Those ages are so hard, so please take this bit of advice knowing it is from someone who struggles too, not someone who does it all perfectly.

Stop thinking in terms of “he can’t but won’t”
do things for himself. Mentally react to his tantrums as though they are signaling that there is something about the task that is too challenging or unpleasant. Ignore the impulse to see his resistance as bad or stubborn behavior. Think, “For some unknown reason, he needs my support and that’s ok.” Scaffold the task he is resisting to move him toward independence. Like—If he is perfectly capable of getting dressed but isn’t doing it, set out his clothes and help him put on everything but the shirt. Say that you are going to pop out of the room real quick and you want him to put on his shirt before you get back. Be playful. Praise him when he does it. Gradually start adding, daily or week by week, how much he does for himself, without making a big deal about it. Pick the things you really want him to be more independent with and work on those but don’t make a big deal about others. Very gradually increase what he is doing independently.

Also, I’d look at the role of choice and control in getting him to be more cooperative. Does he have to get dressed in his room? What if he could dress in the living room? That’s just a random example, but since you’re said DH has said you are rigid, I’d reflect on the possibility.

I’ve fostered lots of kids who regress and aren’t doing things a child of their age should be able to do. Scaffolding works better than putting your foot down and demanding.

Finally, I get the logic of people telling you to take a break or get help. That might be part of it, but if your parenting skills and the way you are framing and addressing things aren’t working, no amount of breaks or massages is going to really help. Give yourself some love, but also really think about your parenting strategies. Good luck!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The 6 year old can certainly do things on his own so can the 3 year old. I don't know what their extra needs are but my kids and many friends kids at this age could do things. Getting dressed, getting backpacks together, bringing down laundry etc etc. Getting water, for oneself and the little sibling. Private time in the house with the kids around and awake is impossible for most. Once a week i don't come home from work and work out/shop and have dinner on my own with DH doing everything pickup/bedtime.
It is really hard and takes a lot of effort getting them to be independent but the work is worth it.

Oh he's totally capable. He just refuses and has major tantrums. We lose SO MUCH TIME to these tantrums. I try to stay boundaries but DP and my parents and SIL tell me I'm too rigid and need to lighten up. It's infuriating.

Oh thats really hard. Im sorry. I get it. It does get better with age and good routine if thats possible and a few non negotiables. What does your DP say you should do? Just continue to service every need for a 6 year old? Parenting is really hard at all ages and kids push parents buttons differently. Not finding joy in every second is totally ok. There are days that we have a moment or two of awesome and the test is daily grind crud of keeping them alive and moving forward. Mine are 4 and 7.

OP here. I appreciate your solidarity. I'm glad someone else can say out loud that some days are mostly crap and a little good.

DP means well but doesn't realize they're undermining me when I'm trying to stay firm and they're saying I should let up, in front of the kid. It hurts.

Welcome. I suggest going to a PEP class or reading some books and see what philosophies jive with you both. You need to be on the same parenting page. I and DH believe that kids do well with firm boundaries that are known with a lot of things permissible within. Your kid is young but is clearly attuned to playing the both of you to get what they want. Kids want lots of things but they dont need to be catered to for everything. Good luck.

OP how much is he sleeping at night? Should be at least 11 hours, lights out by 7:30/8pm at the very latest.

Idk, “lighten up” while sounding mildly offensive is actually good parenting advice. I’m much more ‘go with the flow, s*** happens’ (in regards to parenting) than my spouse and only one of us has anxiety issues. Also your kids need to learn independence and it sounds like you give in to their whining.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you work? Can you afford a babysitter? Maybe you just need a break?

I'm embarrassed to say that I do work, my kids are in preschool or school 9-4 every day and I still feel this way.

And how many hours are they asleep each night as well?

Are they both boys? I know it isn't PC to say, but unless you get really really lucky, parenting young boys is more of grind than young girls. Or maybe there are fewer redeeming moments.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you work? Can you afford a babysitter? Maybe you just need a break?

I'm embarrassed to say that I do work, my kids are in preschool or school 9-4 every day and I still feel this way.

Why are you embarrassed? I have two young kids and a full time job and feel the same way. It’s hard doing it all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The 6 year old can certainly do things on his own so can the 3 year old. I don't know what their extra needs are but my kids and many friends kids at this age could do things. Getting dressed, getting backpacks together, bringing down laundry etc etc. Getting water, for oneself and the little sibling. Private time in the house with the kids around and awake is impossible for most. Once a week i don't come home from work and work out/shop and have dinner on my own with DH doing everything pickup/bedtime.
It is really hard and takes a lot of effort getting them to be independent but the work is worth it.

