Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry. That sounds like a nightmare.

Hopefully, as she matures, she will have a less distorted perspective.

It sounds like you and your husband were good parents. I hope that you can find some peace and enjoyment in the lives you now share.

Hugs, from another mom, who is unappreciated and criticized by a daughter who I devoted myself to with unconditional love.

OP here. I'm so sorry for you too. We definitely were far from perfect parents. We made our mistakes but we always tried the best and lived our children


Your daughter, is your situation similar to mine? Is she older or younger? What is her narrative and what happened? These things, there is a sense of shame, and I am not very open with people about this. It is interesting and comforting to know we are not alone, even if it is a random message board stranger who I will never actually know.

Thank you. Our situations are not the same, but I can imagine that if and when she begins therapy, they will hear a distorted view because she already weights my flaws ten times more heavily than my strengths as a parent. For example, I can praise her about four qualities. If later I question whether she could do something better, she says all I do is criticize her. It is as if she expects a parent who is all praise and no advice (which she perceives as nagging). I don't think that is realistic given the nature of our relationship, our difference in ages, the fact that she is only now learning how to adult, etc.

PS-my kid is younger than OP's, having just finished college.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry. That sounds like a nightmare.

Hopefully, as she matures, she will have a less distorted perspective.

It sounds like you and your husband were good parents. I hope that you can find some peace and enjoyment in the lives you now share.

Hugs, from another mom, who is unappreciated and criticized by a daughter who I devoted myself to with unconditional love.

OP here. I'm so sorry for you too. We definitely were far from perfect parents. We made our mistakes but we always tried the best and lived our children


Your daughter, is your situation similar to mine? Is she older or younger? What is her narrative and what happened? These things, there is a sense of shame, and I am not very open with people about this. It is interesting and comforting to know we are not alone, even if it is a random message board stranger who I will never actually know.

Thank you. Our situations are not the same, but I can imagine that if and when she begins therapy, they will hear a distorted view because she already weights my flaws ten times more heavily than my strengths as a parent. For example, I can praise her about four qualities. If later I question whether she could do something better, she says all I do is criticize her. It is as if she expects a parent who is all praise and no advice (which she perceives as nagging). I don't think that is realistic given the nature of our relationship, our difference in ages, the fact that she is only now learning how to adult, etc.

There's more to this story. If your daughter is this narcissistic and histrionic it can't be because you were perfect parents. Figure out what you messed up if it wasn't your husband's drinking and try to make real amends.

Anonymous wrote:I'm very sorry, OP. What your daughter is doing is not right, but you are kind of powerless to do anything about it unless you want to call her out as a liar, which will cause more harm than good. IMO, the best course of action may be to come up with a couple of sentences that skirt her "recovering alcoholic" narrative, e.g., "DH was motivated to stop drinking for health reasons. We [or he] never saw his drinking as problematic, but he is much healthier now so it was definitely the right decision for him."

People who remain in your lives will eventually realize that your daughter was exaggerating. The opinions of those who don't remain in your lives won't matter in the long run.

OP here. I agree I can't outright call her a liar or incorrect BC that is her narrative. I did tell her that dad did not fit the characteristics of an alcoholic but he accused me of gaslighting her. So I backed off. She said I'm part of the toxicity BC I enable the situation.

Anonymous wrote:“I’m sorry you won’t be joining us for the holidays. Talk to you soon.”

Honestly, you need some space from her. I hope you’re not supporting her financially in any way. Let her take care of herself. Stop engaging in this nonsense. You don’t need to talk with her right now more than 1-2x a month. Keep your conversations superficial. She’s getting a rise out of you with this drama. Take the oxygen out of this room.

OP here. Definitely not supporting her financially since she got out on her own over a year ago.

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry. That sounds like a nightmare.

Hopefully, as she matures, she will have a less distorted perspective.

It sounds like you and your husband were good parents. I hope that you can find some peace and enjoyment in the lives you now share.

Hugs, from another mom, who is unappreciated and criticized by a daughter who I devoted myself to with unconditional love.

OP here. I'm so sorry for you too. We definitely were far from perfect parents. We made our mistakes but we always tried the best and lived our children


Your daughter, is your situation similar to mine? Is she older or younger? What is her narrative and what happened? These things, there is a sense of shame, and I am not very open with people about this. It is interesting and comforting to know we are not alone, even if it is a random message board stranger who I will never actually know.

“I’m sorry you won’t be joining us for the holidays. Talk to you soon.”

Honestly, you need some space from her. I hope you’re not supporting her financially in any way. Let her take care of herself. Stop engaging in this nonsense. You don’t need to talk with her right now more than 1-2x a month. Keep your conversations superficial. She’s getting a rise out of you with this drama. Take the oxygen out of this room.

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter is seriously messed up in the head. Is she a narcissist?

OP here. I have actually wondered the same thing. I looked up the characteristics once and I saw many similarities. But I'm not sure. You know how you look at those quizzes etc and it seems like you can fit anyone into a mold? She was a very self involved teen but that's normal firvteens. I do sometimes think she never really grew out of that self involved stage.

My other AC (son) who still talks to her thinks she's grandiose and delusional. We never brought it up with our son BC we wanted to preserve their relationship as much as we could and not muddy the waters it influence him. One day he sat down with us and said we had to talk about it, and that although he admired us for being neutral with him, he couldn't ignore the elephant in the room any longer. We talked about it for a while, and he said it's getting harder and harder for him to maintain relationship with her. I hope they can still maintain BC it will be sad of they break apart.

