Anonymous
Post 07/28/2023 10:56     Subject: Women seem to despise even hypothetical In-laws
Anonymous wrote:Historically most in-law relationships have been tense, toxic and traumatic. This conditioned women to despise the idea of having to deal with any. What advice would you give young women to establish good relations without compromising their own interests?


OP, I do think that there are some people who marry into toxic families, and unless you are a professional therapist, you have no way of knowing what ramifications that might bring. Sometimes, if you have a pleasant upbringing, or maybe had a long term relationship with someone with kind, involved, healthy, loving parents - you expect others to have the same. It can be really eye opening to walk into a toxic situation. Toxic people seem very good/experienced at hiding their foibles for a while, until they can't, I suppose.

If the in laws are important to you, then be sure to scrutinize them when dating. If the in laws really don't matter to you (you don't marry them - some people think you do - but I do not), then spend more time building your nuclear family in a healthy way.

I guess this is another way of saying what PP said - have boundaries, and make sure your DH enforces them. If your in laws are self important/self centered, narcissistic bullies, this doesn't always work.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2023 10:13     Subject: Re:Women seem to despise even hypothetical In-laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think people should walk into in-law relationships with a positive attitude. In my family, in-law relationships are anything but toxic. Were my grandparents perfect? No, but my mother had a wonderful relationship with my dad's parents and my father treated my mom's parents with the same respect he treated his parents. They modeled what an in-law relationship should look like so when I got married, I expected to have the same type of relationship. And I do--my ILs are awesome. My MIL is one of the best people I know and I think of her as my second mom.

Maybe I'm just extremely lucky but in my family, there is no such thing as an in-law. Once you marry in, you are family. Period.


Good anecdotes but didn't add to the topic.


No, we are talking about hypothetical in-laws here, not someone who is trying to deal with an actual situation. The OPs point is that women are conditioned to dread ILs even before they are married because of the way that the relationship is portrayed in society and the media (especially here on DCUM). My "addition" is that this perception is simply false for many families and in reality, it's not always a bad relationship if you just walk into it with an open mind. That is not to say that all IL relationships are like my family but you don't walk into marriage thinking you are going to get a divorce--why walk into a family thinking it will be awful. It might not be but many single women who are in hypothetical marriages automatically have this perception because of society, not actual experience.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2023 10:12     Subject: Women seem to despise even hypothetical In-laws
Choose your spouse carefully. Do they have a healthy relationship with their family? Do they know it's prudent to have boundaries and that once you marry, your immediate family comes first? Can they say no to their family of origin if need be?

Choosing a spouse is not just about romance, it's also practical concerns. Their familial relationship should say a lot of their personality.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2023 10:00     Subject: Re:Women seem to despise even hypothetical In-laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think people should walk into in-law relationships with a positive attitude. In my family, in-law relationships are anything but toxic. Were my grandparents perfect? No, but my mother had a wonderful relationship with my dad's parents and my father treated my mom's parents with the same respect he treated his parents. They modeled what an in-law relationship should look like so when I got married, I expected to have the same type of relationship. And I do--my ILs are awesome. My MIL is one of the best people I know and I think of her as my second mom.

Maybe I'm just extremely lucky but in my family, there is no such thing as an in-law. Once you marry in, you are family. Period.


Same in my family, not so much in DH's family. NP here. Mom and dad are called mom and dad, by those who marry in, for example. Yes, we know you have a mom and dad, we aren't looking to replace or judge you, but we want you to know you are one of us.

DH's family fawns publicly over people they are not so close to, while bad mouthing certain "chosen" ones, who have very little relationship with them (because of the badmouthing, of course). So it can be a vicious circle. In short, DH's family does not like anyone who they consider to be different than them - not at all how I grew up, with a huge extended family, close, involved, warm and welcoming. In DHs family, being different than them is a personal affront (because it is all about them). My family is "the more the merrier" types, while DH's family can be terribly judgy - they need someone to target and judge (it used to be DH, growing up, sadly - but DH is better off for it, thankfully).

If you invite a friend along (example: holiday dinner at my house), DHs family usually will not warm up to them or exchange too many pleasantries. In my family, we are more open and accepting. So, it can be difficult, unless you drop the rope (per PP). I basically do what I want, because either way, I will be judged (usually harshly).


Again, good anecdotes but not helpful.


