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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I can relate. My dad and mom had a dysfunctional marriage but he loved her very much. She passed away 5 years ago and my dad was heartbroken. I thought id lose him too. My aunt’s (mother’s sisters) now talk to me about how bad my dad was to my mom, abusive. She would complain to them, but the fact is, she was half the problem. He was not physically or abusive but had an uncontrollable temper and was impulsive (generous) with money where she was tight. She was an incessant nag and knew how to insult him.  He has been a loving father and is now very old and ill. Ive decided not to talk to my aunts about him and do correct them when they badmouth him. It breaks my heart though. I wish i could talk to my mom. I could see her telling me to ignore them but them agreeing my dad was a shit. Ha. [/quote]

This is interesting because my mom portrayed herself as the victim of dad's temper her whole life. Even she would agree he did not every touch her when angry. I was there for the fights in childhood. She almost every time lost her temper first and pushed every button she could and threatened until she got a rise out of him. Yet all those years she had me convinced she was angelic. I heard all the horrible and downright abusive things SHE said as he tried to keep his cool, yet I still convinced myself mommy was the "the good guy" and daddy was "the bad guy" for her narrative. Since he passed away she has a compulsive need to fight. She will lash out at me and try to push every button she can. Learning to detach and talking through her behavior in therapy is what made me empathize tremendously with my dad and see how downright mentally ill she is. I will be noting and she just has to pick and verbally stab trying to fulfill her need for yelling and drama I suppose. Luckily I have better anger management strategies than both of them, but the more I really remember my childhood the more I dislike who she is as a person.[/quote]

Forgot to mention before I got my own therapy a few times when dad was ill and right after he passed, I let her pushing my buttons get to me and I gave it back to her verbally. She called all the family and friends she could to play the victim and share how terrible her daughter was to her the saintly wife of husband in the hospital and then the "grieving widow?!"[/quote]

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