I'm very sorry, OP. What your daughter is doing is not right, but you are kind of powerless to do anything about it unless you want to call her out as a liar, which will cause more harm than good. IMO, the best course of action may be to come up with a couple of sentences that skirt her "recovering alcoholic" narrative, e.g., "DH was motivated to stop drinking for health reasons. We [or he] never saw his drinking as problematic, but he is much healthier now so it was definitely the right decision for him."

People who remain in your lives will eventually realize that your daughter was exaggerating. The opinions of those who don't remain in your lives won't matter in the long run.

Sounds like you told your kid too much about other family members and apologized for something you can't account for even if you did your best to control the factors in her life.

I am so sorry. That sounds like a nightmare.

Hopefully, as she matures, she will have a less distorted perspective.

It sounds like you and your husband were good parents. I hope that you can find some peace and enjoyment in the lives you now share.

Hugs, from another mom, who is unappreciated and criticized by a daughter who I devoted myself to with unconditional love.

I am so sorry your child is treating you this way. She sounds like she has severe mental health issues and I jope she fets the help she needs.

She is probably right - glad he stopped

Your daughter is seriously messed up in the head. Is she a narcissist?

Young AC, mid 20s, history of "mild" anxiety and depression, living working independently in the real world. Started therapy on her own initiative a couple years ago with pandemic stress. We did assist with covering her co pays. After a year she stopped therapy but spends a lot of time watching trauma tik tok. After therapy our relationship with her got markedly strained. She resents that we weren't better parents, more rich etc. We are UMC and her childhood was marked by yearly vacations, private school, new non fancy car in hs, paid college, stay at home parent, years of music lessons, family dinners every night, occasional board games etc. Pretty normal childhood. The one thing she didn't have was a good grandmother figure in her life. My mother and father died many years back as did her other granddad. Her grandmother lived far away but our interactions with her weee vert limited BC she was a raging lifelong alcoholic. So yes, my husband grew up in an alcoholic home with neglect and abuse. But he had a strong support system in church, school, friends, and he also gained a lot of support from al anon when he was a young teen and young man. He is a well adjusted individual. It is sad that her grandmother was not the cookie baking sweet grandma she wanted. But we had to shelter our kids from her growing up, and our kids only saw her in very limited controlled situations.

My AC seems to thrive on being the victim suffering young person. She is convinced that everyone had it better than her. She is 25 years old, not 16. We've apologized for our parenting shortcomings and just tried to move on with her. Recently she had a revelation with me and told me that her dad (who grew up with alcoholic mother), is actually a recovering alcoholic and just won't admit it. I was shocked and over a couple conversations I picked her brain about her thought process. She said dad has to be an alcoholic BC he stopped drinking a couple years ago, and that he carries alcoholic mother's blood. She also pointed out the fact that prior to stopping drinking, he would have one or two beers after work, several nights a week. This is true. I asked her if during his nightly drinking he was ever drunk or hung over the next day. She said no, but that frequency checked off the alcoholic box. I told her that dad would go a week or so without drinking but she said it didn't matter. She then said she recalls twice in her childhood where dad had too much to drink. One time was at a country club party. The men all drank a lot, it was new years. I drove him and me home and the next morning he was hung over. The second event was a family weekend wedding. The wedding party went out a couple nights before and they all drank a lot. We were staying at resort and they had designated drivers. He staggered into bed that night, but was ok the next day. She never saw him staggering in that night but the next morning over breakfast several of the men were bleary eyed asand she asked me why every looked tired and I laughed and said they all thought they were 22 again. My AC said recalling episodes of heavy drinking checks the box for alcoholism.

The third box that confirms her verdict. A couple years ago my husband who was 50 at the time decided that he didn't like beer or drinking compared to when he was younger. He also didn't like his beer belly. So on his own accord he stopped drinking and started exercising a couple tes a week. His beer belly is gone and he looks better than he has in years. He also cut down on coffee, junk food etc. Not just alcohol. This confirmed my daughter's final verdict.

So now she is telling everyone that she is the product of an alcoholic dad and her friends are very sympathetic and believe her to be an amaziyyoung woman who has accomplished so much despite all.

The one kicker is my daughter is so convinced of dad being a drinker. But then she made a comment that she actually liked her dad more when he drank beer, and that it would be better if he drank beer. This comment baffled me BC I think he is healthier and happier now that he's not carrying around that extra 15 lbs. He's also more energetic and I love health conscious stuff anyway.

She barely talks to us. She will talk with me but won't talk to her dad who she says contaminated the gene pool by bringing bad karma into the family. She is angry that I married him 27 years ago and that I should have married someone with a perfect family BC that would have been better. My husband has some really wonderful people in his side of family. But there are a couple bad apples, specifically the grandmother. By the way, grandmother died when she was 13.

My AC so who still talks with her thinks she's delusional and loves playing the victim type. He says it gives her some weird sense of admiration from people and positive affirmations.
Any suggestions on how to best cope,? I feel so bad for my husband but he is taking it in stride and although I know he's deeply hurt he's trying to be the bigger person here. We tell her we love her no matter what. She is not coming over for the holidays BC she said she doesn't want to expose herself to negative toxicity. I told her she has to do what's best for her but the door is always open. She had been dating someone new for a couple months and has apparently told him all about her suffering and recovering alcoholic dad and enabling mom. I just don't know what else to do at this point.

Thanks all, sorry for the rant and ramble.