My mother grew up in an abusive household. Emotionally, she held us at arms length. She equated love/motherhood with abuse and in her attempt to not repeat the process she felt that she couldn't get too close to us or she would continue the pattern. It took a lot mental and emotional energy for her to not repeat those patterns with her own kids so she had little to nothing else emotionally left at the end of the day anyway. Maybe there is a happy medium but maybe not. Maybe it just takes a generation of sacrifice. My mother did break the pattern - she was never physically abusive towards us but she was emotionally distant. My father filled in emotionally for what my mother couldn't do. It was not perfect but as an adult I realize she did the best she could. I realize how trying kids are and she had 5 of them and did not resort to any physical punishment but I am sure it was hard especially back when spanking was quite the norm.

Now, for my own kid, I have the advantage of not having to expend the mental or emotional effort to avoid physically hurting my child and can focus on being emotionally connected.

Poor DW. Seriously, with this for a husband I'd be immobile if I were already depressed.

Maybe because I've lived with someone who busily tried to discredit me as "crazy" while being emotionally and physically abusive, but this whole series of "my poor wife" posts seems to be set up to portray himself as the suffering good guy and his wife as the bad guy.
Not necessarily so.

PP who's appreciative of the post that urges family activities but who (having been there, done that and having watched my own family try to "force" these kinds of activities) can attest that this might REALLY backfire. OP's DW sounds majorly depressed; the last thing you want is for her to "snap" either into hopeless tears or a consequent act of desperation because she cannot engage with an activity with the kids. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but I'm really worried for OP and his DW (and for the kids). The holidays can be just terrible in cases like this and now that I've re-read OP's post I'm realizing there's suppressed/repressed memory which means that some stuff is unpredictable. It could really well be that OP's DW is starting to remember things (triggered by her parenting) and doesn't know how to cope -- she may not even realize this.

OP, you're getting lots of good advice on this forum; I don't mean to dismiss any of the good intentions. I'm just trying to reiterate that your wife needs help badly -- I can tell you know that. Someone mentioned a therapist in Bethesda and I hope you will pursue that. Good luck.

OP, I feel for you guys. Just b/c your wife works doesn't mean she's not isolated. If she's having trouble connecting to others that way the case at work as well.

In terms of her connection to the kids, I would try to find family-friendly outings or activities that engage everyone so her lack of connection doesn't seem so obvious and your kids can feel that she's interacting with them even if she's not there emotionally yet. Going on a short hike or to the zoo, making pizza at home for example. It can be hard to motivate depressed people in to doing things so start small, but make it a weekly thing.

Continuing therapy sounds like a good thing, but try to encourage you wife to pursue a personal interest of hers, e.g., coffee w/a friend, reading (maybe a book club), photography, cooking, knitting, biking? It's hard to feel like you can give of yourself when you feel empty inside.

Lastly, make sure to take time for yourself and take care of yourself. Wishing you guys all the best.

PP here - clarifying that in my earlier post I meant "gently and lovingly tell her you've found another name for a different physician" -- I know that sounded confusing.

Kris Halstead in Bethesda does excellent work on these kinds of issues.

Dear OP,

I am DW who was raised in a very dysfunctional family that still "dysfunctions"; I have one DC and a great DH. The *only* way I am getting through right now is with therapy and medication (there is also genetic mental illness throughout my family). Most therapists and mental health professionals will also attest that parenting tends to reawaken memories and/or the client (in this case I or your DW) is subconsciously reacting to memories, etc., as she encounters similar situations with the children. In my case, I also find myself doing a LOT of "mourning what could have been" for myself as a child. It must be so hard for you as a DH; I know it is hell for your DC's; what your spouse is going through is, I promise, heartbreaking and at least to her, uncontrollable -- she feels that there's nothing she can do and she probably recognizes she's putting up walls and boundaries but may think that she's doing it to protect the children from herself because she probably feels she's a terrible mother.

My sense is that she needs a different psychiatrist and a different therapeutic counseling approach. I know that can be easier said than done. My suggestion is that you reach out to your primary care physician and get some names. Then, when you can get the kids somewhere else for an overnight (friends' houses?), gently and lovingly tell your wife you're worried and that you've found another name. Tell her you love her and you don't blame her and that you're beside her (in my worst moments I tell DH to leave me and take DC because I am such a rotten mother and wife). Be sure you also find a good therapist for yourself and for that matter, you may want to be sure you have one for your children in case they manifest signs of depression or anxiety.

Good luck. You are a wonderful DH to care and a wonderful husband to your children. I am sure you have a wonderful DW too. I am sorry all of you are suffering. The holidays are much, much worse for those of us who've had emotional or physical abuse or neglect --

Not being able to stand child-related noise isn't a problem in and of itself: Teach the kids to be quieter.

