Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going through the same thing. I think there is love there, but there is a focus on meeting his needs and if he feels slighted, can lash out verbally. It feels like it comes from nowhere (I spoke in a tone, I was snippy) and even if I wasn’t upset at the time or didn’t even intend or notice my voice was sharp, I have to admit to feeling a way or doing something (talking in a tone) even if I don’t agree. And no, apologizing for hurting him is not enough, I must confirm that there was, indeed a tone, or I was feeling pissy. And the result can be name calling, or hurtful comments about how he doesn’t love me and should have left me, to how he suffered with me for 20 years and he is a warning to all his friends about how they shouldn’t end up like him. And then he says sorry for the hurtful comment, and expects me to say sorry for being snippy or acknowledge that he was feeling unloved because of something I wasn’t doing/saying and move on. The really hurtful comments have now happened four times and they crush me. The three before took forever to get over and not sure what to do with the fourth. Not sure what to do and whether this is a lull or he really does, deep down, think that he is stuck with me and it is just coming out here and there.

So, no advice here. I am in the thick of it in the moment. But I sympathize.

Very similar here. Have you tried putting down boundaries?

Anonymous wrote:I am going through the same thing. I think there is love there, but there is a focus on meeting his needs and if he feels slighted, can lash out verbally. It feels like it comes from nowhere (I spoke in a tone, I was snippy) and even if I wasn’t upset at the time or didn’t even intend or notice my voice was sharp, I have to admit to feeling a way or doing something (talking in a tone) even if I don’t agree. And no, apologizing for hurting him is not enough, I must confirm that there was, indeed a tone, or I was feeling pissy. And the result can be name calling, or hurtful comments about how he doesn’t love me and should have left me, to how he suffered with me for 20 years and he is a warning to all his friends about how they shouldn’t end up like him. And then he says sorry for the hurtful comment, and expects me to say sorry for being snippy or acknowledge that he was feeling unloved because of something I wasn’t doing/saying and move on. The really hurtful comments have now happened four times and they crush me. The three before took forever to get over and not sure what to do with the fourth. Not sure what to do and whether this is a lull or he really does, deep down, think that he is stuck with me and it is just coming out here and there.

So, no advice here. I am in the thick of it in the moment. But I sympathize.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that I would say I have fallen out of love, perhaps because I have always been taught that love is action, not emotion. If I don't feel those good feelings that come from love, like safety, trust, support, and a desire to do the same, I act. I write down things I like about my husband; everything from "he took care of me after my surgery" to "he looks good with scruff." I try to put things in perspective and remember that the flaws he has are just flaws, not real impediments to having a good relationship. I think about how I can show love to him in a way that is genuine had freely given (not in an "I have to do this" way that might build resentment).

As far as attraction goes, have you ever felt more attracted to somebody after you got to know them? Or felt less attracted to somebody after you got to know them a bit? I am convinced that maybe 99% attraction is a choice. I could be wrong, and I would never suggest somebody should try to be attracted to somebody they aren't in a relationship with, but when I look for the good in my spouse, the attraction follows.

But you are totally normal. I don't know very many people in long-term marriages who have never lost feelings of attraction and good feelings toward their spouse. But I firmly believe that two good people can always get back to a good place. (But for what it's worth, I also firmly believe that getting back to a good place shouldn't always be the goal)

This is helpful.

The flaw I am dealing with is emotional tantrums and anger control issues, resulting in hurtful things being said. A form of emotional abuse. There are a ton of other good things — none of the things others complain about here, such as not being an equal partner around the house or with the kids, or not taking care of me, cheating, financial issues, sex, romance, similar interests and lifestyle goals and values… literally all is as good as it could be. Except that one piece. Which has improved a lot over time. But it still explodes every few months or so. I have a lot of difficulty with it.

PP here. That sounds incredibly hard. And for it to be every few months...that is kind of a lot. I definitely would not be inclined to look for the good during the time that somebody was doing that to me. My husband too has one big flaw that my therapist friend called "unintentional gaslighting," and I am going to see a therapist to hash it out. It definitely isn't worth blowing up our marriage over, but I am looking forward to working through it with somebody who can give me perspective on it.

