Reply to Want to estrange myself from my mom

Forum Index » Eldercare

Reply to "Want to estrange myself from my mom"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]I estranged myself from my narcissistic parents (two of them - my childhood was pure joy!) just after my 30th birthday, 22 years ago. There was pain and sadness over the years but mostly relief. In my case it helped that my parents never tried to reconcile - a couple of letters from my mother over the years which were actually communal letters to everyone at Xmas - she only started this in her last few years of life - with an extra note included for me that essentially reiterated all the ways I had massively disappointed her and why couldn’t I just get over it? I never replied. I sent them a couple of Xmas cards with no special note but included my current phone number which she chose never to use. My mother had a long-standing habit of holding grudges that long preceded my birth, so I was unsurprised and her stonewalling and in the few things she did write to me it was clear she didn’t take any responsibility for the things I was done with (verbal and physical abuse by my father and brother and her vehement defense of their right to use me as personal and family scapegoat, and my need to just suck it up and play my role) and so there was no reason for me to open the door to conversation on it. Like many narcissistic parents do upon being estranged from their kids, she turned to trying to blackball me with other family because of course the problem HAD to be me and not her abusive bully husband and son and her own abusive self, so she wrote letters telling family what a terrible child I had been, so difficult to raise etc., but nobody believed her because they’d all known me my whole life and knew I was a terrified (of my parents) child who was if anything overly obedient and afraid to speak up for myself for the first 30 years of my life. The fact that she and my father had boasted to anyone who would listen about my many academic and professional accomplishments for years (although never a word of praise to me) made it hard for anyone to believe that I was the person she tried to make me out as when I dared to cut her off. Be aware that this is a common tactic of narcissistic parents when their kids cut them off - so if you care, have an idea in your mind how you will respond to other relatives who ask WTF is going on. Most of my close relatives knew I’d been abused my whole life and didn’t ever scold me for my choice - I had one cousin who did and I just felt sorry for her because my parents never had anything good to say about her and she chose them over our relationship which seemed very strange to me but with time I’ve realized that she was so invested in her delusion that she had a loving aunt and uncle she couldn’t open herself to the truth. We weren’t really all that close so I didn’t feel a need to fight for the relationship or to reveal to her the awful things my parents had said about her, her mother and her own family over the years. I’m a firm believer in not spreading pain if possible.

Narcissistic people are great at appearances and seeming like wonderful people outside the family dynamic, yet most have no truly close friends because the veneer is hard to maintain. Just know that some people may not understand why and you just need to be strong in your convictions of what is right for you. I can’t say I really regret going no contact because I was suicidal at the time and continued close contact with my parents and hearing them tell me how worthless I was would have led to my life’s premature end. I still have their toxic playlist in my head and it gave me grief over the years, but I’ve gotten better and better at quieting it and I truly believe that without the estrangement I would never have been free to fully self actualize. Narcissistic parents are a toxin like no other, and the abuse they inflict on a developing mind is worse than the physical abuse. I was beaten plenty in childhood - with belts, yardsticks, chain dog leashes, my father’s and brother’s fists - but those scars are long since healed. The being told I was a mistake that ruined my father’s life, and by extension my mother’s marriage and life, and all the other cruel things said to me day in and day out for decades is what formed the pain I will carry until I die. That sticks and stones BS is exactly that, total and complete horse crap. Words can inflict deep damage on a developing brain and the pain lasts a lifetime - you learn to cope and try to reparent and love yourself, but your are scarred by that parenting. You have every right to walk away from more of it being inflicted on you. You have honored your parent for as long as you could and you need to honor yourself. Your parent won’t change - narcissists are highly resistant to treatment even if they are willing to go and most aren’t.

My mother died 12 years after estrangement. It hurt to know that the dream of her someday being the mother I deserved was completely dead, but I knew it had been dead before I was ever born so . . . I still struggle at holidays and watching movies with happy families and seeing happy families in person, but it is what it is. This is the life I got dealt and I know I never deserved it, I was a good and loving kid and my parents were just incapable of loving me back. They didn’t really love my brother either, even though he was the golden - and they raised him to be a bully wife abuser and he has no relationships with any of his siblings or other extended family so I don’t think he got the better deal, just a different raw deal.

Narc parents deserve nothing from their victim children. I wish you some peace and happiness apart from the expectation of happiness in your family of origin.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics