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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You did the right thing.

I can see that I'm spoiling for a similar fight with my mom as my dad is 100% for cremation and my mother thinks that is horrible. I will fight tooth and nail to get him what he wants, just like you did.

She's hurting, everyone is hurting. This will blow over, eventually.

I would be interested to try and figure out who told. Not a witch hunt, but I would try to figure it out.[/quote]

I doubt anyone told her.  I am sure she knew her husband wanted his ashes near his parents; she engineered this whole scenario as a cruel loyalty exercise. She knew the kids would fulfill the dad’s wishes. She just needed a reason to feel mad at those closest to her.

The interesting question is, did she push them away on purpose because she feared them abandoning her? So better to ditch others before they dump you? Or is she trying to test the limits of their love, like do they love mom more than dad? Sick, twisted, sorry you are going through this at the same time you lost your father.[/quote]

OP here. The last line is a curious line to me. My Mom has a history of pushing away family. She has not talked to her 1 sibling, who is now on his deathbed, for over a decade; she always cites lots of reasons why she claims the sibling and sibling's spouse has harmed her. She doesn't talk to any blood uncles or aunts or cousins anymore, all for the basically the same reasons- harm she said they caused to her, often decades ago. She has very few, if any, close friends; most are casual acquaintances. And she has stories and stories of how my Dad's family has harmed her and my Dad over the decades as well. I have been wondering the past 2 weeks if the whole ordeal with my Dad's ashes is the reason she's going to use to push my sibling and I away too.... she has already demonized our spouses behind our backs (she complains about my spouse to my sibling and vice versa).  And there was a time about 10 years ago when my Mom called me drunkedly in the middle of the night after she and my Dad fought and my Dad left to get some space, and she claimed he was leaving her, and when I tried, badly, to calm her down, she told me I loved my father more than her and hung up on me, so I know there is that constant undercurrent of loyalty and abandonment there for her.

Also: I was raised by my parents to respect elders, always respect and care for your parents, etc., even if it means great sacrifice, and now I am wondering if that was just a way to manipulate my sibling and I. Looking back now, I almost wonder if it stunted my sibling and I in our adult lives; we're always the children, never the adults. At the other end, we only talk 1x/week, and my Mom does not handle random drop ins well, or any spontaneous plans, so I've always had to call in advance to arrange for a time to come and visit. She  has to control when and how any interaction take place.

Anyways, my sibling started therapy awhile ago and am beginning to think I need to as well. There's a lot I see that I need to work through as I look back on what I wrote. Thanks for the feedback- both positive and negative. Obviously this is taking up a lot of mental space in my head, and I am tired of it. Appreciate those who were willing to read just so I could get some of it out and stop thinking on it. I don't want to be my mother constantly stewing on things.... [/quote]

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