Reply to MIL subtly judgmental of teenaged DD

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[quote=Anonymous]My mom was like this. She also had a habit of apologizing for my kids’ appearance. For example, she asked us to stop by her office so she could show the kids off on our way to a Christmas party. I said sure, but we forgot a couple things to complete the outfits, like tights and a headband, so they won’t be photo ready. (We we’re going to stop and grab those items on our way and do the finishing touches in the car.) At her office, whenever anyone would compliment the kids’, my mom would say something like, “thanks, but they’d be so much cuter if they had tights and their hair done.” It’s easier because it was my own mom rather than MIL, but I had to tell her to stop. I said that she needs to stop apologizing for my children’s looks, that we have a different style and every apology for how my kids look is a criticism of my parenting and their appearance. I also said that if she’s going to criticize their outfits when we’re obviously not fully ready, I’ll skip bringing them over unless they’re picture perfect. She definitely slowed down that behavior for a while.

I’d probably have to say something to your MIL if I were you. It’s affecting your daughter, she told you about it which is her asking for help even if it’s indirect, and your DH won’t do it. I’d keep it short and light if possible. I’d probably wait until the next visit is planned and close to the date just mention privately to MIL that DD is at that age where she’s sensitive about comments about her appearance, and ask her to be mindful that teen girls often take helpful hints and style suggestions as criticisms. If she responds negatively, then you can be more blunt, and if she asks for examples I’d be specific. I’d also tell MIL that DD has a prescribed skincare routine and she needs to stop telling her to wash more. That’s just rude. If she continues, I’d let DD stop visiting except family events and I’d tell MIL why if she asks: It’s no fun to visit old ladies who are constantly telling you you’re dirty and ugly, or that your only value is in your appearance. [/quote]

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