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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]....my well-intentioned but narcissistic mom...[/quote]

I can't get over this phrase. A narcissist is not 'well intentioned'.

What you describe is unacceptable and why I have rigid boundaries. I had no choice but to endure that behavior while growing up. I will not allow my kids to be subjected to it now that I've got a choice.[/quote]

So, I would describe my mother as number four in this article:
https://psychcentral.com/health/types-of-narcissism

A communal narcissist.

And, this year is the first year she's yelled at my kids.  She's getting older and is starting to decline a bit mentally.  She has mild cognitive impairment.  Not dementia, but definitely less self control than before.

To me, while she definitely fits the definition of being a narcissist, she's not an evil person.  She's incredibly socially clueless, embarrassing and was indeed the opposite of empathetic to me as a child.  But she's not evil.

For me, it takes setting major boundaries to make visits work.  It's just become clear that she's simply not able to host, both because she's older and lacks self control, and because she just can't handle having a young kid around.

I hear you guys that going no-contact has been your best choice.  I don't think it's mine at this time.  I love my mom and know that she loves me.  She tries her best and is not a bad person, but her best isn't good enough, and never was.

For me, trying to provide the support I can to my mother is also [b]about showing my kids that even if our parents are deeply imperfect, we take care of them as they age. [/b] My kids may (probably will), some day, decide that I have deeply wounded them.  I know I'm not perfect even as I do my best.  The same is true of my mom, even if her imperfect is perhaps more intense and even worse than many others'.

Like I said, we'll stay elsewhere next year.  [/quote]

That is the part where you get into dangerous territory. Yes, stay elsewhere. Yes, decrease time of visits and maybe see her in public where she might behave more. However, never ever give your child the impression that abuse can be excused. You make it clear what grandma did is not OK, she didn't deserve it and it will not be tolerated. Sure you can explain grandma has declined, but your child comes first. Any time grandma yells at your child, you stop it immediately and if she won't calm down you leave. You child deserves protection not excuses.[/quote]

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