Reply to "Walkaway Wife"

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[quote=Anonymous]I just discovered this term and found this article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome#:~:text=During%20the%20early%20years%20of,is%20right%20in%20the%20world. and I was shocked at the accuracy. I've been spending years in my marriage asking my spouse for more help, more time together, more engagement in the family as a unit, and asked to go to therapy multiple times over the years. Things finally came to a head right before covid when I basically pleaded with him for more support and he said he is "too ambitious" and could never give me the additional support I need. I felt the marriage was over, completely disconnected from him outside of simple logistical matters, and grieved the end of my marriage and wondered what I would do.

Well surprise, he (finally) noticed, wanted to work it out, (finally) agreed we should go to therapy. He had hit a professional rock bottom and turned to meditation and read multiple books and realized a lot of his previous mindset was his own ego. My heart was so closed and my feelings toward him had changed so significantly but I knew trying therapy was important, if nothing else as a last resort to ensure we had tried everything. We have been in couples for 9 months and we have made incredible progress in terms of open communication, sharing feelings, being intentional toward one another.

But I still just...don't love him romantically. I recognize and truly appreciate the work he has done. I feel a fondness for him and our history (almost 20 years). But I sometimes feel uncomfortable when we kiss, have sex (I have shared all this with him and he is understanding).

I'm/We're struggling with what to do next. Recently I reiterated that for the last few months of otherwise good progress my feelings toward him haven't changed. I think he found that really disheartening and I completely, completely understand why. But I also can't just pretend. It's been such a painful process to see the work we've put in and really try to be invested but not have it materialize. We're in a good position in all other aspects -- we've talked in detail about our plan if we were to divorce, we're as comfortable as can be with how it might "look" from a custody and financial perspective.

I've been doing my own work on the side, individual therapy for this whole time, reading, also trying to be intentional and affectionate when I do feel positively toward him and talking about it with him when I don't. My individual therapist suggested I need to try to figure out whether my pain and hurt is from past injuries that are still unresolved or whether my intuition is telling me what I want and I am ignoring it/forcing something that isn't there.

I guess I don't have a question just needed to put it out there. Anyone been in this situation and what happened?[/quote]

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