Reply to how can a teen be made to confront faulty thinking if its never addressed- vent

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, my kid who is like this is younger, but has lots of the same patterns.

I'd suggest that rather than cutting her slack re: the chores she agreed to in the interest of harmony, you work to implement slightly more structure and accountability.

For my kid, she gets way up in her own head after she's done the chore a few times and then stops doing it and, a[b]lthough she is not generally able to recognize this, the lashing out at me is basically her being mad at herself that she didn't follow through. And the longer that "limbo" period is, the madder she is at herself (and at me, because she thinks I'm just as mad at her as she is at herself)[/b]. Anyway, I've found that applying some sort of accountability mechanism right away does not allow for those negative and critical thoughts to fester and can actually start to create a positive reinforcement cycle. Just a thought. [/quote]

OP here, definitely agree with your analysis here. SPOT ON.

I have tried to frame accountability in terms of real life blame free consequences, such as: if A doesn't get done then B cant happen because it depends on A. So, if you don't pick your clothes up off the floor, then you wont be able to determine whats clean or dirty and then you end up with more backed up laundry. So then its a choice as to whether or not you want clean clothes. She started on her own to do her own laundry, which is great. So that's why I built on that one.[/quote]

Ok. I wrote the above. So for your dishwasher example, instead of letting it slide when she doesn't do it one morning, ask her to take care of it when she comes home from school (and pile dirty dishes in the sink in the meantime). And then maybe set up a weekly "family check-in" where you both have a chance to share feedback about how things are going, what is working and not, etc - but without any specific emotion attached to the conversation.

My read is that in your dishwasher example, your kid knew she asked for a chore and stopped doing it - so when she asked you again about ways to help out, she was basically "picking at the scab" re: her feelings about failing to follow through the first time. And when you brought up what she perceived as her failure but what you perceived was just a normal chores conversation, it became the vehicle for all her feelings about it to fly out.[/quote]

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