Point taken, but sometimes ILs can "present" as normal, and be far from normal, or there is a sordid and/or abusive and/or manipulative history (that they are not about to volunteer to you) is the issue. Most times, people are on their best behaviors, and after a while, they get more comfortable, and you find out you didn't really marry into a kind family, after all - especially if they play favorites, or have personality disorders ("splitting", being just one example. Paired with narcissism = good times).

OP, all you can do is be kind and open. I guess my post represents an example of what not to do, which is often more helpful than knowing what to do.


To add, some families really are toxic. Some are chaotic (social) and not toxic, or can be very inward and mean. I think as long as the person marrying in realizes that not all families are good, then that is what you need to know. Do your best, but not all families are good.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2023 09:58     Subject: Re:Women seem to despise even hypothetical In-laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think people should walk into in-law relationships with a positive attitude. In my family, in-law relationships are anything but toxic. Were my grandparents perfect? No, but my mother had a wonderful relationship with my dad's parents and my father treated my mom's parents with the same respect he treated his parents. They modeled what an in-law relationship should look like so when I got married, I expected to have the same type of relationship. And I do--my ILs are awesome. My MIL is one of the best people I know and I think of her as my second mom.

Maybe I'm just extremely lucky but in my family, there is no such thing as an in-law. Once you marry in, you are family. Period.


Same in my family, not so much in DH's family. NP here. Mom and dad are called mom and dad, by those who marry in, for example. Yes, we know you have a mom and dad, we aren't looking to replace or judge you, but we want you to know you are one of us.

DH's family fawns publicly over people they are not so close to, while bad mouthing certain "chosen" ones, who have very little relationship with them (because of the badmouthing, of course). So it can be a vicious circle. In short, DH's family does not like anyone who they consider to be different than them - not at all how I grew up, with a huge extended family, close, involved, warm and welcoming. In DHs family, being different than them is a personal affront (because it is all about them). My family is "the more the merrier" types, while DH's family can be terribly judgy - they need someone to target and judge (it used to be DH, growing up, sadly - but DH is better off for it, thankfully).

If you invite a friend along (example: holiday dinner at my house), DHs family usually will not warm up to them or exchange too many pleasantries. In my family, we are more open and accepting. So, it can be difficult, unless you drop the rope (per PP). I basically do what I want, because either way, I will be judged (usually harshly).


Again, good anecdotes but not helpful.


Point taken, but sometimes ILs can "present" as normal, and be far from normal, or there is a sordid and/or abusive and/or manipulative history (that they are not about to volunteer to you) is the issue. Most times, people are on their best behaviors, and after a while, they get more comfortable, and you find out you didn't really marry into a kind family, after all - especially if they play favorites, or have personality disorders ("splitting", being just one example. Paired with narcissism = good times).

OP, all you can do is be kind and open. I guess my post represents an example of what not to do, which is often more helpful than knowing what to do.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2023 09:46     Subject: Re:Women seem to despise even hypothetical In-laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think people should walk into in-law relationships with a positive attitude. In my family, in-law relationships are anything but toxic. Were my grandparents perfect? No, but my mother had a wonderful relationship with my dad's parents and my father treated my mom's parents with the same respect he treated his parents. They modeled what an in-law relationship should look like so when I got married, I expected to have the same type of relationship. And I do--my ILs are awesome. My MIL is one of the best people I know and I think of her as my second mom.

Maybe I'm just extremely lucky but in my family, there is no such thing as an in-law. Once you marry in, you are family. Period.


Same in my family, not so much in DH's family. NP here. Mom and dad are called mom and dad, by those who marry in, for example. Yes, we know you have a mom and dad, we aren't looking to replace or judge you, but we want you to know you are one of us.

DH's family fawns publicly over people they are not so close to, while bad mouthing certain "chosen" ones, who have very little relationship with them (because of the badmouthing, of course). So it can be a vicious circle. In short, DH's family does not like anyone who they consider to be different than them - not at all how I grew up, with a huge extended family, close, involved, warm and welcoming. In DHs family, being different than them is a personal affront (because it is all about them). My family is "the more the merrier" types, while DH's family can be terribly judgy - they need someone to target and judge (it used to be DH, growing up, sadly - but DH is better off for it, thankfully).

