Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

....my well-intentioned but narcissistic mom...

I can't get over this phrase. A narcissist is not 'well intentioned'.

What you describe is unacceptable and why I have rigid boundaries. I had no choice but to endure that behavior while growing up. I will not allow my kids to be subjected to it now that I've got a choice.

So, I would describe my mother as number four in this article:
https://psychcentral.com/health/types-of-narcissism

A communal narcissist.

And, this year is the first year she's yelled at my kids. She's getting older and is starting to decline a bit mentally. She has mild cognitive impairment. Not dementia, but definitely less self control than before.

To me, while she definitely fits the definition of being a narcissist, she's not an evil person. She's incredibly socially clueless, embarrassing and was indeed the opposite of empathetic to me as a child. But she's not evil.

For me, it takes setting major boundaries to make visits work. It's just become clear that she's simply not able to host, both because she's older and lacks self control, and because she just can't handle having a young kid around.

I hear you guys that going no-contact has been your best choice. I don't think it's mine at this time. I love my mom and know that she loves me. She tries her best and is not a bad person, but her best isn't good enough, and never was.

For me, trying to provide the support I can to my mother is also about showing my kids that even if our parents are deeply imperfect, we take care of them as they age. My kids may (probably will), some day, decide that I have deeply wounded them. I know I'm not perfect even as I do my best. The same is true of my mom, even if her imperfect is perhaps more intense and even worse than many others'.

Like I said, we'll stay elsewhere next year.

That is the part where you get into dangerous territory. Yes, stay elsewhere. Yes, decrease time of visits and maybe see her in public where she might behave more. However, never ever give your child the impression that abuse can be excused. You make it clear what grandma did is not OK, she didn't deserve it and it will not be tolerated. Sure you can explain grandma has declined, but your child comes first. Any time grandma yells at your child, you stop it immediately and if she won't calm down you leave. You child deserves protection not excuses.

+1 Mental illness is and explanation, not an excuse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

....my well-intentioned but narcissistic mom...

I can't get over this phrase. A narcissist is not 'well intentioned'.

What you describe is unacceptable and why I have rigid boundaries. I had no choice but to endure that behavior while growing up. I will not allow my kids to be subjected to it now that I've got a choice.

So, I would describe my mother as number four in this article:
https://psychcentral.com/health/types-of-narcissism

A communal narcissist.

And, this year is the first year she's yelled at my kids. She's getting older and is starting to decline a bit mentally. She has mild cognitive impairment. Not dementia, but definitely less self control than before.

To me, while she definitely fits the definition of being a narcissist, she's not an evil person. She's incredibly socially clueless, embarrassing and was indeed the opposite of empathetic to me as a child. But she's not evil.

For me, it takes setting major boundaries to make visits work. It's just become clear that she's simply not able to host, both because she's older and lacks self control, and because she just can't handle having a young kid around.

I hear you guys that going no-contact has been your best choice. I don't think it's mine at this time. I love my mom and know that she loves me. She tries her best and is not a bad person, but her best isn't good enough, and never was.

For me, trying to provide the support I can to my mother is also about showing my kids that even if our parents are deeply imperfect, we take care of them as they age. My kids may (probably will), some day, decide that I have deeply wounded them. I know I'm not perfect even as I do my best. The same is true of my mom, even if her imperfect is perhaps more intense and even worse than many others'.

Like I said, we'll stay elsewhere next year.

That is the part where you get into dangerous territory. Yes, stay elsewhere. Yes, decrease time of visits and maybe see her in public where she might behave more. However, never ever give your child the impression that abuse can be excused. You make it clear what grandma did is not OK, she didn't deserve it and it will not be tolerated. Sure you can explain grandma has declined, but your child comes first. Any time grandma yells at your child, you stop it immediately and if she won't calm down you leave. You child deserves protection not excuses.

Been there. You keep stepping back to find a comfort zone. Stay at a hotel next time. Meet in public places. If you meet for a meal, don't meet at a place that does a long prolonged meal. You want to be able to leave before things get too heated. Incorporated more things to do without her where you get the things that help you cope fresh air/exercise/seeing friends/resting/reading.

When we visit my narc parent, we stay at a hotel and our visits are between 1–2 hours each day we are there. This works well for us.

