Reply to Women seem to despise even hypothetical In-laws

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think people should walk into in-law relationships with a positive attitude. In my family, in-law relationships are anything but toxic. Were my grandparents perfect? No, but my mother had a wonderful relationship with my dad's parents and my father treated my mom's parents with the same respect he treated his parents. They modeled what an in-law relationship should look like so when I got married, I expected to have the same type of relationship. And I do--my ILs are awesome. My MIL is one of the best people I know and I think of her as my second mom.

Maybe I'm just extremely lucky but in my family, there is no such thing as an in-law. Once you marry in, you are family. Period. [/quote]

Same in my family, not so much in DH's family.  NP here.  Mom and dad are called mom and dad, by those who marry in, for example. Yes, we know you have a mom and dad, we aren't looking to replace or judge you, but we want you to know you are one of us.

DH's family fawns publicly over people they are not so close to, while bad mouthing certain "chosen" ones, who have very little relationship with them (because of the badmouthing, of course). So it can be a vicious circle.  In short, DH's family does not like anyone who they consider to be different than them - not at all how I grew up, with a huge extended family, close, involved, warm and welcoming.  In DHs family, being different than them is a personal affront (because it is all about them). My family is "the more the merrier" types, while DH's family can be terribly judgy - they need someone to target and judge (it used to be DH, growing up, sadly - but DH is better off for it, thankfully).

If you invite a friend along (example: holiday dinner at my house), DHs family usually will not warm up to them or exchange too many pleasantries. In my family, we are more open and accepting. So, it can be difficult, unless you drop the rope (per PP). I basically do what I want, because either way, I will be judged (usually harshly). [/quote]

Again, good anecdotes but not helpful.[/quote]

Point taken, but sometimes ILs can "present" as normal, and be far from normal, or there is a sordid and/or abusive and/or manipulative history (that they are not about to volunteer to you) is the issue.  Most times, people are on their best behaviors, and after a while, they get more comfortable, and you find out you didn't really marry into a kind family, after all - especially if they play favorites, or have personality disorders ("splitting", being just one example. Paired with narcissism = good times).

OP, all you can do is be kind and open. I guess my post represents an example of what not to do, which is often more helpful than knowing what to do. [/quote]

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