Reply to Everyone talks about female dominated families but what about male dominated families?

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[quote=Anonymous]My husband is from a male dominated family and it's super dysfunctional. But a lot of that has to do with the fact that his mom was really authoritarian, rigid, and demanding, and his mom is a very weak person. Just a total doormat. My DH went to college far away and got socialized, but his dad and brother didn't and they both treat his mom like crap. Also BIL never married which makes it all worse because no improving influence on BIL plus he relies on MIL for everything in an extremely unhealthy, codependent way (I cannot count the number of times I've been talking to her on the phone and she's had to hustle off because she "needs" to go make a meal for BIL like some 1950s housewife -- he is 49 years old and not mentally or physically disabled, he's just a lazy, entitled, a$$hole).

Things did get mildly better when my FIL passed (forgive me for saying that, I mourned his death but it is just the truth) and MIL has become better about vocalizing her needs. I try to force the issue as much as I can. There's this dynamic sometimes where MIL will express a need or preference, but in a very weak way (like she'll say "I wonder if it would make sense to eat inside..." and kind of trail off) and then BIL and even DH will just proceed as though she said nothing and do what they want. I'll stop and say "Wait, your mom just expressed and interest in eating inside. Would you rather eat in side, MIL?" And just kind of make people listen to her. I like to think this also helps her to speak up more, just having someone who pays attention to what she says and makes an effort to listen and give a $hit, but I think when we aren't there, BIL just rolls right over her like he always has.

It's all just extremely dysfunctional and frustrating to be around. I have an authoritarian dad too, who like my FIL is also a real misogynist, but I don't know, I guess I always had fight in me because I've been pushing back against his BS since I was a kid. I got him to stop hitting my little brother when I was 12 years old, just by calling him out on it. Sometimes I think one of the reasons I ended up with DH was some cosmic effort to introduce some confident feminine energy into that family and rebalance the scales a little bit.

I'm not a gifts and birthday card and holiday person though. I know a lot of women do that stuff for their families. I've learned to do it for my kid but no way am I taking that on for his whole family. I make sure MIL gets thoughtful gifts for her birthday and Christmas and Mother's Day because if I don't my DH will forget or do something lame, but I let DH figure out what to do for his BIL and I don't organize/host holidays. Just not my thing, I'm not religious so I prefer to make most holidays a little smaller and more chill anyway.[/quote]

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