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[quote=Anonymous]Young AC, mid 20s, history of "mild" anxiety and depression, living working independently in the real world.  Started therapy on her own initiative a couple years ago with pandemic stress. We did assist with covering her co pays.  After a year she stopped therapy but spends a lot of time watching trauma tik tok.  After therapy our relationship with her got markedly strained.  She resents that we weren't better parents, more rich etc.  We are UMC and her childhood was marked by yearly vacations, private school, new non fancy car in hs, paid college, stay at home parent, years of music lessons, family dinners every night, occasional board games etc.  Pretty normal childhood.  The one thing she didn't have was a good grandmother figure in her life. My mother and father died many years back as did her other granddad.  Her grandmother lived far away but our interactions with her weee vert limited BC she was a raging lifelong alcoholic.  So yes, my husband grew up in an alcoholic home with neglect and abuse.  But he had a strong support system in church, school, friends, and he also gained a lot of support from al anon when he was a young teen and young man.  He is a well adjusted individual.  It is sad that her grandmother was not the cookie baking sweet grandma she wanted.  But we had to shelter our kids from her growing up, and our kids only saw her in very limited controlled situations.

My AC seems to thrive on being the victim suffering young person.  She is convinced that everyone had it better than her.  She is 25 years old, not 16.  We've apologized for our parenting shortcomings and just tried to move on with her.  Recently she had a revelation with me and told me that her dad (who grew up with alcoholic mother), is actually a recovering alcoholic and just won't admit it. I was shocked and over a couple conversations I picked her brain about her thought process.  She said dad has to be an alcoholic BC he stopped drinking a couple years ago, and that he carries alcoholic mother's blood.  She also pointed out the fact that prior to stopping drinking, he would have one or two beers after work, several nights a week.  This is true.  I asked her if during his nightly drinking he was ever drunk or hung over the next day. She said no, but that frequency checked off the alcoholic box.  I told her that dad would go a week or so without drinking but she said it didn't matter.  She then said she recalls twice in her childhood where dad had too much to drink.  One time was at a country club party. The men all drank a lot, it was new years.  I drove him and me home and the next morning he was hung over.  The second event was a family weekend wedding.  The wedding party went out a couple nights before and they all drank a lot.  We were staying at resort and they had designated drivers.  He staggered into bed that night, but was ok the next day.  She never saw him staggering in that night but the next morning over breakfast several of the men were bleary eyed asand she asked me why every looked tired and I laughed and said they all thought they were 22 again.  My AC said recalling episodes of heavy drinking checks the box for alcoholism.

The third box that confirms her verdict.   A couple years ago my husband who was 50 at the time decided that he didn't like beer or drinking compared to when he was younger. He also didn't like his beer belly.  So on his own accord he stopped drinking and started exercising a couple tes a week.  His beer belly is gone and he looks better than he has in years.  He also cut down on coffee, junk food etc.  Not just alcohol.  This confirmed my daughter's final verdict.

So now she is telling everyone that she is the product of an alcoholic dad and her friends are very sympathetic and believe her to be an amaziyyoung woman who has accomplished so much despite all.

The one kicker is my daughter is so convinced of dad being a drinker.  But then she made a comment that she actually liked her dad more when he drank beer, and that it would be better if he drank beer.  This comment baffled me BC I think he is healthier and happier now that he's not carrying around that extra 15 lbs.  He's also more energetic and I love health conscious stuff anyway.

She barely talks to us.  She will talk with me but won't talk to her dad who she says contaminated the gene pool by bringing bad karma into the family.  She is angry that I married him 27 years ago and that I should have married someone with a perfect family BC that would have been better.  My husband has some really wonderful people in his side of family.  But there are a couple bad apples, specifically the grandmother.  By the way, grandmother died when she was 13.

My AC so who still talks with her thinks she's delusional and loves playing the victim type.  He says it gives her some weird sense of admiration from people and positive affirmations. 
Any suggestions on how to best cope,? I feel so bad for my husband but he is taking it in stride and although I know he's deeply hurt he's trying to be the bigger person here.  We tell her we love her no matter what.  She is not coming over for the holidays BC she said she doesn't want to expose herself to negative toxicity.  I told her she has to do what's best for her but the door is always open.  She had been dating someone new for a couple months and has apparently told him all about her suffering and recovering alcoholic dad and enabling mom.  I just don't know what else to do at this point.

Thanks all, sorry for the rant and ramble.
  
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