Reply to Logistics for surviving parent after one passes away

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is not your decision or your dad’s decision. This is your mom’s decision. She’s not a puppy who needs rehoming.

Honestly, if it were me I’d be as vague as possible with your dad to make it sound like you’re going to do exactly what he wants you to. It is definitely not his place to decide where your mom will live, but I wouldn’t try to hash that out with someone with a terminal diagnosis.  If it gives him comfort to believe that your mom is going to move in with you, then I would certainly heavily imply that.

But in the end, this is your mom’s choice. She may have a certain amount of learned helplessness after living with your dad, who it sounds like was happy to take control of things. But she still gets to make that choice. [/quote]

My friends and I have dealt with elders who didn't care much for their own parents, but refuse to follow in their footsteps and go to CCRC or AL and yes, if cognitively OK you have free will and it's your decision, but what they don't want to deal with is natural consequences. Their friends move away. They are alone in a house with a caregiver they don't like and if they fire that person, it's hard to get another. They could fall and have nobody around if they refuse help. Their children cannot be there on command. Having meals delivered is not quite as fun as going to a dining room where you can meet up with friends. Chairlifts are bumpy. House repairs are hard to keep up with. You can hire expensive services to help and it's never what you expect and in our case the woman used scare tactics so mom would never consider IL/AL even though 2 of her friends moved to a CCRC with IL?AL?MC and are having a great time there. The biggest issue with all our parents has been completely outrageous demands on us and no ability to empathize with how much we are balancing and how unsustainable it all is. So yes, mommy isn't a puppy, but she needs to understand the limits of her adult children and be willing to face the reality that comes with her decision.[/quote]

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