My sibling stays in their house and consequently after each visit is almost in a coma for a couple days to recover from the toxic effect.

Anonymous wrote:Were you staying in the same house as your mother? For the future, go to a hotel or air B&B for your family, so you are able to get away. If the distance isn't too great, visit for less days. Good luck.

Yes, we were. Next year it's an Air BNB.

Anonymous wrote:Were you staying in the same house as your mother? For the future, go to a hotel or air B&B for your family, so you are able to get away. If the distance isn't too great, visit for less days. Good luck.

Great advice and what I do

Were you staying in the same house as your mother? For the future, go to a hotel or air B&B for your family, so you are able to get away. If the distance isn't too great, visit for less days. Good luck.

Moving the place won't change the mom. How about spending the holidays with just your family no parents, no in laws?

We do that now and are much happier. Such a peaceful holiday instead of the stress, dread and drama narcissistic's parents bring. Life is just too short for all that anymore.

Right there with you. I’ve been telling DH and the kids we are doing our own Christmas next year in a warm, sunny place. If my mom yelled at my kid, I would have left and not felt any guilt about it.

Good for you, OP. I admire your ability to maintain a connection with your mom while also recognizing that she wounded you and that you need to be vigilant about boundaries for yourself and your family. It’s a tough tightrope to walk. Xo

Anonymous wrote:

....my well-intentioned but narcissistic mom...

I can't get over this phrase. A narcissist is not 'well intentioned'.

What you describe is unacceptable and why I have rigid boundaries. I had no choice but to endure that behavior while growing up. I will not allow my kids to be subjected to it now that I've got a choice.

So, I would describe my mother as number four in this article:
https://psychcentral.com/health/types-of-narcissism

A communal narcissist.

And, this year is the first year she's yelled at my kids. She's getting older and is starting to decline a bit mentally. She has mild cognitive impairment. Not dementia, but definitely less self control than before.

To me, while she definitely fits the definition of being a narcissist, she's not an evil person. She's incredibly socially clueless, embarrassing and was indeed the opposite of empathetic to me as a child. But she's not evil.

For me, it takes setting major boundaries to make visits work. It's just become clear that she's simply not able to host, both because she's older and lacks self control, and because she just can't handle having a young kid around.

I hear you guys that going no-contact has been your best choice. I don't think it's mine at this time. I love my mom and know that she loves me. She tries her best and is not a bad person, but her best isn't good enough, and never was.

For me, trying to provide the support I can to my mother is also about showing my kids that even if our parents are deeply imperfect, we take care of them as they age. My kids may (probably will), some day, decide that I have deeply wounded them. I know I'm not perfect even as I do my best. The same is true of my mom, even if her imperfect is perhaps more intense and even worse than many others'.

Like I said, we'll stay elsewhere next year.

Anonymous wrote:I'm in that familiar place again.

Just made it home after visiting my well-intentioned but narcissistic mom over the holidays. She ended up yelling at me and (more concerningly) my daughter when we stayed with them. She's old and cranky and not very flexible.

It happens every year.

I'm thinking we'll switch to staying elsewhere next year. Maybe host the whole family at a rental home?

Anyone else feeling the after-effects of complicated family relationships rehashed once again at the most stressful time of the year, with your kids as the audience?

Why would you put your kid in that situation? It’s like you see the huge pothole in the familiar road ahead of you, and you drive right into it every time rather than swerving around it. You wonder why you get a flat tire every time you drive down that road.

Have you considered taking a different road altogether? 🤔

....my well-intentioned but narcissistic mom...

I can't get over this phrase. A narcissist is not 'well intentioned'.

What you describe is unacceptable and why I have rigid boundaries. I had no choice but to endure that behavior while growing up. I will not allow my kids to be subjected to it now that I've got a choice.

I cut my narc mom off a couple years ago. Too much pain and didn’t want my children involved in dealing with her.

I'm in that familiar place again.

Just made it home after visiting my well-intentioned but narcissistic mom over the holidays. She ended up yelling at me and (more concerningly) my daughter when we stayed with them. She's old and cranky and not very flexible.

It happens every year.

I'm thinking we'll switch to staying elsewhere next year. Maybe host the whole family at a rental home?

Anyone else feeling the after-effects of complicated family relationships rehashed once again at the most stressful time of the year, with your kids as the audience?