with a different team but B is still my manager. We check in about once a month. I work in a different city than these woman so our interactions are typically over Teams or email.

Historically I’ve had a really positive experience with both women - they are excellent mentors, we’ve had a friendly rapport, and I’ve had good performance reviews.

Both women are black women and I am a white woman. Last summer I accidentally sent A an email intended for B. Then, also last summer, when I got pulled in to help on something very last minute I accidentally sent an email to B intended for the person I was helping - also a black woman. At the time I realized this was a problem and apologized to both women. Well…apparently a few weeks ago I again sent A an email intended for B. I did not know I’d done this until B spoke to me about it. When she spoke to me and noted it comes across as a micro-aggression she kindly acknowledged that I’d been under a lot of stress and pressure in each instance and that she trusted I didn’t have ill intent but that it’s about the impact on the people involved. I told her that i completely agreed that it was unacceptable, that appreciated her noting the intent but I agreed to that impact was what mattered, and that I was mortified, sorry, and had no excuse. She said “thank you, we’re good. Don’t worry about it, but please be careful. I don’t want others feeling this way.” It was also at a point when I could continue working with her or with the person on my new project. I told her (prior to this part of the conversation, but it’s still true) that I didn’t really know the knew project lead yet and I’d like to continue working with her, but that the new lead seems great so if her plate was full I could switch. She said she’d like to keep working together

Since then I’ve been reflecting a lot about what I can do. I realized the need to slow down and be less focused on efficiency (all three emails were sent when I was in a hurry) and more focused on being present. I realized in other circumstances I switch a lot of my colleagues names (like I was talking to a friend about our current lawyer (a white man) and accidentally kept referring to him by the name of his boss (a white man with a similar name) and did the same thing when talking to my husband about my current and prior graphics support (both white women).

I’ve made a list by my computer of the names of my current team, have been double checking names in all my emails, and just revisited our anti-harassment and anti-racism training. I’m very anxious about making this mistake again and, if I do, it will appear I’m not taking this seriously.

I have ADHD and, after a friend told me she thinks this is my ADHD showing up at work, I discussed it with my doctor. She told me I should let my manager know I’ve given it thought and have taken some steps but that I’m afraid about the bar being perfection and I’m anxious about making the mistake again. Someone else told me I should tell my manager that I have ADHD and that it makes these situations harder and telling her that I do this with other people too . I think these come across as placing blame elsewhere and not accepting responsibility or make me appear even worse than she already thinks.  I am considering just reiterating when we next meet that I really value her trusting me enough to bring it to my attention and that I’ve been taking steps to be more careful when things feel rushed. Or just not mentioning it. If she were not my manager I definitely would not mention it again because I don’t want to come across as needing my victim to give me blessing on my path forward.

Sorry for the saga, but we meet again soon and I’m really at a loss how best to proceed. I’ve thought about looking for a coach within my office, but it’s hard to figure out who to approach with this sensitive topic…unless I ask my manager if she can recommend a coach. But again, then I have to indicate to her that this is a broader problem.

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