Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You just need to find ways to be more careful and pay attention to detail. You already did what you needed to do - apologize and explain; so now move on. Aside from the racial aspect (which is real, despite how most of DCUM will deny), you just need to make less mistakes.

You need to be more careful and pay attention to detail. It’s fewer mistakes, not less mistakes.

Luckily I don't write for a living, and I don't mix up black people at work, so I'm doing ok.

Anonymous wrote:This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

+1. Seriously.

This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

Okay, here's my advice, assuming that's what you want.

1) Do not mention the ADHD. Adult managers do not want to hear about other adults having ADHD. At this point in your career, it's on you to create the systems that your brain needs for success. It sounds like you are working on that, with the lists and being more careful.

2) Do not explain that you do this with white men too. Mixing up Jim and Tim in a verbal discussion is actually different than sitting down and typing out Joan when you mean Diane.

3) Don't mention it again. That's just awkward. Show, don't tell.

Anonymous wrote:Since you are a fed, get a note from the psychologist or doctor about your disability with names. These managers know the ropes and will try to milk out some type of discrimination lawsuit against the government, so protect yourself.

Not a bad idea, but under what context? It's not Schedule A since she is already hired and I don't think you can request a reasonable accommodation for calling people by the wrong name. Can feds just request things be added to their file?

Since you are a fed, get a note from the psychologist or doctor about your disability with names. These managers know the ropes and will try to milk out some type of discrimination lawsuit against the government, so protect yourself.

Anonymous wrote:You just need to find ways to be more careful and pay attention to detail. You already did what you needed to do - apologize and explain; so now move on. Aside from the racial aspect (which is real, despite how most of DCUM will deny), you just need to make less mistakes.

You need to be more careful and pay attention to detail. It’s fewer mistakes, not less mistakes.

You just need to find ways to be more careful and pay attention to detail. You already did what you needed to do - apologize and explain; so now move on. Aside from the racial aspect (which is real, despite how most of DCUM will deny), you just need to make less mistakes.

What does race have to do with it?

Slow down and be more mindful. Your list sounds like a good plan. If you aren't actively treating the ADHD then do that.

Don't over apologize.

You're not racist and you really haven't done anything wrong. Just be more careful.

I think you are trying to find fixes for the emailing problem, but you have identified that your brain is sorting people by gender and race - that’s typical! You reach for one name in your brain and the other comes out. You mix up white men, white women, and black women.

The trick here is to unlink these two women in your brain. Really spend time thinking of them, their strengths and individuality, the projects you’ve done together, etc. You need to train your brain to put their names, faces, and work into DIFFERENT buckets in your brain.

Oh boy, yeah, as a fellow ADHD person this sounds like ADHD + being stretched to me.

Do you think there is an actual racial component to this? It sounds, from your description, that the racial stuff is incidental - and it's more a matter of there happens to be two Black women leading projects you're working on, and two white men who are lawyers at the agency.

I also have trouble with details/mixing stuff up that I would never regularly mix up when I am going through a bad ADHD spell.

It sounds to me like you are taking exactly the right approach - building in levels of fact-checking for yourself. Just be sure every time you send an email that you're triple checking it's the right person you're sending it to.

And also try to breathe. Talk to your therapist if you can. You didn't commit a crime, the person who talked to you still wants to work with you, people make mistakes, you are not a bad person - or a racist (I don't think). You made some easy to make mistakes that did not lead to anything catastrophic or, you're aware, you're making efforts not to repeat those mistakes. You're human!

Op here. Typing on phone so ironically given the topic I had a lot of typos. Sorry!

I don't understand how it's a "microaggression." Is the insinuation that to you, all black people look the same or something? Because THAT insinuation would be a bit more than a "microaggression."

It's a mistake. Shit happens. Move on. Worry less. You're right to slow down and be more careful. But I think you're focused on the wrong things here.

I’m a Fed. My prior manager (let’s call her A) promoted about a year ago and since then I’ve worked with a different woman, “B” as my manager. I was on a project where I worked with B on a daily basis. That project ended and now I work with a different team but B is still my manager. We check in about once a month. I work in a different city than these woman so our interactions are typically over Teams or email.

Historically I’ve had a really positive experience with both women - they are excellent mentors, we’ve had a friendly rapport, and I’ve had good performance reviews.

Both women are black women and I am a white woman. Last summer I accidentally sent A an email intended for B. Then, also last summer, when I got pulled in to help on something very last minute I accidentally sent an email to B intended for the person I was helping - also a black woman. At the time I realized this was a problem and apologized to both women. Well…apparently a few weeks ago I again sent A an email intended for B. I did not know I’d done this until B spoke to me about it. When she spoke to me and noted it comes across as a micro-aggression she kindly acknowledged that I’d been under a lot of stress and pressure in each instance and that she trusted I didn’t have ill intent but that it’s about the impact on the people involved. I told her that i completely agreed that it was unacceptable, that appreciated her noting the intent but I agreed to that impact was what mattered, and that I was mortified, sorry, and had no excuse. She said “thank you, we’re good. Don’t worry about it, but please be careful. I don’t want others feeling this way.” It was also at a point when I could continue working with her or with the person on my new project. I told her (prior to this part of the conversation, but it’s still true) that I didn’t really know the knew project lead yet and I’d like to continue working with her, but that the new lead seems great so if her plate was full I could switch. She said she’d like to keep working together

Since then I’ve been reflecting a lot about what I can do. I realized the need to slow down and be less focused on efficiency (all three emails were sent when I was in a hurry) and more focused on being present. I realized in other circumstances I switch a lot of my colleagues names (like I was talking to a friend about our current lawyer (a white man) and accidentally kept referring to him by the name of his boss (a white man with a similar name) and did the same thing when talking to my husband about my current and prior graphics support (both white women).

I’ve made a list by my computer of the names of my current team, have been double checking names in all my emails, and just revisited our anti-harassment and anti-racism training. I’m very anxious about making this mistake again and, if I do, it will appear I’m not taking this seriously.

I have ADHD and, after a friend told me she thinks this is my ADHD showing up at work, I discussed it with my doctor. She told me I should let my manager know I’ve given it thought and have taken some steps but that I’m afraid about the bar being perfection and I’m anxious about making the mistake again. Someone else told me I should tell my manager that I have ADHD and that it makes these situations harder and telling her that I do this with other people too . I think these come across as placing blame elsewhere and not accepting responsibility or make me appear even worse than she already thinks. I am considering just reiterating when we next meet that I really value her trusting me enough to bring it to my attention and that I’ve been taking steps to be more careful when things feel rushed. Or just not mentioning it. If she were not my manager I definitely would not mention it again because I don’t want to come across as needing my victim to give me blessing on my path forward.

Sorry for the saga, but we meet again soon and I’m really at a loss how best to proceed. I’ve thought about looking for a coach within my office, but it’s hard to figure out who to approach with this sensitive topic…unless I ask my manager if she can recommend a coach. But again, then I have to indicate to her that this is a broader problem.