Reply to Anyone else scapegoat child of narcissitic parent w/golden child uninterested in care?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Wow, we should meet for coffee. I could have written half of this or more. Are there really NAMI groups for children of those with personality disorders? Anyone have a link.

I agree to an extent with the poster who said Golden Children are victims too, but some get help and want to break the cycle and some join in the abuse. My GC sibling joined in the abuse and will absolutely inherit far more doing far less.

Honestly, my life got so crazy I was going to lose it if I didn't set boundaries and do some rope dropping. I had to detach and distance. didn't go over well, but I had my own health crisis so it was easier to do as literal survival.

We do have a geriatric social worker involved though and mom pays for it. She hooted, hollered, tantrummed and told me I was a selfish Biotch, but eventually she agreed to it because she wants to live as long as possible and have the best care.

I do think some are already taking advantage, but nothing criminal. Mom would never go to therapy. Instead her housekeeper, gardener, hairdresser and accountant are her "yes" people, BFFs and "therapists" in her mind. I am always hearing about she paid the housekeeper to have tea with her and listen to her vent about us or she paid the accountant to listen to her discuss for the 176th time if she needs to re-do her will and cut me out. She's getting a bargain with the housekeeper, hairdresser and gardener listening to her vent, but with the amount her accountant charges, the accountant will probably buy herself a new car just from charging a fortune to kiss up to my mom rather than just referring her to a therapist.[/quote]

I will try to find the NAMI link a friend sent, it looked real.

Your post is so funny, my brother says the same thing about the cleaning lady, gardner, hairdresser, etc being paid to socialize. And she DOES vent about us, one provider recently said that I'm so nice and helpful, nothing like what my mother described, lol. Since then they all swarm me with info on things that need to happen and since I can't execute any of it, I've been feeling overwhelmed.

I wish my brother would get help. He still says he would have had a happy childhood but for me but that could not have been true with such ill parents and twisted dynamics. He drinks, like them, and has poor relationships with his kids, it makes me sad. I try to keep in touch with them but having always heard me devalued, they are not all that interested. He's been married several times and that has been hard on them too.

When my mom was recently hospitalized and then discharged to rehab, she treated the staff like she treats me and my brother's wife. They sent the psychiatrist in regularly. Alas he thought medicating was too risky in light of everything with other heatlh conditions. If the anxiety was lower I think it might help the lashing out, I dunno. They all commented on how quickly her moods changed and would joke about her yelling at us on the phone and them being able to hear it from the nurses station. It was nice to have others see the reality. I brought them cookies pretty often, they were a little buffer and bit of normal and I appreciated that.

How did you find the social worker? That is what is needed, I think. That was a genius idea. [/quote]

It makes such a difference when anyone acknowledges my mom is bat shit crazy. For so long I would gaslight myself and blame myself. I actually feel relief when I hear about doctors, contractors, etc firing her and telling her off because at least she is finally showing the dark side to someone other than me. It reminds me it's not me, it's HER! I laughed at your story because when mom was in the hospital or when dad was back in the day, they often got psychiatry involved because her behavior was so atrocious to staff and to my dad (may he rest on peace).

I found the social worker through my therapist at the time who worked with a lot of people with crazy elderly parents. The service itself was known to be good, but it wasn't this specific person she recommended. Mom only agreed to the least experienced and youngest person there who she handpicked because I think she felt she could charm, manipulate and boss around. Fine with me, because I made sure she used her own money-of which she has plenty. There are issues and in many ways it's not ideal, but mom is willing to let this woman in the door which is huge. Actually she is another one I should add to the list who I think mom pays for the kind of therapy she wants...someone listening and agreeing with her, but I do think this woman can get her to do things like agree with PT. The thing is, this woman is trained to assess things and she can be objective. One of my siblings had a ton of denial so it's helpful to have someone else saying what is going on with decline. Also, I feel like at least I can ensure mom is safe and will be able to be taken care appropriately. I resent all I have been through with her, but I still want to make sure she is safe and getting the appropriate care.

You could probably find a good geriatric social worker through her neurology office (if she has one) or through any neuro office that works with elderly. Try Council on Aging as well and even just try out ones in the area. It doesn't need to be perfect. You just need someone who can get in there, connect with her, assess her needs and find contractors as needed (aides, etc). My friend's mother would not open the door for anyone, so just find someone who can charm mom enough to get in there!

I will tell you some distance has been a bit healing. I feel completely crazy when I deal with her, but seeing her less, I feel like myself. I can see how mentally ill she is and I am realizing this was all always there, it just got worse with age. I sleep better and am no longer consumed with self-hatred. A lot of my negative inner voice was just quoting her! Also, I set a big boundary with her that I do not want to hear about her money every again-she can do what she wants, but I will no longer listen to threats to cut me out, guilt trips over free college and grad school, why she's giving GC more or it all, and whatever else. [/quote]

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