Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can relate. My dad and mom had a dysfunctional marriage but he loved her very much. She passed away 5 years ago and my dad was heartbroken. I thought id lose him too. My aunt’s (mother’s sisters) now talk to me about how bad my dad was to my mom, abusive. She would complain to them, but the fact is, she was half the problem. He was not physically or abusive but had an uncontrollable temper and was impulsive (generous) with money where she was tight. She was an incessant nag and knew how to insult him. He has been a loving father and is now very old and ill. Ive decided not to talk to my aunts about him and do correct them when they badmouth him. It breaks my heart though. I wish i could talk to my mom. I could see her telling me to ignore them but them agreeing my dad was a shit. Ha.

This is interesting because my mom portrayed herself as the victim of dad's temper her whole life. Even she would agree he did not every touch her when angry. I was there for the fights in childhood. She almost every time lost her temper first and pushed every button she could and threatened until she got a rise out of him. Yet all those years she had me convinced she was angelic. I heard all the horrible and downright abusive things SHE said as he tried to keep his cool, yet I still convinced myself mommy was the "the good guy" and daddy was "the bad guy" for her narrative. Since he passed away she has a compulsive need to fight. She will lash out at me and try to push every button she can. Learning to detach and talking through her behavior in therapy is what made me empathize tremendously with my dad and see how downright mentally ill she is. I will be noting and she just has to pick and verbally stab trying to fulfill her need for yelling and drama I suppose. Luckily I have better anger management strategies than both of them, but the more I really remember my childhood the more I dislike who she is as a person.

Anonymous wrote:I can relate. My dad and mom had a dysfunctional marriage but he loved her very much. She passed away 5 years ago and my dad was heartbroken. I thought id lose him too. My aunt’s (mother’s sisters) now talk to me about how bad my dad was to my mom, abusive. She would complain to them, but the fact is, she was half the problem. He was not physically or abusive but had an uncontrollable temper and was impulsive (generous) with money where she was tight. She was an incessant nag and knew how to insult him. He has been a loving father and is now very old and ill. Ive decided not to talk to my aunts about him and do correct them when they badmouth him. It breaks my heart though. I wish i could talk to my mom. I could see her telling me to ignore them but them agreeing my dad was a shit. Ha.

Anonymous wrote:They remained married, but it was a pretty dysfunctional marriage. I let mom vent to me about him throughout childhood and beyond because I didn't know about boundaries, I looked up to her and wanted to please her. After he died I let it go for a while, but finally suggested she talk to a professional about her feelings because I preferred to enjoy my pleasant memories. I said I am sorry her experience with him was not what she wanted, but really what I haven't said is as I got to her know her as an adult I realize how toxic she can be and how she tried to poison us against him over the years. Anyway, she exploded when I suggested therapy or just talking to a friend. So now I just change the subject or leave, but it's so gross. She used to brag about visiting his grave a lot. I don't care about that. Just let me have my memories and stop trying to throw mud on them with all your marital problems. I won't let her trash him in front of my kids either. They loved their grandpa and he was a good one.

It's not just him. When in a bad mood she trashes her friends, her other family members. If you dislike so many people in your life then get help to figure out how to have more fulfilling relationships.

How do you handle it when your mom trashes your dad-living or deceased? I refuse to be her confidant or therapist when it comes to badmouthing someone I love.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you and I are similar. My parent's marriage was dysfunctional and tumultuous. I was parentified by my mother (didn't recognize it til adulthood) and she would confide in me as a child about my father and their marriage. Looking back it was weird. Things she told me, she should have shared with either a therapist or a good girlfriend of similar age. She would try to turn my father into the evil one. He wasn't evil. He wasn't the greatest husband but looking at it with adult eyes she wasn't a saint either. She blamed him for everything, he was the easy scapegoat. He died 12 years ago and she still continues to bad mouth him. She still blames him for things today, even though he hasn't been alive in over a decade. I get bothered when she says negative stuff. I tell her I'd prefer to remember the positives. She gets angry at me and says she's the victim and why don't I agree. It's not that I don't remember the negatives. It's just I choose not to focus on the negatives. Just like when my mother dies I'm not going to bad mouth her. But will focus on her good qualities. It's not that I'm in denial. And if I was having a frank conversation with a friend, I could easily talk about the good and the bad with my parents. I just don't want the bad mouthing negativity to over ride. I've never heard her say anything positive about him. Both my parents were good people but they were I'll suited and it makes me sad that they didn't find better matches in life. But that generation divorce was less common. Although my mother even in recent years, blames me as a child for never having gotten a divorce. Apparently at the age of 8, after another brawl, my mother told me that dad was leaving. I apparently said something whole crying "what about dad, where will he go, he can't leave me...". I'm guilty as charged for stopping a divorce at the age of 8.

Anonymous wrote:They remained married, but it was a pretty dysfunctional marriage. I let mom vent to me about him throughout childhood and beyond because I didn't know about boundaries, I looked up to her and wanted to please her. After he died I let it go for a while, but finally suggested she talk to a professional about her feelings because I preferred to enjoy my pleasant memories. I said I am sorry her experience with him was not what she wanted, but really what I haven't said is as I got to her know her as an adult I realize how toxic she can be and how she tried to poison us against him over the years. Anyway, she exploded when I suggested therapy or just talking to a friend. So now I just change the subject or leave, but it's so gross. She used to brag about visiting his grave a lot. I don't care about that. Just let me have my memories and stop trying to throw mud on them with all your marital problems. I won't let her trash him in front of my kids either. They loved their grandpa and he was a good one.

It's not just him. When in a bad mood she trashes her friends, her other family members. If you dislike so many people in your life then get help to figure out how to have more fulfilling relationships.

How do you handle it when your mom trashes your dad-living or deceased? I refuse to be her confidant or therapist when it comes to badmouthing someone I love.