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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
OP - Have you had your Dad evaluated for medication to reduce his anxiety and more aggressive behaviors.  This is key to help him have less stress and to reduce the impact on your mother.  If your mother is able, does she go out to see friends or simply to do things she might still enjoy such as getting her hair done, going to the library to read in  peace and quiet,  Going to a church service.  If she might give this a try, maybe see if you could contact a close friend to 
Call and make arrangements and a gift certificate for two to lunch out (given to the friend who will pickup mom) will be a welcome gift for her.

The other aspect is that perhaps finding a paid companion to take your mom out once a week might help her mental outlook, too.  If she is able to drive, encourage her to join a senior group of some sort to keep up her social connections and a life balance. [/quote]

I agree that the only possibility for having your cake and eating it too (having your father tolerate the live-in aide) is to tweak his medication and hope it chills him out. You don't even have to tell him what it's for - they have no idea.

But your mother simply can't care for your father anymore. You said it yourself. And given her worsening condition - what if she has a dizzy spell and falls? Then she is in the hospital, and your father 100% is in a nursing facility because there is no one left to take care of him. So cut to the chase - find a suitable care facility for him. It will be either now or in a year or two. It's not like you're taking 10 good years of health and happiness from him. Maybe the reality of moving him to a nursing home will encourage your mother to convince him to accept the aide. 
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