If you invite a friend along (example: holiday dinner at my house), DHs family usually will not warm up to them or exchange too many pleasantries. In my family, we are more open and accepting. So, it can be difficult, unless you drop the rope (per PP). I basically do what I want, because either way, I will be judged (usually harshly).


Again, good anecdotes but not helpful.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2023 09:44     Subject: Re:Women seem to despise even hypothetical In-laws
Anonymous wrote:I think people should walk into in-law relationships with a positive attitude. In my family, in-law relationships are anything but toxic. Were my grandparents perfect? No, but my mother had a wonderful relationship with my dad's parents and my father treated my mom's parents with the same respect he treated his parents. They modeled what an in-law relationship should look like so when I got married, I expected to have the same type of relationship. And I do--my ILs are awesome. My MIL is one of the best people I know and I think of her as my second mom.

Maybe I'm just extremely lucky but in my family, there is no such thing as an in-law. Once you marry in, you are family. Period.


Good anecdotes but didn't add to the topic.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2023 09:43     Subject: Women seem to despise even hypothetical In-laws
Anonymous wrote:Historically most in-law relationships have been tense, toxic and traumatic. This conditioned women to despise the idea of having to deal with any. What advice would you give young women to establish good relations without compromising their own interests?


Be a decent person.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2023 09:43     Subject: Re:Women seem to despise even hypothetical In-laws
Anonymous wrote:I think people should walk into in-law relationships with a positive attitude. In my family, in-law relationships are anything but toxic. Were my grandparents perfect? No, but my mother had a wonderful relationship with my dad's parents and my father treated my mom's parents with the same respect he treated his parents. They modeled what an in-law relationship should look like so when I got married, I expected to have the same type of relationship. And I do--my ILs are awesome. My MIL is one of the best people I know and I think of her as my second mom.

Maybe I'm just extremely lucky but in my family, there is no such thing as an in-law. Once you marry in, you are family. Period.


Same in my family, not so much in DH's family. NP here. Mom and dad are called mom and dad, by those who marry in, for example. Yes, we know you have a mom and dad, we aren't looking to replace or judge you, but we want you to know you are one of us.

DH's family fawns publicly over people they are not so close to, while bad mouthing certain "chosen" ones, who have very little relationship with them (because of the badmouthing, of course). So it can be a vicious circle. In short, DH's family does not like anyone who they consider to be different than them - not at all how I grew up, with a huge extended family, close, involved, warm and welcoming. In DHs family, being different than them is a personal affront (because it is all about them). My family is "the more the merrier" types, while DH's family can be terribly judgy - they need someone to target and judge (it used to be DH, growing up, sadly - but DH is better off for it, thankfully).

If you invite a friend along (example: holiday dinner at my house), DHs family usually will not warm up to them or exchange too many pleasantries. In my family, we are more open and accepting. So, it can be difficult, unless you drop the rope (per PP). I basically do what I want, because either way, I will be judged (usually harshly).
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2023 09:35     Subject: Women seem to despise even hypothetical In-laws
Honestly, I checked out my future in-laws while dating. If they were toxic or crazy, I wouldn’t have agreed to marry my DH.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2023 09:33     Subject: Re:Women seem to despise even hypothetical In-laws
I think people should walk into in-law relationships with a positive attitude. In my family, in-law relationships are anything but toxic. Were my grandparents perfect? No, but my mother had a wonderful relationship with my dad's parents and my father treated my mom's parents with the same respect he treated his parents. They modeled what an in-law relationship should look like so when I got married, I expected to have the same type of relationship. And I do--my ILs are awesome. My MIL is one of the best people I know and I think of her as my second mom.

Maybe I'm just extremely lucky but in my family, there is no such thing as an in-law. Once you marry in, you are family. Period.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2023 09:26     Subject: Women seem to despise even hypothetical In-laws
Anonymous wrote:Don’t ever pick up the rope.


+1

Your DH is an adult.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2023 09:24     Subject: Women seem to despise even hypothetical In-laws
Don’t ever pick up the rope.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2023 08:47     Subject: Women seem to despise even hypothetical In-laws
Be flexible. Don't sweat the small stuff. Remember nobody is perfect. Have real conversations.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2023 08:43     Subject: Women seem to despise even hypothetical In-laws
Historically most in-law relationships have been tense, toxic and traumatic. This conditioned women to despise the idea of having to deal with any. What advice would you give young women to establish good relations without compromising their own interests?