Reply to Fostering a relationship between mom and my kids

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[quote=Anonymous]I’m going to try to be kind but it might sound really direct:

You are projecting a lot on to your mother- saying she is a good mother and wants a relationship and everything else. It is easy to say these things but hard to do them. She is telling you one thing through her words and another through her actions. It doesn’t matter how much care she puts into her cooking- that’s not the same as talking and interacting with her grandchildren. I would argue with you that your mom IS self-centered. Expecting a relationship to evolve in the way she wants while totally dictating the kind of effort she’ll put into the relationship is self-centered and inflexible.

My mother is a white American with zero cultural barriers to interaction with my children, and she is exactly like your mother, down to the words and excuses she uses. She is anxious, depressed, needy, and self-centered, too. My ILs are hands-on, involved, loving grandparents just like the grandparents you describe. It is hard and lonely, but you will become bitter and exhausted if you keep trying to create a relationship and a mother that don’t actually exist. Pour energy into the people who show up and show their love, and give yourself some time to mourn the mom you have versus the one you wish you had.[/quote]

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