Anonymous wrote:
OP - Have you had your Dad evaluated for medication to reduce his anxiety and more aggressive behaviors. This is key to help him have less stress and to reduce the impact on your mother. If your mother is able, does she go out to see friends or simply to do things she might still enjoy such as getting her hair done, going to the library to read in peace and quiet, Going to a church service. If she might give this a try, maybe see if you could contact a close friend to
Call and make arrangements and a gift certificate for two to lunch out (given to the friend who will pickup mom) will be a welcome gift for her.

The other aspect is that perhaps finding a paid companion to take your mom out once a week might help her mental outlook, too. If she is able to drive, encourage her to join a senior group of some sort to keep up her social connections and a life balance.

I agree that the only possibility for having your cake and eating it too (having your father tolerate the live-in aide) is to tweak his medication and hope it chills him out. You don't even have to tell him what it's for - they have no idea.

But your mother simply can't care for your father anymore. You said it yourself. And given her worsening condition - what if she has a dizzy spell and falls? Then she is in the hospital, and your father 100% is in a nursing facility because there is no one left to take care of him. So cut to the chase - find a suitable care facility for him. It will be either now or in a year or two. It's not like you're taking 10 good years of health and happiness from him. Maybe the reality of moving him to a nursing home will encourage your mother to convince him to accept the aide.

Anonymous wrote:
OP - Have you had your Dad evaluated for medication to reduce his anxiety and more aggressive behaviors. This is key to help him have less stress and to reduce the impact on your mother. If your mother is able, does she go out to see friends or simply to do things she might still enjoy such as getting her hair done, going to the library to read in peace and quiet, Going to a church service. If she might give this a try, maybe see if you could contact a close friend to
Call and make arrangements and a gift certificate for two to lunch out (given to the friend who will pickup mom) will be a welcome gift for her.

The other aspect is that perhaps finding a paid companion to take your mom out once a week might help her mental outlook, too. If she is able to drive, encourage her to join a senior group of some sort to keep up her social connections and a life balance.

Having lived this I can say IMO these are great suggestions early on before things get bad when you sense life is changing. At this point though IMO it's putting a pandaid on a massive infected wound that will get worse. Meds are great and they manage aggression...for a while until he stops taking them and refuses and and an aide cannot push it. Getting out with friends is wonderful for mental health when you are starting to slip. When you are emotionally beaten to a pulp, getting out every day isn't going to suddenly pep mom up for very long. You need a sustainable solution. He needs to be in the proper setting where they make sure meds are taken and they are trained to manage the behavior. It's a lot easier for mom to just visit him in a commons area with witnesses and if he becomes difficult she quickly leaves.

Also, even if he agrees to stay on meds, meds need to adapted quite a bit as brain deterioration happens. Do you really want mom to be unsafe until you get the right dosage or med when the current regimen doesn't work? There are quite a few cases where someone with dementia beats the spouse or even kills the spouse.

OP - Have you had your Dad evaluated for medication to reduce his anxiety and more aggressive behaviors. This is key to help him have less stress and to reduce the impact on your mother. If your mother is able, does she go out to see friends or simply to do things she might still enjoy such as getting her hair done, going to the library to read in peace and quiet, Going to a church service. If she might give this a try, maybe see if you could contact a close friend to
Call and make arrangements and a gift certificate for two to lunch out (given to the friend who will pickup mom) will be a welcome gift for her.

The other aspect is that perhaps finding a paid companion to take your mom out once a week might help her mental outlook, too. If she is able to drive, encourage her to join a senior group of some sort to keep up her social connections and a life balance.

Could you tell him the the caregiver is for *her*?

Thanks PP!

1) your mom could have early dementia, but more likely a form of abused spouse syndrome. My Mom was mentally and physically abusing my Dad. Took him 1.5 years to tell me about it and only because it was taking a toll on his health. And he was starting to worry about her getting violent enough to take his life. I noticed with my Dad that he would downplay what was going on. The denial is a survival mechanism.

2) Your Dad will be agitated no matter what. Right now the care giver is an easy target for his anger. But if the care giver stopped showing up, he'd find something else to rant about. Don't do things based on his reaction. It's whack-a-mole, because their reaction is always changing.
(My mom would rant about the care givers we had because my Dad was deteriorating. But usually only rant to me. But when they were around, she was so lovely with them and called them "friends". When they weren't around, she's tell me that she missed her friend. But then secretly call me when they were there to complain about them)

3) Your dad is no longer the dad you knew. Don't make decisions based on the person he used to be. Make decisions based on who he is now.
It helped me to think of my Mom like a toddler. It helped me to see that my Mom no longer had the ability to make larger life decision. Like my toddler can choose between eating a banana, blueberries or nothing. He does not get to choose whether or not he goes to day care. Of course he would love to be at home with us everyday all the time, but that wasn't feasible. So my job was to find a day care that was safe and met his needs.

Dementia is a horrible disease that impacts the family so much. Don't sacrifice your health (physical and mental) or your Mom's to try to fix your Dad. It's like a life guard, they will swim out to try to save you, but if you start to endanger their life, they will push you away.

OP, thank you again - it's hard to get a perspective if you are just emotionally affected and thanks for the good advices! It is what it is now and as such has to be addressed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate your messages. I feel this guilt that my father wouldn't be like this if we wouldn't have to have the in-person care giver, which rattles his routine. He was always so calm and easy - except that he clinged on my mother what took a toll on her - and us. I wish nothing more that she can have a calm end of life for herself and it breaks my heart to see both in the new situation, which could be so perfect if my father wouldn't resist and if my mother could play along.

The disease has an aggressive phase, OP. It's not under anyone's control.

