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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Well, no locked doors was a rule in my house, too. These rules never occur in isolation. There's a whole host of parental behaviors and additional boundary-crossing rules that go along with it.

Keep working with counseling, OP. I know how difficult this uncertain stage in your marriage must be right now, but it sounds like you're doing everything you can to fix the marriage, and that your husband is trying to the best of his ability. Maybe if you haven't already started individual counseling for yourself in addition to couples counseling, that might be a helpful support.[/quote]

Can you tell me some of these behaviors etc. from your own life? [/quote]

Okay, some of the boundary-crossing issues: no right to privacy relating to any of my belongings, such as my diary. My parents gave it to me as a gift. I hid it in my dresser drawer but never wrote anything private. I knew that they would feel no compunction about searching for it and reading it. And I'm sure they planned to do that when they gave it to me, and that they then did do that.

Also, no right to my own facial expressions. This may sound strange, but this is how it worked. I spent a lot of time practicing in front of the mirror, trying out neutral and cheerful facial expressions. People outside the family and my mirror told me that I was  succeeding, but my parents were seeing a whole range of other expressions, none of which they liked. This was a problem because it didn't happen now and then, but, let's say, more days than not.

The biggest privacy issue had to do with their inferences about my feelings, thoughts and character that weren't accurate. This was an ongoing issue regarding my emotional and mental processes. Unfortunately, their inferences were often negative, so that was discouraging. On the positive side, my character was different enough from their very imaginative idea of me that I somehow remained a psychologically healthy person. -So I'm told by qualified professionals, anyway. :) [/quote]

Very interesting, thanks. You just revealed something about me and my issues. In my house (OP) we were allowed to lock doors, but I never trusted my mom with things like a journal. She would make this big deal about how she would never invade our privacy, but she is naturally a very nosy person and my aunt would tell me she would do thingst to invade my older brother's privacy (read notes his girlfriend gave him, etc.). I'm sure that screwed me up. In fact my mom is nosy to this day and she will do things like come to visit and clean out my closet without being asked, organize drawers, and sometimes I've been embarrassed as an adult (didn't want her to see a note I left my husband, etc.). So that is VERY interesting that we may both have those issues!

As for the other advice, I greatly appreciate it. We are doing imago therapy which is related to emotionally focused therapy from what I'v read (there are some differences but come from the same basic school of thought). I will ask our therapist about emotionally focused therapy and how it may help. Lately, the last few sessions we have strayed from the imago dialogue and talked about other things but our therapist is good about keeping us on track and when we discuss circumstances, she is good at getting us to say how we felt about something, which is great.

I'm learning a lot from this thread and am very appreciative.[/quote]

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