Oh he's totally capable. He just refuses and has major tantrums. We lose SO MUCH TIME to these tantrums. I try to stay boundaries but DP and my parents and SIL tell me I'm too rigid and need to lighten up. It's infuriating.

Oh thats really hard. Im sorry. I get it. It does get better with age and good routine if thats possible and a few non negotiables. What does your DP say you should do? Just continue to service every need for a 6 year old? Parenting is really hard at all ages and kids push parents buttons differently. Not finding joy in every second is totally ok. There are days that we have a moment or two of awesome and the test is daily grind crud of keeping them alive and moving forward. Mine are 4 and 7.

OP here. I appreciate your solidarity. I'm glad someone else can say out loud that some days are mostly crap and a little good.

DP means well but doesn't realize they're undermining me when I'm trying to stay firm and they're saying I should let up, in front of the kid. It hurts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The 6 year old can certainly do things on his own so can the 3 year old. I don't know what their extra needs are but my kids and many friends kids at this age could do things. Getting dressed, getting backpacks together, bringing down laundry etc etc. Getting water, for oneself and the little sibling. Private time in the house with the kids around and awake is impossible for most. Once a week i don't come home from work and work out/shop and have dinner on my own with DH doing everything pickup/bedtime.
It is really hard and takes a lot of effort getting them to be independent but the work is worth it.

Oh he's totally capable. He just refuses and has major tantrums. We lose SO MUCH TIME to these tantrums. I try to stay boundaries but DP and my parents and SIL tell me I'm too rigid and need to lighten up. It's infuriating.

Oh thats really hard. Im sorry. I get it. It does get better with age and good routine if thats possible and a few non negotiables. What does your DP say you should do? Just continue to service every need for a 6 year old? Parenting is really hard at all ages and kids push parents buttons differently. Not finding joy in every second is totally ok. There are days that we have a moment or two of awesome and the test is daily grind crud of keeping them alive and moving forward. Mine are 4 and 7.

Anonymous wrote:Do you work? Can you afford a babysitter? Maybe you just need a break?

I'm embarrassed to say that I do work, my kids are in preschool or school 9-4 every day and I still feel this way.

Anonymous wrote:The 6 year old can certainly do things on his own so can the 3 year old. I don't know what their extra needs are but my kids and many friends kids at this age could do things. Getting dressed, getting backpacks together, bringing down laundry etc etc. Getting water, for oneself and the little sibling. Private time in the house with the kids around and awake is impossible for most. Once a week i don't come home from work and work out/shop and have dinner on my own with DH doing everything pickup/bedtime.
It is really hard and takes a lot of effort getting them to be independent but the work is worth it.

Oh he's totally capable. He just refuses and has major tantrums. We lose SO MUCH TIME to these tantrums. I try to stay boundaries but DP and my parents and SIL tell me I'm too rigid and need to lighten up. It's infuriating.

Do you work? Can you afford a babysitter? Maybe you just need a break?

The 6 year old can certainly do things on his own so can the 3 year old. I don't know what their extra needs are but my kids and many friends kids at this age could do things. Getting dressed, getting backpacks together, bringing down laundry etc etc. Getting water, for oneself and the little sibling. Private time in the house with the kids around and awake is impossible for most. Once a week i don't come home from work and work out/shop and have dinner on my own with DH doing everything pickup/bedtime.
It is really hard and takes a lot of effort getting them to be independent but the work is worth it.

OP again. Adding that I know my 6yo feels my frustration and that kills me because I want him to have a better life than I did as a kid. I feel like I'm doing it all wrong and hurting them with my attitude but at the same time I have so little hope for change.

I have 2 kids, 3 and 6. I love them deeply but parenting them is breaking me. They both have some extra needs but mostly it's the constant whining and crying and inflexibility and needing to do everything for them every second of every day that is making me lose my sh*t. Their ages make them dependent, I get it. But also my 6yo is so stubborn about being "alone" that he fights doing basic things on his own, like get his school clothes. They interrupt all my private time. DP is extremely involved so it's not like I'm doing it all on my own. They feel the same way.

I feel like I am forcing myself to enjoy something I wanted so desperately. I have a therapist and I've tried multiple antidepressants. It feels wrong that I have to medicate myself to enjoy my kids. When they're not here, I'm fine. I don't know what else to do.