This. The brain changes. It deteriorates. He is not the same person. I also found it helpful to practice radical acceptance. Let go of the what ifs, and face the now. He has aggressive tendencies and needs a proper placement. Let go of the rumination and face the here and now and plan for future. I say this as someone dealing with a combative parent who now hates me and thinks I am the source of everything wrong. (We had a good relationship before the decline).

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate your messages. I feel this guilt that my father wouldn't be like this if we wouldn't have to have the in-person care giver, which rattles his routine. He was always so calm and easy - except that he clinged on my mother what took a toll on her - and us. I wish nothing more that she can have a calm end of life for herself and it breaks my heart to see both in the new situation, which could be so perfect if my father wouldn't resist and if my mother could play along.

The disease has an aggressive phase, OP. It's not under anyone's control.

OP here. I appreciate your messages. I feel this guilt that my father wouldn't be like this if we wouldn't have to have the in-person care giver, which rattles his routine. He was always so calm and easy - except that he clinged on my mother what took a toll on her - and us. I wish nothing more that she can have a calm end of life for herself and it breaks my heart to see both in the new situation, which could be so perfect if my father wouldn't resist and if my mother could play along.

Your father needs to go to a home. His quality of life will henceforth be terrible any which way, OP, and you really do not want to prolong his physical existence longer than what's natural. It's best that your mother has a calm end of life herself.

Two things:
1. Could your mother also have some type of dementia? She doesn't sound that clear-headed.
2. Your father needs a different medication or more of what he has to keep him calm during the aggressive phase.

Yes, save one person over another
I wouldn't phrase it that way, but if you want a direct answer: yes.

It is very difficult. I don't have answers. There is no right answer. You just have to do what is best. It may not be what anyone wants but it is what is best. And best at the time. I had to make the decision to move my dad into an assisted living facility and then on to the memory care floor after his quick onset of dementia. I know it wasn't what he wanted, but I couldn't facilitate his care from another state. He was having intense delusions and I feared for his safety and the safety of those around him.

It might be best for both of them if he were in a memory care facility.

He did decline quickly once in the facility. It is hard to say, but I almost welcomed it, because he was not my dad anymore. He wasn't able to live the active life he loved. Maybe it was designed that way, so that his passing would be more accepted.

A friend of mine, lost his mom because she fell while trying to care for her husband with dementia. He was chasing her, she fell and broke her hip, and it was hours before she was found and taken to the hospital.

There is no easy answer. Hugs.

Anonymous wrote:My 82 year old mother takes care of my 84 year old father with Alzheimer. (advanced but stable for many years). My parents used to live on their own until my mother's morbus merniere worsened again, probably because of exhaustion. Until now, she insisted that she takes care of him on her own. She always stopped all help I organized on my visits to them. My father is codependant, he constantly is looking for her and gets very restless if she's not around. Now, we do have a live-in care giver for both. However, my father started to be loud and rude (aggressive) as he insists that they don't need any help, what not rationale. He understands that there is a person and he voices that he doesn't want anyone, he doesn't understand that he's actually not capable of being on his own and that his wife needs help, we explain, sometimes he understands and sometimes not and then he forgets all about it and then it starts again, many many times a day. This makes my mother very unhappy and she doesn't want the live-in person anymore just to keep my father calm (until we can convince her again). My father takes quetiapine for aggression but it is not really helping and my mother does not want to increase the dosage or give another medication for this. Point is, the situation has changed for my father as my mother cannot take care of him on her own but this routine change made him aggressive and this makes her feel sick and overwhelmed. She doesn't see him as a AZ patient with outbursts that need distractions and not to take it personally - I am very worried about my. mother.

Did anyone of you go through this situation, did the person with AZ finally accommodate (medication?) or did you need to take more drastic changes (move AZ person to nursing home) to help my mother? If my father goes to a nursing home, he for sure will deteriorate. Is this now saving one person over the other?

And? I'm sorry, I know it's harsh-but so what if he deteriorates? What is he living for now?

In my family's situation, it was my mom who had alzheimer's with dementia. She became physically violent and aggressive with my father. He was trying to hide it and deny it, but there were other witnesses (neighbors) and finally he admitted she needed to go into a secure memory care facility.

My 82 year old mother takes care of my 84 year old father with Alzheimer. (advanced but stable for many years). My parents used to live on their own until my mother's morbus merniere worsened again, probably because of exhaustion. Until now, she insisted that she takes care of him on her own. She always stopped all help I organized on my visits to them. My father is codependant, he constantly is looking for her and gets very restless if she's not around. Now, we do have a live-in care giver for both. However, my father started to be loud and rude (aggressive) as he insists that they don't need any help, what not rationale. He understands that there is a person and he voices that he doesn't want anyone, he doesn't understand that he's actually not capable of being on his own and that his wife needs help, we explain, sometimes he understands and sometimes not and then he forgets all about it and then it starts again, many many times a day. This makes my mother very unhappy and she doesn't want the live-in person anymore just to keep my father calm (until we can convince her again). My father takes quetiapine for aggression but it is not really helping and my mother does not want to increase the dosage or give another medication for this. Point is, the situation has changed for my father as my mother cannot take care of him on her own but this routine change made him aggressive and this makes her feel sick and overwhelmed. She doesn't see him as a AZ patient with outbursts that need distractions and not to take it personally - I am very worried about my. mother.

Did anyone of you go through this situation, did the person with AZ finally accommodate (medication?) or did you need to take more drastic changes (move AZ person to nursing home) to help my mother? If my father goes to a nursing home, he for sure will deteriorate. Is this now saving one person over the other?