You've posted here a bunch about your wife and her depressive issues. Somehow, it comes across as condescending a lot---she isn't living up to your idea of the perfect parent, she isn't as attached to the kids as you think of as ideal, she doesn't do what you think she should. I for one would like to hear her side of it---that would be living with someone who is never ever satisfied with what she does, who openly belittles her on forums, whom, I suspect, subtly puts down her efforts at becoming attached to the kids. Gee---I wonder why she quit trying so hard?

I'm sorry to hear this OP, Please hang in there.

Anonymous wrote:I decided to take a year off work ( b/c of health reasons) and am home with my 3 yr old DD. REcently I've started to see signs in myself that I am not proud of...I am pretty sure dperession ( I went thru a lot healthwise and I feel like my body cannot take stress literally and children are stressful). I love DD so much, but to be honest the screaming, not listening, not sleeping at night, and DH working extremely long hours that he doesn't get to see her during the day at all most weeks is too much for my sanitiy. I get NO time alone, to take care of myself, to take a break, to get away. I feel like cutting back at work has made us 'tight' so I can't hire help etc. I know what would help me is if DH cut back hours or tried to come home sometimes a little earlier. Or, on the weekends, took more time to help out. I feel like I do everything from the cooking, cleaning, childcare, EVERYTHING. I know for me my trigger is noise, and lack of sleep. I can't handle it. I never used to yell at DD, but now if she doesn't listen I do. Depression is hard. Work on getting your wife on the right meds and alleviating what you can to take away some of her triggers. I think it's amazing that you are recognizing she needs help and want to do something for your familie's sake. Good luck!

PP, do you have any middle school aged girls in your neighborhood that might work as a mother's helper? That's what I did, for about 4 or 5 dollars an hour. Cheap enough to afford on our tight budget, and a relief to have someone play with DS while I got stuff done around the house or just took some time to myself. One girl, in particular, had just taken a babysitting course but was still too young and inexperienced to be left alone, so it was good training for her, too.

The following groups may have useful resources or referrals:

http://www.familytreemd.org/

http://www.parentsanonymous.org/

I decided to take a year off work ( b/c of health reasons) and am home with my 3 yr old DD. REcently I've started to see signs in myself that I am not proud of...I am pretty sure dperession ( I went thru a lot healthwise and I feel like my body cannot take stress literally and children are stressful). I love DD so much, but to be honest the screaming, not listening, not sleeping at night, and DH working extremely long hours that he doesn't get to see her during the day at all most weeks is too much for my sanitiy. I get NO time alone, to take care of myself, to take a break, to get away. I feel like cutting back at work has made us 'tight' so I can't hire help etc. I know what would help me is if DH cut back hours or tried to come home sometimes a little earlier. Or, on the weekends, took more time to help out. I feel like I do everything from the cooking, cleaning, childcare, EVERYTHING. I know for me my trigger is noise, and lack of sleep. I can't handle it. I never used to yell at DD, but now if she doesn't listen I do. Depression is hard. Work on getting your wife on the right meds and alleviating what you can to take away some of her triggers. I think it's amazing that you are recognizing she needs help and want to do something for your familie's sake. Good luck!

My parents were fairly neglectful and my mother was VERY selfish. I can recognize it as an adult. I didn't understand it as a child. I have spent a lot of time in individual therapy and sometimes on medication. I cannot stand chaos or noise either. I am highly organized. We had only one child for many reasons, but in part because I know my limits. I know I am doing really well with one child. I couldn't handle more than one and the stress of it would affect all of the children in the family -- I have never believed that my personal failings should be visited on my child. She needs to acknowledge the issue before anything can come of working on it.

Yes there are many therapists who can help your DW work through her family-of-origin issues. Are you using insurance or not? You might start there or look up therapists on Psychology Today website. Most importantly, is she willing to go/ acknowledges there is a problem?

Hopefully someone can give me some advice or referrals. DW came from a very troubled and chaotic family. She has struggled with depression off and on since she was a teenager. We have 2 kids (early school aged) and she is really struggling with parenting. She seems very shut down and not all that attached to them. She was ok when they were babies but as they get older she is more distant. I do as much as I can, unfortunately we have no family anywhere close. She is seeing a doctor for depression but he thinks it is well controlled at the moment. I think that family life overwhelms her, especially noise, even if it's happy. Has anyone been in this situation? We are in DC, can anyone recommend a therapist? I feel for DW but also for the kids, she is really distant at times and just not that available emotionally. She is not very social with adults either and has become much less so over the past few years. DW works so she is not isolated as a mom. I am really at my wits end. We've done some couple's counseling and taken parenting classes. The couple's doc expressed some concern about the kids and how flat she was in talking about them but wasn't able to refer DW to anyone with more expertise. DW doesn't remember a lot of her childhood, nor does her brother, it's sad but I don't want the harm to get passed on if there is any way to stop it. TIA for any help.