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[quote=Anonymous]Those ages are so hard, so please take this bit of advice knowing it is from someone who struggles too, not someone who does it all perfectly.

Stop thinking in terms of “he can’t but won’t”
do things for himself.  Mentally react to his tantrums as though they are signaling that there is something about the task that is too challenging or unpleasant.  Ignore the impulse to see his resistance as bad or stubborn behavior.  Think, “For some unknown reason, he needs my support and that’s ok.”  Scaffold the task he is resisting to move him toward independence.  Like—If he is perfectly capable of getting dressed but isn’t doing it, set out his clothes and help him put on everything but the shirt.  Say that you are going to pop out of the room real quick and you want him to put on his shirt before you get back.  Be playful.  Praise him when he does it.  Gradually start adding, daily or week by week, how much he does for himself, without making a big deal about it.  Pick the things you really want him to be more independent with and work on those but don’t make a big deal about others.  Very gradually increase what he is doing independently.

Also, I’d look at the role of choice and control in getting him to be more cooperative.  Does he have to get dressed in his room? What if he could dress in the living room?  That’s just a random example, but since you’re said DH has said you are rigid, I’d reflect on the possibility.

I’ve fostered lots of kids who regress and aren’t doing things a child of their age should be able to do.  Scaffolding works better than putting your foot down and demanding.

Finally, I get the logic of people telling you to take a break or get help.  That might be part of it, but if your parenting skills and the way you are framing and addressing things aren’t working, no amount of breaks or massages is going to really help.  Give yourself some love, but also really think about your parenting strategies.  Good luck!![/quote]

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