Reply to Desperate plea for help with my 4 year old DD

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[quote=Anonymous]I have posted about my DD several times before, so some of this may sound familiar.  But I am at the bottom of the barrel of ideas, so I am on here shamelessly begging for help.

4 years ago my sweet perfect first child was born.  She was a dream baby in every way, sleeping well, nursing well, so happy all the time.  As she grew into a toddler it was clear she had opinions of her own, but still super sweet and easy going, fun loving.  Around 2.5 years old, her opinions really starting digging in.  Most noteably, we starting having major issues with what she would/would not wear.  Through all of this, we did the "right" things.  Ignoring tantrums, not engaging, redirecting her (very rare) misbehaviors.  When she was 3 her sister was born and we braced ourselves.  But the first 9 months were almost completely problem free.  We thought we'd dodged the bullet.

At 3.5 she dropped her nap for good, but still slept well at night and a few months before her 4th birthday, she started sleeping a lot less at night (9.5-10 hours instead of 11 or 12.) and around the same time her sister turned 1, started walking and having opinions of her own.

Around that time, my older DD took a left turn and became this miserable uncooperative being.  I would stand in front of a moving train for this child, but I literally do not like being around her.  She makes life completely miserable for her dad, her little sister and me. Her most common statements are "I don't want to!!" or "I hate that!" She never wants the baby in her room for even a second and will literally slam the door in her face.  She doesn't want to share anything ever, in fact doesn't even want her sister to LOOK at her sometimes.

She is completely uncooperative with: getting dressed, going to the potty when it wasn't her idea (ie: if its bedtime or we're leaving the house), getting undressed, getting in carseat, getting on sunscreen, picking up toys, coming to the meal table.

She has moments of seeming good moods where she is sweet to us and her sister, but they are short-lived and certainly on her terms.  The whole family walks on eggshells constantly.  There is no such thing as a good day - a good couple hours maybe, but never a whole day.  Every day brings angry yelling fits AND inconsolable crying meltdowns.  She just cannot cope with the daily tasks of life or any sort of disappointment whatsoever.  Despite all of this, she is a sweet child who is an angel at school and around most other people (except her closest relatives like my mom and my sister).  She has lots of friends and lots of fun...just not with her immediate family.

Despite what many of you are thinking, we are not bad parents!! We are not permissive, nor are we "yellers" (not saying we've never raised our voices, but as a general rule we remain calm.)  We have rules that are consistently enforced, usually at a great cost to ourselves and the peace of the rest of the family.  All of the books and experts reassure us that we simply need to be consistent and follow through and we DO! It doesn't make any difference.

I have earnestly read & tried:'

1-2-3 magic
Raising your spirited child
Setting Limits with your strong willed child
The Explosive Child
Positive Discipline

I honestly haven't seen any measurable difference with any of these.  Most recently, we took her for an evaluation at a behavioral specialist and are awaiting the results/recommendations.  But I'm not confident they are going to have any answers.  Their evaluation was mostly based on IQ and social awareness, plus a long behavior questionnaire that I filled out.  Everything seems geared toward either ASD or ADD/ADHD and I don't thin any of those things are our problem.  I'm not sticking my head in the sand - I KNOW there is a real problem, I just don't think its one of those common catch-alls.

I don't know where to turn next!  A "parenting expert"? Something like PEP? (although that is based on the positive discipline book which I've already read and tried) Someone to come into our house on a 1-on-1 basis?

I am miserable every single morning when I wake up.  Its affecting my marriage and my relationship with both of my children.  I'm concerned about my younger child, and also TERRIFIED that whatever this is going to "stick" with my older child and she will never be truly happy and as a result will make us all miserable forever.  I know that sounds super doom and gloom, but its the kind of stuff that runs through my head when I can't fall asleep at night.

Sorry for the novel...I'm just so desperate and don't know where to turn![/quote]

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