I agree that it is best to be direct. Also, your title says that your mother-in-law is “subtly” judgemental. There is nothing subtle about her actions. See them for what they are, rude and disrespectful. Your daughter will always remember that no one stood up for her when she didn’t have the voice to stand up for herself. Also, you speaking up will teach her how to respond when mistreated in the future. You got this!

You could start by teaching your child better hygiene and getting her better clothes.

“Madge, I’ve noticed that you’ve prompted Larla to take a shower and how to treat her skin. You’ve continuously offered to take her shopping. Larla hasn’t asked for any of this. I’m wondering, are you embarrassed by Larla? That’s the only explanation I can think of. Am I right?”

The let the silence do the work.

My mom was like this. She also had a habit of apologizing for my kids’ appearance. For example, she asked us to stop by her office so she could show the kids off on our way to a Christmas party. I said sure, but we forgot a couple things to complete the outfits, like tights and a headband, so they won’t be photo ready. (We we’re going to stop and grab those items on our way and do the finishing touches in the car.) At her office, whenever anyone would compliment the kids’, my mom would say something like, “thanks, but they’d be so much cuter if they had tights and their hair done.” It’s easier because it was my own mom rather than MIL, but I had to tell her to stop. I said that she needs to stop apologizing for my children’s looks, that we have a different style and every apology for how my kids look is a criticism of my parenting and their appearance. I also said that if she’s going to criticize their outfits when we’re obviously not fully ready, I’ll skip bringing them over unless they’re picture perfect. She definitely slowed down that behavior for a while.

I’d probably have to say something to your MIL if I were you. It’s affecting your daughter, she told you about it which is her asking for help even if it’s indirect, and your DH won’t do it. I’d keep it short and light if possible. I’d probably wait until the next visit is planned and close to the date just mention privately to MIL that DD is at that age where she’s sensitive about comments about her appearance, and ask her to be mindful that teen girls often take helpful hints and style suggestions as criticisms. If she responds negatively, then you can be more blunt, and if she asks for examples I’d be specific. I’d also tell MIL that DD has a prescribed skincare routine and she needs to stop telling her to wash more. That’s just rude. If she continues, I’d let DD stop visiting except family events and I’d tell MIL why if she asks: It’s no fun to visit old ladies who are constantly telling you you’re dirty and ugly, or that your only value is in your appearance.

I don't see why you can't tell your MIL that DD isn't into clothes, hair and make-up. Lots of girls aren't. I was interested in skincare and make-up, but not hairdos or clothes, as a teenager. Tell her she's making your daughter feel very self-conscious and judged, and that you'd rather she talk about something else completely unrelated to your daughter's appearance. Train your daughter to redirect and say "Can we talk about something else?".

Anonymous wrote:Empower her to say (if not in your presence):

“My parents have taught me to tell a bully to stop it, so I am telling you to stop it now.”

In your presence:
“That’s it for today, Barbara, we don’t allow people to bully our children. When you can keep your negative opinions and unsolicited advice to yourself, we can try again for a visit.”

I would go nuclear over this. Your daughter will never forget this treatment and will never forget that her parents allowed it if that is what you continue to do.

-1
Making a huge deal of it will not help your dd.

Anonymous wrote:Empower her to say (if not in your presence):

“My parents have taught me to tell a bully to stop it, so I am telling you to stop it now.”

In your presence:
“That’s it for today, Barbara, we don’t allow people to bully our children. When you can keep your negative opinions and unsolicited advice to yourself, we can try again for a visit.”

I would go nuclear over this. Your daughter will never forget this treatment and will never forget that her parents allowed it if that is what you continue to do.

This is crazy, don't do this.

Anonymous wrote:Empower her to say (if not in your presence):

“My parents have taught me to tell a bully to stop it, so I am telling you to stop it now.”

In your presence:
“That’s it for today, Barbara, we don’t allow people to bully our children. When you can keep your negative opinions and unsolicited advice to yourself, we can try again for a visit.”

I would go nuclear over this. Your daughter will never forget this treatment and will never forget that her parents allowed it if that is what you continue to do.

What? No! That’s way too dramatic and not likely to lead to less upset and stress for op’s daughter. There are like 9 steps of direct communication w grandma before it would be appropriate escalate like this.

Tell your daughter she is free to just leave the room if her grandmother starts up. She can give a polite excuse if she’d like. Then you say something. Direct, short, factual, not an order or directive.

Grandma: I have this wonderful new skin cream you’d like, Larla.
Larla: I have homework. <leaves abruptly>
You: <casually> She thinks you’re embarrassed by her.
Grandma: <shocked tone> I’m not embarrassed by her!
You: <shrug> Okay.

Bet she’ll tone it down after that.

Keep your child away from people who are mean to her.

Empower her to say (if not in your presence):

“My parents have taught me to tell a bully to stop it, so I am telling you to stop it now.”

In your presence:
“That’s it for today, Barbara, we don’t allow people to bully our children. When you can keep your negative opinions and unsolicited advice to yourself, we can try again for a visit.”

I would go nuclear over this. Your daughter will never forget this treatment and will never forget that her parents allowed it if that is what you continue to do.

An indirect route, but I would take MIL aside and tell her sotto voce that discussion of daughter’s appearance is off the menu. Just say that you know she’ll understand and how sensitive teenagers can be. Enlist her help rather than criticize her, especially since you have no back up with DH.

You’re in a tough spot. Dh can be like this with ds. I call him out on it, but to little effect. I would probably minimize the amount of time dd spends with mil. And if mil asks why, I’d say because dd feels crappy about herself after spending time with her. Maybe that will wake her up, maybe it won’t, but I wouldn’t force dd to spend time with someone who continually voices negative opinions about her.

Anonymous wrote:DD13 is a lovely girl, though she’s a bit of a tomboy, if that’s still a thing you can say. She is clean and put together, but she doesn’t care if her hair is a little messy, prefers graphic tees and sports shorts or sweatpants. She also has a little acne, though she’s had intervention and uses meds.

MIL is always trying to take DD shopping for clothes she doesn’t want, tries to get her to take a shower and wash her hair, tries styling it in ways DD doesn’t like, gives unsolicited skincare advise. DD thinks her grandma is embarrassed of her and is trying to change her. She says it hurts her feelings.

DH who doesn’t have a great relationship to begin with, excuses her behavior and says that’s just the way she is. But it clearly hurts DD feelings. DD is afraid to speak up for herself, DH won’t. What can I do myself?

DH is not going to tell his mother to back off, and your DD is too inexperienced with your MIL type.

Y'all going to have to take matters into your own hands - short and sweet, OP. Next time MIL wants to try a makeover, just say in a louder than usual tone: " I just LOVE Larla's taste in clothes/hair/whatever".

If MIL steps it up just say "Back off."

Your daughter will NEVER forget it, for the better, trust me, OP.

DD13 is a lovely girl, though she’s a bit of a tomboy, if that’s still a thing you can say. She is clean and put together, but she doesn’t care if her hair is a little messy, prefers graphic tees and sports shorts or sweatpants. She also has a little acne, though she’s had intervention and uses meds.

MIL is always trying to take DD shopping for clothes she doesn’t want, tries to get her to take a shower and wash her hair, tries styling it in ways DD doesn’t like, gives unsolicited skincare advise. DD thinks her grandma is embarrassed of her and is trying to change her. She says it hurts her feelings.

DH who doesn’t have a great relationship to begin with, excuses her behavior and says that’s just the way she is. But it clearly hurts DD feelings. DD is afraid to speak up for herself, DH won’t. What can I do myself?