Reply to Help for DW who was abused/neglected as a child and who is struggling parenting?

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[quote=Anonymous]Dear OP,

I am DW who was raised in a very dysfunctional family that still "dysfunctions"; I have one DC and a great DH.  The *only* way I am getting through right now is with therapy and medication (there is also genetic mental illness throughout my family).  Most therapists and mental health professionals will also attest that parenting tends to reawaken memories and/or the client (in this case I or your DW) is subconsciously reacting to memories, etc., as she encounters similar situations with the children.  In my case, I also find myself doing a LOT of "mourning what could have been" for myself as a child.  It must be so hard for you as a DH; I know it is hell for your DC's; what your spouse is going through is, I promise, heartbreaking and at least to her, uncontrollable -- she feels that there's nothing she can do and she probably recognizes she's putting up walls and boundaries but may think that she's doing it to protect the children from herself because she probably feels she's a terrible mother.

My sense is that she needs a different psychiatrist and a different therapeutic counseling approach.  I know that can be easier said than done.  My suggestion is that you reach out to your primary care physician and get some names.  Then, when you can get the kids somewhere else for an overnight (friends' houses?), gently and lovingly tell your wife you're worried and that you've found another name.  Tell her you love her and you don't blame her and that you're beside her (in my worst moments I tell DH to leave me and take DC because I am such a rotten mother and wife).  Be sure you also find a good therapist for yourself and for that matter, you may want to be sure you have one for your children in case they manifest signs of depression or anxiety.

Good luck. You are a wonderful DH to care and a wonderful husband to your children.  I am sure you have a wonderful DW too.  I am sorry all of you are suffering.  The holidays are much, much worse for those of us who've had emotional or physical abuse or neglect --[/quote]

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