Reply to Anyone else scapegoat child of narcissitic parent w/golden child uninterested in care?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The golden child in our family persuaded our widowed mother to change my parents' will and cut out the rest of the siblings "because we were set for life". I have an adult severely SN daughter who will never be independent. I would advise you to minimize your losses now and only do what you can without damaging your health and family finances. It is a very bitter pill to swallow after your parent passes. [/quote]

OP here - PP, I'm so sorry for your experience. I am glad I found out about the trust years ago as my parents talked about splitting things equally but in reality put him as sole trustee without any usual checks and balances. There is not even a second trustee named. So I had time to come to terms with that, but for wishing for a bit more of a cushion, if possible, for my SN child. If my mom goes through all of her money that's fine, I just kind of was sad that all the "fair" rhetoric about anything left was just more about how they were perceived than what would happen to me and that they knew it would be a shock. My brother is a lot older than his current wife, not the mother of any of his kids, so it will all likely go to her, not them. but whatever. He is pretty much estranged from his kids, which is really sad too.

I realized that after getting sucked back in I now have a lot of neighbors, friends of my mom, service providers, etc, bombarding me with info about what ideally should be done. Like alerts on bank accounts as she gets more confused. I don't have the power to make it happen, am rebuffed when I make suggestions, then am blamed when there is fallout of things that have nothing to do with me. Typing that out I see that there is not really a way to make that work except to step back and to have buffers so I am not seen as the go to by all of these other concerned people. All of their well meant advice is just driving my anxiety without a productive outlet. I am a planner by nature so not doing the things that are typically recommended and waiting for the next shoe to fall is really hard on many levels. And pathetic as it sounds, some little part of me wanted to feel valued, if not for myself than for what I do, or things going smoothly. But anything that is done is perceived as an insult somehow, that she is old, incompetent, etc.

I think not only stepping back but conveying that to people is a next step. I can see how they all flocked to me with my brother's disengagement. He is entitled to his boundaries. [/quote]

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