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that I would say I have fallen out of love, perhaps because I have always been taught that love is action, not emotion. If I don't feel those good feelings that come from love, like safety, trust, support, and a desire to do the same, I act. I write down things I like about my husband; everything from "he took care of me after my surgery" to "he looks good with scruff." I try to put things in perspective and remember that the flaws he has are just flaws, not real impediments to having a good relationship. I think about how I can show love to him in a way that is genuine had freely given (not in an "I have to do this" way that might build resentment).

As far as attraction goes, have you ever felt more attracted to somebody after you got to know them? Or felt less attracted to somebody after you got to know them a bit? I am convinced that maybe 99% attraction is a choice. I could be wrong, and I would never suggest somebody should try to be attracted to somebody they aren't in a relationship with, but when I look for the good in my spouse, the attraction follows.

But you are totally normal. I don't know very many people in long-term marriages who have never lost feelings of attraction and good feelings toward their spouse. But I firmly believe that two good people can always get back to a good place. (But for what it's worth, I also firmly believe that getting back to a good place shouldn't always be the goal)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that I would say I have fallen out of love, perhaps because I have always been taught that love is action, not emotion. If I don't feel those good feelings that come from love, like safety, trust, support, and a desire to do the same, I act. I write down things I like about my husband; everything from "he took care of me after my surgery" to "he looks good with scruff." I try to put things in perspective and remember that the flaws he has are just flaws, not real impediments to having a good relationship. I think about how I can show love to him in a way that is genuine had freely given (not in an "I have to do this" way that might build resentment).

As far as attraction goes, have you ever felt more attracted to somebody after you got to know them? Or felt less attracted to somebody after you got to know them a bit? I am convinced that maybe 99% attraction is a choice. I could be wrong, and I would never suggest somebody should try to be attracted to somebody they aren't in a relationship with, but when I look for the good in my spouse, the attraction follows.

But you are totally normal. I don't know very many people in long-term marriages who have never lost feelings of attraction and good feelings toward their spouse. But I firmly believe that two good people can always get back to a good place. (But for what it's worth, I also firmly believe that getting back to a good place shouldn't always be the goal)

This is helpful.

The flaw I am dealing with is emotional tantrums and anger control issues, resulting in hurtful things being said. A form of emotional abuse. There are a ton of other good things — none of the things others complain about here, such as not being an equal partner around the house or with the kids, or not taking care of me, cheating, financial issues, sex, romance, similar interests and lifestyle goals and values… literally all is as good as it could be. Except that one piece. Which has improved a lot over time. But it still explodes every few months or so. I have a lot of difficulty with it.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it’s very normal. Wish more people realized that “down/ out of love” periods can last for years and that different phases of a longterm relationship are incredibly normal.

- married 50 years next spring. Almost divorced twice, with our share of ups and downs, but I’m so in love and can’t wait to continue retirement life with my wonderful but flawed husband (I’m flawed, too)

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that I would say I have fallen out of love, perhaps because I have always been taught that love is action, not emotion. If I don't feel those good feelings that come from love, like safety, trust, support, and a desire to do the same, I act. I write down things I like about my husband; everything from "he took care of me after my surgery" to "he looks good with scruff." I try to put things in perspective and remember that the flaws he has are just flaws, not real impediments to having a good relationship. I think about how I can show love to him in a way that is genuine had freely given (not in an "I have to do this" way that might build resentment).

As far as attraction goes, have you ever felt more attracted to somebody after you got to know them? Or felt less attracted to somebody after you got to know them a bit? I am convinced that maybe 99% attraction is a choice. I could be wrong, and I would never suggest somebody should try to be attracted to somebody they aren't in a relationship with, but when I look for the good in my spouse, the attraction follows.

But you are totally normal. I don't know very many people in long-term marriages who have never lost feelings of attraction and good feelings toward their spouse. But I firmly believe that two good people can always get back to a good place. (But for what it's worth, I also firmly believe that getting back to a good place shouldn't always be the goal)

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it’s very normal. Wish more people realized that “down/ out of love” periods can last for years and that different phases of a longterm relationship are incredibly normal.

- married 50 years next spring. Almost divorced twice, with our share of ups and downs, but I’m so in love and can’t wait to continue retirement life with my wonderful but flawed husband (I’m flawed, too)